Chutes and Ladders: Vol. 1

Far Far Away

Author's Note:
Due to situations out of my control, this poem was read in front of him on a stage. It led to a very interesting conversation. xD

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I am leaving. Far far away. To a place where "What's wrong" doesn't mean you. I am going to a place where I can pretend that you don't exist, that you never unknowingly pulled the trigger. I am going 14,000 miles away to run from my problems, from you. Because for some reason, the word 'maybe' was my morning mantra. For some reason, I counted every glance, every smile, every joke thinking that these were clues to some incredible puzzle that would leave me unbelievably happy. Extra time and preparation, countless reapplication of lipstick and mascara; all to have it waste away on a white hotel pillow. Meanwhile, I feel guilty. Because you have no idea that I cried myself to sleep. You have no idea I feel guilty because I can't even look at you without wanting to sob. So yes, I am running away 14,000 miles to try and forget about you. Because staying in the same country still makes you too close. Because I can't continue to let that vicious little word control my life. Because I just might be able to move on. I just might be able to find my own happiness. Because the pain is too much to handle when I can't get a handle on how I feel about you when I see your face. It's too much to bear because when showing my emotions, I am stripped bare. And it seems too much when my seams are about to bust. Even as the tears fall, I fall back in love with you. I have to let you go. And it's going to hurt. But like the pain of a ripped off band aid, it is only temporary. I will survive, I will move on. My problem: I don't ever want to. I find short term relief in games and heartfelt laughter. But I see you in the distance, and the knife in my chest twists yet again. I can't stand the thought of our friendship meaning nothing, yet I can't stand and tell you how I feel. And the pain of sitting by with tears undry and watching from the sidelines will be the death of me. No doubt, my tears are invaluable to you. And no doubt, she illuminates your eyes like mine could never do. But she'll never love you like I can. The saddest thing about this: I would still move across the world just for you. Even after I scotch taped my heart back together, I would still climb every mountain and trudge every facet of this galaxy if it meant I could be with you. Like a fool, I would give my life to save yours. I would help to open those closed doors. I would scrounge, scrape, sell, and steal, if it meant you'd see my appeal. Hell, I'd even shave my head. No, I wouldn't. But instead, I'd give you my bed. Blankets to keep you warm and clothes if yours were torn. And although, all these things are true. You may never know how much I love you.