Less Than Nothing

Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Out of everything I expected to feel since I moved to New York, heartbreak was the absolute last.

Going into this new phase of my life, I figured a man would be the least of my concerns. Little did I know that I'd soon meet a guy who would slowly ease his way into my heart before I could even process it.

And, the moment I allowed him full entry, he'd reject it for another woman.

This whole situation inevitably stings in a way that reminds me of old wounds. The subtle feeling of unworthiness for love. And unworthiness to be chosen.

Hurts a lot, so much that my emotional pain has manifested into physical pain.

Headaches, heavy chest, dehydration from crying.

It's ugly, and what makes it worse is that all of this could've been prevented.

If only I hadn't agreed to give him my number that one evening at the atelier, which led to us getting drinks after.

If only I hadn't kissed him at my doorstep weeks later.

If I only I hadn't carelessly agreed to this stupid friends-with-benefits thing, knowing that it was a horrible idea.

Now, I'm stuck in the aftermath. Alone, and ashamed.

I've had a few days to sit with this feeling. It didn't exactly get better as time passed, but my body was starting to grow accustomed to it.

Thankfully, there's a nasty flu going around the office striking my co-workers one by one. According to Adrienne, I'm allegedly this flu's latest victim, and that's why it's been three days since I've called into work.

Totally not because I've been debilitated by the empty space where my heart once was. Or, that I'm emotionally spent.

This is obviously not the end of the world, however I desperately need the time to recover.

Today is day four of my self-imposed isolation from the outside world. Probably the last day I'll be able to get away with. Adrienne is no doubt a caring woman, but I know it's only a matter of time before her 'get well soon' turns into 'clear out your desk.'

Like a newborn pup, she can only go so long without her needs met.

To reign in my last day of sulking, and self pity, I set my alarm for noon. It went off moments ago, and yet here I am. Still underneath my sheets. Still basking in the safe haven that my bed has recently become. I don't even have it in me to press the snooze button. I only stare towards the ceiling, allowing the agonizing sound of the alarm to circle the room.

In a twisted way, I feel like I deserve this. There's no greater crime than one being negligent to their own self. Maybe next time I'll think twice before engaging in such self sabotaging behavior.

Maybe.

Growing tired of the piercing alarm, I finally gathered enough strength to sit up, and shut it off.

Upon doing so, I see three missed FaceTime calls from Grace, and a bunch of unopened text messages. All from 9am.

Shit.

Before I can think, I'm already calling her back.

I haven't mentioned anything about Ryan, or Jenna. Mainly because I haven't wanted to say the words out loud. That, and I'm embarrassed. It's not easy to admit whenever you've been traded up.

Grace answers after the first ring, and I make a fast effort to fix the unruly curls that lay on top of my head. The image of myself on the screen in the corner is small, but the bags under my eyes stick out regardless.