Home for Winter

chapter 05

 ╔═══════ ❄ ◦ ❆ ◦ ❄ ═══════╗

chapter 05
How Do We Live This Empty Life?

OLIVIA

Every winter feels the same ever since Mama died— or is it every day? Para bang gigising, kakain at matutulog na lang ako para mabuhay. At least then, I have a purpose because of my revenge.

Pero ngayong natapos na, ngayong naipaghiganti ko na siya, hindi ko na alam kung saan pupulutin ulit ang buhay ko.

Anger and vengeance ate my entire being. It's all I have in mind during those times. I forget everything, changed myself for my goal and leave everything behind.

But never did I ever think of what I would do after that and of what life would I live after that.

"The whistleblower, ako 'yon," sagot ko kay Everett nang itanong niya ang tungkol sa trabaho ko.

Nagtataka siguro siya kung ano ang trabaho ko at kung bakit maghapon lang ako rito. He didn't ask it directly, but I can tell from his stare when, I think, he starts to complete the puzzle after hearing my mama and my full name.

Olivia Fuentabello.

I'm an introverted person, but I'm not ashamed to admit that it's me. The Olivia, secretary of a big company, who blew the whistle about the embezzlement, harassment, and dirty secrets of their company. The Olivia who fiercely cursed the CEO after revealing that she's the daughter of the woman they push aside on that cold winter after taking advantage of all that she did for their company until she died helplessly.

At tuwing sinasabi ko 'yon, madalas, takot ang binabalik nila sa akin. Kaya rin hindi na ako sumubok pa na maghanap ng trabaho ulit. The money that I got, which is supposedly for my mother, is enough for me to live without working. Who would accept a whistleblower who can stab them in the back any time, anyway?

I expect the same reaction from him.

But he just gazes at me, eyelids fluttering ever so carefully as he says, "I've heard about it. If I was you, maybe I'd do the same." He sighs. "So, how are you doing now?"

It's an out of the blue question and I don't know why he asked it. Pero napatanong rin ako.

How am I doing? Katunog ng mga huling sinabi sa akin ni mama, kamusta ka? Iyon ang huling beses na may nagtanong sa akin no'n.

How many times have I blamed myself for not asking her the same question? I've lost count. That winter night while my mama, who's freezing to death outside that warm huge building, called and ask how was I doing, what was I doing? Bakit hindi ako ang nagtanong kung kamusta siya? Kung nasaan siya at kung bakit hindi pa siya umuuwi?

No'ng gabing 'yon habang nakikipagtawanan ako kasama ang mga kaibigan ko, bakit hindi ako nag-aalala? While I laughed my heart out, my mama was dying, frozen and hurting.

When she died, no one asked how was I doing. Puro lang, makakayanan mo rin 'yan; tumahan ka na; malulungkot ang mama mong makita kang umiyak.

No one asked, but I was miserable. That misery last until I succeed my revenge.

"I... uh, I feel miserable... noon."

After feeling misery, how was I?

Sabay yata ng paghulog ng balikat ko ang pagbuntong niya. Ang tingin ko, nakapokus sa walang kataotaong lugar na napalilibutan ng niyebe.

"Ngayon... I just... feel empty," I added. "Nagigising na lang yata ako para, para mabuhay. Hindi ko alam kung para saan. I don't know how to live, my life, I mean." Bumuntong ako. Blame it on the snow. Masyado na naman akong napapaisip ng malalim.

"Sorry," I whisper.

"Why are you sorry?"

"For, um, for... telling that to you when we barely know each other."

Umiling siya, ngumiti ng maliit. "Ah... it's okay."

"And thank you for asking."

"Kung kamusta ka na?"

I nod.

"I can listen," sagot niya. "I'm not a good talker, but I'm a good listener, and reader. Well, if you need it, if you want to. Do you?"

The question makes me pause. Do I need someone to listen? Siguro. Sa loob ng ilang taon kong pagsasarili sa lahat ng galit para lang makagpahiganti, walang kahit isang nakalapit sa 'kin. Walang kahit isang nakarinig.

I secluded myself from everyone, let the weight burden my whole existence and I let anger fill my whole being.

On the day of my revenge, I exploded. Then, after that.... Nothing was left in me.

"Siguro," sagot ko. "But if you've read many books, may sagot ka ba para dito?"

"Para sa?"

Sa tanong na hindi mawala-wala sa isip ko simula nang magpakawala ng niyebe ang langit at hindi ko na maalala kung paano ako sumasaya noon.

"What... what do you do when you feel empty? How do you live an empty life?"

There is it again, the melancholy in his eyes. The gentleness. Agad kong inalis ang tingin, takot na mabasa niya ang mata ko.

Ilang segundo kaming natahimik. Ramdam ko pa rin ang tingin niya.

At sa ilang segundong katahimikan, naisip ko na baka kaya wala siyang masagot ay dahil...

"I want to know the answer, too."

❄ ◦ ❆ ◦ ❄