Silent Laughter (Louis Tomlinson Fan-Fic) Book 3

Part thirty-eight

Louis has been gone now for a few weeks, leaving to visit his family as well as join the other lads in places like California and Miami to begin writing songs as well as promote themselves through interviews and campaigns. I miss him but also everything has been seeming refreshing in the oddest way possible. Life for me felt like being blind folded and dehydrated and forced to drink a cold, delicious tasting liquid without being told what it is. I was lost as to what Louis and I were but it all still felt so invigorating knowing that he loved me too either way. 

Neither of us really questioned it, the both of us having our own things to investigate in our separate lives. But we both kind of knew that we were something and even though I had this unknown feeling in my chest from time to time, I had felt no concern regarding Louis' feelings towards me. He still continued on with his morning and night texts and we would just message each other randomly throughout the day as routine. It pretty much has been the same as it was before except now when he calls from time to time, he'll say something on the lines of, "I gotta go, Winnie but I'll text you later okay?", and then I'll make a small noise as response in which he'll add, "I love you." and then he hangs up and I hang up and my soul evaporates more and more towards his direction.

I've been wanting to see him, these crazy ideas in my mind surprising at first but now beginning to frustrate me. I've been thinking of actually visiting him for once and even though it sounds like a dream, I felt that it couldn't happen for a list of reasons. Since I don't have a job (Which I've been meaning to get) and I would have to renew my passport in order to visit him, I would have to use my parent's money which sucks since they don't even know that, Louis and I are whatever we are. I also am uncertain whether or not they would even allow me to go on a plane by myself especially to America. I would have to tell them about, Louis and I wasn't sure if I had enough confidence to do that.

My parents are caring people, wanting the best for me as well as wanting me to socialize more and break from my introverted shell. However, I know that my mum has seen the news, read those magazines about celebrities, the ones that act like they know those people more than themselves and I know she's read about Louis with his angry antics from the past. I remember those meals we would have at dinner when Louis and I were just beginning to grow a bond. 

"That Louis boy... I feel like there's no hope for that young fellow." She would comment, my fork moving my meal back and forth, my mind thinking about how I was going to see him the next morning, going to talk to my friend. I'm not sure how she would react if I were to ask her to lend me money so I could visit the man she had low hopes for. I'm not sure how brainwashed she is by the media, if there is any hope for her.

Then there was my fear. That fucking itch at the back of my mind that I kept on trying to force into that darkness. I haven't been out of the country in years. I haven't been away from, Izzy and Coop in almost the same amount of time. They're like my shield, my defense mechanism that I go to if something bad happens. What if something bad were to happen in America and I was all alone? What if I were to freak out in front of Louis and his friends and colleagues? What kind of impression would that make? What if the paparazzi saw me? What if they recognized me? I didn't want to take any risks. I wanted to just hide in a corner and pretend that everything would just be fine between Louis and I if I just waited for him to come to me all my life.

But I knew that was selfish thinking. I need to make an effort too, I need to show him that I'm all in as well, but I guess I just wasn't sure what to do that would be right. Then I let my guard down one day and everything felt lighter during one of our texting conversations. He was eating lunch up in his hotel room with Zayn and Liam. They were playing a pretty intense Fifa match while, Louis was enjoying a bowl of this fancy mac and cheese on his bed, watching his friends scream at each other quite intensely as Liam had stolen the ball, Zayn accusing him of cheating.