I'll Keep You Safe

Chapter 8 - Nightmares

My night was terrible. I kept feeling his touch in my dreams. Seeing his hungry eyes in the dark. Hearing that thundering voice. Saying no over and over again. My throat is all sore and scratchy. I had no liquids nor any food yesterday. I should probably drink some water. I carefully sit up on the couch; my body is so sore. Swallowing is hard. Breathing is harder. I try to remember how and take a deep breath that makes my throat ache before I stand up, wobbling to my feet. The living room is dark, I can barely see where I'm going. I walk slowly so I won't stub my toe into anything. The floor is cold against my feet even though I'm wearing socks. It's almost as if I'm dragging my feet behind me as I enter the kitchen. The atmosphere is almost touchable. In my head, I hear a low bass constantly playing the same string over and over again; it's never-ending. I can hear the small clock on the counter tick away. Time goes on and I'm here standing still. Will it really be? Will time heal my wounds? Only one way to find out. And that's definitely not by standing here, pondering about great philosophical questions.

I get a bowl and some cereal out of the cupboards and pour the grains into the dome. I find the milk in the fridge and a spoon in the drawers underneath the oven. I bring my quickly made meal into the living room and sit down on the couch. As I put down my bowl, I see a letter on the table. I pick it up and start to read;

Hey, Noah.

You're asleep right now, but I just wanted to write you this note in case you wake up before me since I feel like going to sleep soon.

Liam must've written this last night after I fell asleep.

You know that I love you. And you know that I would do anything for you. Absolutely anything. That's why it hurts so much that I can't share your pain, that I can't take fifty percent. When you're hurting... it's like a thousand pins and needles breaking skin and making my organs bleed. I can't move, I can't breathe. My heart can't beat properly without giving me a sting of pain every time it beats. My heart beats for you and only you.

I start crying. He already had his long monologue yesterday, but seeing this written down in his handwriting hits me in an entirely different way. Every word is manifesting in my mind, being engraved in my brain. Etched on the inside of my skull.

I have felt this way before. Whenever my mom or dad would hurt me, I'd feel this never-ending pain in my guts. I got used to it even though it never fully went away. You helped me get past the final bump in the road of my self-healing, and that is what keeps me going. I don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing if it weren't for you.

I burst out in tears by the thought of being the help Liam needed to love himself and to get past his trauma. I know that he had a difficult time at home, but I thought that I did something wrong by standing up to his dad. Apparently not.

We have not known each other for long, only three days. The first night was a new experience, but we still ended up close.

I remember that morning, Liam hugging me close, me trying to make noise so that he'd wake up.

The second night was in each other's arms, a tight hug after my own terrifying experience.

When Liam got attacked, we fell asleep in a tight embrace, something that soothed both him and me. I was so terrified for him when he came home all bloody. That must've been how Liam felt when he saw me come up those stairs in the police station.

And the third night was the night you turned from my easy-going happy Noah to this one. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but it's the truth, and I feel like you deserve it. I hate this new you because I know that it harms you to be like this. You need to take the time you need to heal, and I promise that I'll be here every step of the way, if you want me.