Home for Winter

chapter 01

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chapter 01
Winter Silence

Olivia

There's a comforting silence in winter. It's the kind that lingers in your soul.

Malamig at tahimik. Puti at payapa.

I don't usually like that I— who hates to think about life's misery but still do— get silent whenever I stare through this big window while snow slowly falls outside. Nalulunod ako sa mga iniisip at mahirap umahon ng hindi ako napapatanong.

But for today, even just for today, I let my mind dwell in it.

Sumimsim ako sa hawak na kape habang pinapanood ang pagkawala ng kalangitan ng niyebe.

When the snow melts into water, will it remember being a snow?

When you change completely, will you still remember who you used to be? When all you had in your heart is anger and grudge; when your world had become so dark; will you still remember the life that you once had?

I've watched shows about revenge. Nakakamangha, oo. Noon, kapag pakiramdam ko hindi ko magagawa, iniisip ko na lang na isa akong bida at sa huli ng lahat magtatagumpay ako.

I did.

I got my revenge. I felt victorious. The feeling of success lingered in me for a while.

Until it slowly disappears, until what was left of me was the feeling of emptiness... because now that I succeed, now that I have no one to hate, what else am I supposed to do?

When I changed myself to achieve my goals and when my mother died, there was a void in my chest. Sabi ko, maghihiganti ako. 'Yon lang ang paraan para maramdaman ko ang pagkabuo ulit.

I was complete before she was taken advantage of, before she died.

That void appeared when she's gone.

Malamang kapag napaghiganti ko siya, babalik ang lahat sa dati. I'd feel happy. I'd feel complete. Once again.

But months after successfully having my revenge, the void was never filled.

I still feel empty. I still feel unhappy. I still feel incomplete. My mother... she's still gone.

The questions in my mind are still unanswered. What could I have done if only I was aware of her suffering? Why did I, her only child, never thought that my mother is a person before a mother? That she, too, needs the love and caring that she showered me.

I can't talk for the snow, but I don't know who I used to be anymore.

Everyday feels like living for the same thing again and again.

Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

Bumuntong ako. Binaba ang tasa at tinuloy ang ginagawang crochet kanina. Si mama ang mahilig nito noong buhay pa siya. Ito 'yong palagi niyang ginagawa habang nasa ospital at nagpapagaling.

She's amazing. Ang mga ginawa niyang damit para sa akin hanggang ngayon ay nagagamit ko. Tulad na lang nitong puting sweater na suot ko. They're warm, soft and delicately woven... they feel like her.

Siya ang nagturo sa akin. Pinasa.

And up until now, I'm still annoyed and impatient when it comes to this thing. I suck my teeth when the yarn falls off. Shocks. Tama naman ang pinasok ko, bakit nagulo na naman?

Limang buwan simula nang lumipat ako sa lugar na ito kung saan lumaki si Mama, ito na lang ang yata ang alam kong gawin. Nakakainis gawin, nakaka-frustrate, pero bukod dito, wala na yata akong ganang gumawa ng ibang bagay.

A small village in the coldest province of the country. Isang maliit na café rito sa baba at isang rental room sa taas. Once in a blue moon for a customer to come here. I expect it since it's not in the central busy area of town. Especially today because of the heavy snow.

My days for the past few months are always like this. Deafening silence. Empty, with only then smell of coffee in the air. Lonely like it has always been.

Sumimsim ulit ako sa kape. Malapit na akong matapos sa ginagawang sweater nang tumunog ang wind chime at bumukas ang pinto.

May customer?

Agad akong lumingon. Ilang segundo bago nakapasok ang nagbukas ng pinto. Covered in snow, a guy in a long brown coat comes in. He has a short hair with bangs covering his forehead. He's also wearing a black-rimmed glasses that makes him look modest.

"Can I stay here for winter?" 

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