Silent Laughter (Louis Tomlinson Fan-Fic) Book 3

Part thirty-three

A/N: WARNING. DEPRESSIVE AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS SO IF YOU GET TRIGGERED EASILY DO NOT READ AND MESSAGE ME AND I'LL GIVE YOU A QUICK SUMMARY.

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"You know that you can still back out if you want to. You still got like-"

Coop checks his watch.

"Five minutes."

I shake my head, my fingertips turning the lighter on and off repeatedly, the spark dying and living at my request. It must be sad being a flame of a lighter. You live just to light something up and then bam, you die, not even getting to decide whether you wanted to or not.

Then again, maybe we're all flames of a lighter.

He sits himself right beside me on the grass, his elbow nudging mine quickly before we both stare at the dirty deflated kiddie pool that's resting near the end of his yard. I remember when Izzy, Coop, and I used that thing. Celeste would inflate it on saturday mornings when it was bright sunny and would spend about two hours in the kitchen making homemade pink lemonade and kiwi popsicles. We would be in there for hours until our skin would prune up or until Izzy would say that her chest was hurting again.

I always liked that pool. It has little mermaids and starfish cartoons right on the rim of it and Izzy and I used to pretend that it was a hot tub even though the water was never hot nor was it a tub of any kind.

I nudge, Coop back and he looks down at me as I look up at him. I sign my words, wanting to make sure he doesn't miss anything I'm saying.

'What if I cry?'

His eyebrows furrow and I notice the grip around my phone grow looser in his hold.

"You might."

I nod.

"But that's not a bad thing." he adds.

I nod again, my eyes not seeming to stay on him for a while at a time.

'Can I hold your hand or hug you if I need to?'

"Of course you can."

'But I have to sign to you which involves both of my hands.'I mouth a fuck under my breath at the realization and I place Louis' lighter on my lap, my right hand rubbing the side of my face as my stomach does these nervous twists that make everything seem more tense.

'I can't hug you then. I can't just leave him hanging on the phone and-'

"If you need my comfort, Winn during the phone call, you get it. I won't stop you and I don't think, Louis would mind waiting a few seconds or minutes, as long as you need. Okay?"

I stare at him this time without looking away, my hands shaking as they rest on my lap. He looks at me as well, the back porch light mixed with the night sky creating this shadow on his face.