When I am sad and broken down...

The One with the Mistletoe

"Did you stay until he stopped breathing?"
"I did. I stayed with him until the last second of his life. I never left his side."
"And then what did you do?"
"I left the room and went home with my kids. I don't remember much of the following days... Well, months... It's all pretty blurry, the next thing I remember vividly is giving birth to Ellis in San Diego."
"Why did you go to San Diego?"
Meredith takes a deep breath, trying to form words that make sense. Talking to Nick about her past is draining. It feels good once it's done, but it also takes up so much of her energy, no matter how much he tries to make it easier for her. He's really trying, though, she can see it: he's taken the questions thing very seriously which means she doesn't have to do all the talking, she just needs to answer to one thing at a time; he also holds her while she talks, preventing her from panicking. He's holding her right now, as he sits on the floor in front of the fireplace of his cabin; she's all wrapped up in a blanket, sitting on his crossed legs and enjoying the warmth coming from both the fire and his strong arms hugging her from behind.
"I'm not sure why. I think I was trying to honor my history somehow, do what my mom did, see if I could also build a new life for myself away from everyone. But I think I also just needed to get away from Derek's legacy. Every single thing in Seattle was somehow linked to him, to us, in one way or another. I was never going to find a way to move forward if I was surrounded by constant reminders that he was gone. I now know that staying would have probably been the smart move... Avoiding all the unprocessed grief, being able to count on a support system and not having to still deal with the trauma seven years later. I would kill for that now" she explains, chuckling bitterly. He squeezes her tighter.
"I'm proud of you" he whispers while placing a kiss on her neck. She can't stop the little moan that comes out of her, which makes them both giggle.
"Thank you for making me talk about all of it."
"Thank you for telling me" he replies, kissing her neck again. A few minutes go by in silence. Funnily enough, Meredith isn't really thinking about anything anymore. She's enjoying this, the warmth, the silence, the fire crackling and the snow falling down outside in a perfectly magical Christmas atmosphere. Young Meredith would never define this weather 'magical', she would be thinking about all the different ways people could get injuried and fighting with Cristina on who gets the coolest surgeries. That's a pretty funny memory and almost makes her wonder what that Cristina would say about this older version of her who's spending the weekend right before Christmas at a cabin in the woods with her boyfriend. An amused snort comes out of her.
"What are you thinking about?" Nick asks joining in on her small laugh. Meredith can't help but think it's cute that he's laughing with her even though he has no idea what she's laughing about.
"I was just thinking about Cristina."
"She's coming to Seattle soon, isn't she?"
Meredith nods, excited at the idea.
"Yes, January 11th."
"I can't wait to meet her!"
"She will love you. I hope there'll be enough time for you to hang out, otherwise I'm pretty sure she'll ask you to join in on one of her surgeries so she can get to know you."
"I wouldn't mind that either. Seeing Cristina Yang at work would be a privilege."
Meredith rolls her eyes.
"You won't believe how many times I've read these same words on the residents' platform. I'll have to make sure they all get an equal chance with her."
"So their moods are still up?"
She nods.
"They all seem happy with the new program. They've had a lot of opportunities to learn in the past months and their psych reports are impeccable. Everyone's is, actually, even Owen and Teddy's, I didn't expect it with the trial going on and everything."
"I did. Grey-Sloan Memorial has so much to thank you for, Chief Grey."
He gently strokes her cheek, making her shiver. She smiles, mostly because the word 'Chief' still surprises her.
"And how are you holding up?" he asks her after a little while.
"I'm okay" she says, pretty convinced. "Some days are a little harder than others but that's just life. I'm working things out with Wyatt, but ever since I've started talking to you I'm getting a lot better. She says it was one of our main goals. Now she's trying to get me to delegate, you know? Hand out some of my duties to other people so I'm not overwhelmed. It's not easy..."
While talking, Meredith gets up, walking to the window to stare at the snowflakes dancing in the wind. It's peaceful. He walks up to her.
"I can help, you know?"
She nods.
"I know... I'm thinking about it. As I said, it's not easy."
"I know" he answers, nodding as well. "It'll take time. I'm here when you are ready."
She turns around to look into his eyes, somewhat embarrassed because it always feels like he has the ability to stare into her soul.
"Thank you, Nick."
"Anytime!"
It takes a few more minutes for her to remember what she wanted to ask him.
"When's Charlotte coming home? I'm glad she'll be spending the holidays with us."
"I'm picking her up at the airport in a couple of days. You know we don't have to stay at your house if you don't want to, right? I have a place in Seattle."
"Maybe you shouldn't have one..." she immediately says. He waits a couple of seconds before answering, which makes her wonder if he's waiting for her to regret what she said. She doesn't regret it though. He's been living with her ever since Charlotte came to Seattle for the first time, he was supposed to leave when she went back to college but she asked him not to, told him she couldn't sleep without him there, which was partly true, but it was mostly that she wanted him to stay. In the past month she grew to love their routine, waking up next to him, making breakfast for the kids with him, washing the dishes together before bed and listening to him read a bedtime story out loud for Ellis. She doesn't want him to go back to his place.
"Is it what you want? You are in control. That's your home."
She shakes her head.
"It's not just my home, not anymore. It's..."
Our home, that's what she wants to say and she was going to say it.
But he kisses her before she can finish the sentence and it's okay. He knows, they both know now. They are each other's home.

"Mama, you are back!"
Zola and Bailey gather by the door to greet them. Meredith laughs as she tries to hug both of them at the same time and then smiles seeing them go hug Nick next. She quickly glances at Amy, who's smiling at the cute scene as well.
"Where's Ellis?" she then asks with a frown, following her sister's gaze as she looks at the little girl seated on the couch, all concentrated on writing something down on a piece of paper.
"She's working on something extremely important" Amelia whispers.
"More important than saying hi to us when we get back home after two days?" Meredith replies, amused by her little one's strong personality, but still wanting her to be polite.
"I'm going to go pick up Scout" Amelia immediately says, probably not wanting to overwhelm Ellis by having her be reproached with three adults she loves in the room. "Zola, Bailey, can you finish setting the table for five?"
The kids nod and run towards the kitchen, while Amelia quickly grabs her things, waves goodbye yo Nick, smiles at Meredith and leaves through the front door.
Meredith looks back at Ellis, who still hasn't looked up. Before she can walk up to her or say anything, Nick has already reached the little girl and is tickling her, making her laugh out loud.
"Nick, what are you doing?" she screams out.
"Coming to collect all of the smooches you haven't given me while I was away!"
"Okay... Okay... But... Please, stop" she yells, almost out of breath from laughing so much. He stops and places her on his lap while she squeezes his face with her little hands and kisses both his cheeks a bunch of times.
"This is a lot better" he tells her, after having received what he judges a decent amount of kisses. "Now go say hello to your mom, okay?"
He looks up at Meredith, who's quickly wiping away a tear. Ever since she got back together with Nick and she's been opening up to him, she feels way more vulnerable to every day life situations like this one. Something about Nick and Ellis being so close makes her heart so happy that it slips out of her eyes. She knows he noticed because, as Ellis runs towards her to finally say hello, he looks into her eyes, smiles slightly and mimicks taking a deep breath. Meredith copies him, burying her face into her little ones hair.
"I'm sorry I didn't say hi, mama!"
"That's okay, Ellis. Do you want to show me what it is you were doing?" Meredith asks, leading her back to the couch and picking up the piece of paper she was writing on. Nick stands next to her and slowly massages her shoulders, making her let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding in.
"Charlotte called last night" Ellis starts explaining.
"She did?" Nick asks, making both of them look at him.
"Yes!"
He smiles brightly and it's his eyes who are filled with tears this time.
"She told me I should make a list of all the things I want us to do all together this Christmas, so I was..."
"That's beautiful, Ellis" Meredith honestly tells her, hugging her once again.
"I like this Christmas, mama!"
"So do I, Ellis, so do I."

"Hey..." Meredith whispers, walking down the stairs.
"Hey! Are they asleep?"
"They are" she says with a big smile on her face. "They are" she repeats, looking around herself, surprised by the way he decorated the whole living room while she was upstairs with the kids. He hung a string of small lights and even some mistletoe. Her smile grows brighter and brighter.
"What's all this?"
"Well, I had a look at the list Ellis made and it said she wants to decorate the house for Christmas. I thought I would get a bit of the job done so they all find this when they wake up tomorrow. Of course Meredith tears up. What is this with me going so soft?, she silently wonders, but she doesn't complain too much. Deep down she knows what's happening, she even talked to Wyatt about it in therapy: all of the trauma, all of the emotions and sadness she's buried deep down over the years is coming to the surface and she knows it's time to face them, one by one. Realising her kids have what she never had, that they have a strong, happy family that cares for them, and seeing Nick slowly but steadily become the father figure they missed for so many years, the father figure she herself grew up without, makes her happy. But she isn't used to being happy and it confuses her, making her cry.
"Are you okay?" Nick asks, pulling her into him before moving a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"I'm okay" she tells him, and it's the truth, but that doesn't stop a tear from spilling. She quickly wipes it and he just nods. Meredith is grateful that he always knows when it's the right time to question her further on her feelings and when she just needs to be hugged a little tighter, like right now.
"We are lucky to have you" she whispers, her heart exploding with love.
"I'm lucky to have you all. I can't wait for Charlotte to come home too."
She rests her head on his shoulder, enjoying the warmth radiating from him and thinking of how good it feels to hear him call that house 'home'. After a little while, he pulls away from the hug just enough to point up and following his finger she notices they are standing right under the mistletoe.
"Kiss me?" Nick asks.
"Always."
And as they lovingly kiss under the mistletoe, Meredith thinks to herself she really loves Christmas now.