Chutes and Ladders: Vol. 1

You Look Like Your Mother

There is an old saying that goes along the lines of girls grow up to be like their mothers. Before I knew fully what that entailed, I twirled around in my room and dreamt of what that would be like. I'd be popular, I'd be beautiful. Now at 18, I pray that doesn't happen. See, I never knew that "popular" meant popular with men. I never knew that "beautiful" meant ugly on the inside. I hope to be nothing like my mother. I pray that my daughter doesn't grow up thinking that her life has no value and that her own mother doesn't love her. I pray that I don't slither around, masked as a woman, and hiss into my constricted husband's ear lies like "I love you." I can guarantee that he won't hear things like "Your wife had another man at your house," and "Are you sure that's your daughter?" My children won't grow up afraid of me coming home every day.
I am constantly stuck between "I should love my mother" and "Who is that person?" I always thought my parents would split up, but not because my mother wanted to chase a fifty shades fantasy. I have a pretty wild imagination but there are things even I couldn't conjure. I never imagined my mother would choose internet strangers over me. I never thought she would leave my father homeless. I always thought my mother was stern, but I never thought she was cruel. I never thought I would be abandoned by my family. I never knew "I love you" could be a lie. And I guess I should have seen it coming. Before my graduation, I opened the card she gave me, the last line reading: "I love you, and that never changed." And I think "we've made progress." But just as thorns come with roses, evil intentions come with tight lipped smiles. Every day I fear that I have become like her; becoming heartless and cruel even when I have done nothing to warrant that thought.
When I was little I thought, my mother is my mother and that will never change. Growing up I thought, it's my fault that she doesn't love me and that's okay. But once I grew up I realized my own value. I realized that I didn't need someone to love me in order for me to love myself. I realize that she has made mistakes and I'm a forgiving person. But I also realized that I had to love myself enough to remove negative people from my life regardless of bloodlines and waterlines. People say girls grow up to be like their mothers. I'm here to tell you that's a lie.