Chutes and Ladders: Vol. 1

I Guess

I guess I should have known when he told me he didn't date black girls. I should have known when the Harvard quiz told him he was born racist. When he took another girl to see the movie I had been talking about for weeks, I should have realized that maybe I deserve more. Maybe I deserve someone who makes me feel warm and cozy, not light headed and dizzy. He was the person I craved and treasured, longed and wished for, fought for and cried for, crawled after. My fault has always been that I care to a fault, caring for people who wouldn't do the same for me. I have always given too much of my heart, been too trusting. Loving him, was like walking on needles. It was painful and some people couldn't understand why I kept walking. But all I thought was "At least I'm walking." I should have known when I called him a man and it didn't feel right. But how was I supposed to know the difference between man and boy when all I knew was that I loved him. I thought I meant something to him, at least friend. I was not the only one to place him on a pedestal and wait for the supposed illumination of his presence. I felt myself morph into a girl I didnt recognize. My sharp tongue, my attitude, my entire being melted away, leaving behind a sliver of woman. That woman has finally come back. I found a man that thinks any woman can be beautiful, regardless of race or ethnicity. A man that makes me feel warm and secure. He makes me forget about the scars on my feet. When I showed him the hurt in my chest, he gave me a cure. An elixir made not of roses or a pat on the shoulder, but instead of understanding. He treats my heart like a treasure and does his best to make me smile. He doesn't make me want to be better. He makes me want to love myself and that's better than any gift he could give me. I didn't crawl after this man, instead he came to me.