Home for Winter

chapter 08

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chapter 08
The Path Out of the Labyrinth

Everett

I'm running out of books to read. For me and, well, for the kids, too. For the past few weeks, I found myself consuming too much of my time reading again instead of writing.

Kapag bumababa ako, I'd bring my laptop and some illustrated children's books, some fiction. Only to end up reading as an excuse to motivate myself to write.

Tapos pagdating ng gabi, nagrereklamo ang utak ko dahil walang nasulat.

Ah, is this how I'm aging backward? I think to myself, after realizing that this is what I used to do when I'm still new in my career.

Crap. I don't think I can even reach my deadline if I continue being like this.

Pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko pa rin mapigilang hindi magbasa.

"May malapit bang book store dito?" tanong ko kay Olivia, I put down the Anne of Green Gables book, finally done reading it. Now I have no books left to read.

"Meron naman, pero sa plaza pa."

Plaza? Where is that? Hindi ko matandaang dumaan doon. No. Wala na talaga akong matandaan sa lahat ng dinaanan bago makarating dito.

"How can I go there?"

"Sasakay ka lang ng bus—" She sucks her teeth after she makes a mistake in her crochet. "Um, sasakay ka ng bus sa waiting shed do'n sa may ah, ano ngang tawag do'n? Ar— ah, sa may arko. Sabihin mo lang sa Plaza. Tapos, ibaba ka na nila do'n. Makikita mo rin agad 'yong bookstore sa may tabi ng grocery store."

Her voice, although low, is clear. But her words and the direction jumble in my brain like scattered puzzle pieces.

Waiting shed. Arko. Bus. Plaza. And then what again? Tatanong ko pa sana ulit kaso mukhang naiinis na siya sa ginagawa niya. Her brows are already furrowing. She surely has quite the temper for her hobby.

I can only hope I won't get lost. And, hopefully, get back to the rental place by today. That's what I think when I realize that this town seems to be larger than I thought as the bus zaps through the snow-covered empty fields and huts.

Eight o'clock nang makarating ako sa town plaza. Colorful fairy lights are all over the buildings of the fog-coated plaza. In hues of bright red, blues, and yellows, the umbrellas dance in my view as the sky showers snow.

Crap. Mas lalo akong mahihirapan nito. It's already hard for me to navigate in a huge sunlit place, what's more here that is almost all white.

It must be a piece of cake for others but for me who has no proper sense of direction, it's not.

Paano ako makakauwi nito? Saan nga pala ang sakayan pauwi? Can I even remember the path that I walk to go back to the rental? Why is it so foggy anyway?

Winter is nothing but dull and confusing. This is why I don't like it so much. Walang kulay, walang buhay. So empty, so gloomy to look at, so close... to what I feel.

You see, I'm not even writing but all these complaints are already clouding my head.

Ah, this must be my punishment for not writing for the past few weeks.

Inayos ko ang suot na scarf at lumakad sa niyebe. Buti na lang nakita ko agad ang sinasabing grocery ni Olivia. I easily spot the small bookstore. It looks vintage, painted in cream with a foggy window. The kiosk outside where old books and magazines are displayed is full of snow.

I don't have a good feeling about this bookstore. Books hold such powerful and meaningful words and worlds, hindi dapat basta-basta lang tinatabi.

The smell of old books, rusty metal and rotted food wafts in the air as soon as I enter. Crap.

Wala na bang iba pang bookstore? Nawalan na ako ng ganang maghanap dahil sa amoy at sa mga sira-sirang librong nasa loob. Besides the fact that the only staff is sleeping in the counter with his unfinished meal.

What a load of crap.

Nakahinga pa lang ako ng maluwag pagkalabas. Air puffs as I, again, takes a deep breath as my mind rummages through thousands of rants.

Some people think being a writer is easy because they don't think books hold such value, ah, books, they're just words. For some, it's just a display to proclaim intelligence; for aesthetic purposes. Therefore, it's easier for them to set it aside in the dirt until it's torn apart, untouched and unread. Never mind the blood, sweat and tears that the writers pour into every page.

'Yon ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat. You can say it's my pet peeve. Alam ko ang hirap ng pagsulat kaya nakakadismaya at nakakasakit ng loob kapag nakakakita ng ganito.

So much for trying to motivate myself today.

Paalis na ako nang marinig ko ang usapan ng dalawang babaeng kasabay kong lumabas sa bookstore. I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I hear them say, "Do'n na lang tayo sa isang book store! Sabi ko sa 'yo e, mas maganda do'n. Promise!"

So, there's one more?

I glance at them and ask politely, "Excuse me, miss, meron pa bang isang book store dito?"

The blue-haired girl nods. "Meron pa po! Medyo malayo lang po ng konti dito."

"How can I go there?"

"Lalakad lang po kayo, diretso po dito. Tapos kakanan. May maliit pong eskinita do'n tapos pasok po kayo. Paglabas niyo po makakarating po kayo sa may circle," said the other girl, hugging a book in her chest. "Pag nakita niyo po 'yong Christmas tree na malaki sa circle, malapit na po no'n. diretso lang po ulit kayo. Marami pong nagtitinda do'n, pero pag may nakita po kayong mga boutique, nakagitna po do'n 'yong bookstore."

Crap. To say that I don't understand anything is an understatement. Nahilo pa yata ako iniisip pa lang lahat ng direksyong sinabi niya.

Diretso, kanan, alley, Christmas tree? Boutique? Then, what again?

Itatanong ko pa sana ulit pero nagpaalam na sila para umalis.

Smoke puffs as I exhale. Inayos ko ulit ang suot na scarf. Removing some snow that gathers in my head, I walk straight. All this haze, snow, and people are making me dizzier while trying to remember the direction.

Childhood memories of getting lost amidst the sea of crowds during a frosty winter resurfacing at the back of my mind. Simula noon hanggang ngayon, nawawala pa rin ako.

Nakarating ako sa sinasabi nilang Christmas Tree. At mas lalong nalula sa dami ng mga taong nakapaligid. I feel the fall of the snow getting harsher and faster. The cold breeze making me chillier. Moving figures making me fainter.

So suddenly, I realize I'm not in the mood for a book anymore. Dinala ako ng mga paa ko malapit sa malaking Christmas Tree. Nahihilo ako at nalulula. My eyes land on the endless empty white space ahead as the upbeat Christmas song behind me clashes with the crowd's noise.

Once again, I am lost. I've been in this state so many times, why am I still surprised?

Bakit ba kasi pumunta pa ako rito? If only that book store's proper, I won't be here. At bakit nandito pa sa gitna ng plaza ang pangalawang book store? Why are people all out here in the cold?

How do I go back? That's what I ask myself after realizing that, with this crowd, labyrinth place, and throbbing head, remembering the way back is an impossible task for me.

So still, I stand here above the pile of white, dazed and confuse amongst busy strangers, not knowing how to, or where to, go back.

"Everett?" A voice call from behind. Lumingon ako.

It's Olivia.

Sighing, a feather-like air hovers.

Ah, finally. I found my path.

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