Kazuha has been passed out for 5 days....It's a bit sad i guess... "Mmmm..." I played with his red streak humming i really love him.
.... "...Hmmm..*incoherent mumble*...Awake..*Mumble*...Good."
I slowly opened my eyes and saw my worst nightmare. It was him. Why? Why him? My eyes widened and i turned on my side, covering myself with the blanket qnd closed my eyes shut i just wanna go back to sleep i know it's rude to ignore my husband but...How could i call him my husband after what he did towards me? Ugh....I don't even want to remember...
Kazuha slowly opened his eyes and i looked at him with great anticipation i wondered if he finally learned his lesson and just stay with me he wouldn't leave me again.. I'll make sure he won't and if he does he's not going to live long enough to regret it.
He covered his self with the blanket
'How moody' I guess he'd be moody because maybe he wasn't feeling himself, oh well he'll get over it.
His rigid breathing makes me curious what he's doing in there. I heard soft sniffing and took the blanket off and see him sobbing, i hugged him but he tried to push me away and hide his face in the pillows covering his upper body with pillows, sobbing louder.
"Kazuha don't cry." I cooed and took off the pillows and flipped him over on his back and raised his chin softly he tried to back away but i pinned him to the wall and cupped his cheek with my hand and kissed his lips gently he didn't back away but just sobbed more
I felt so used i felt like a busted fruit i felt so empty where was the Scara i used to know..? I sobbed more chocking on my own tears and my lips were trembling after he kissed them i wanted to move away from him so badly but i know i won't leave for the mean time with the branding he gave me that's on my back because it hurts i need to heal and think but Scara can easily take me by force because he's smarter than i am me not being able to go outside for 10 years I've gotten very pale and there's no books in his house i still know basic stuff and i still have my degree but i couldn't go to university because when that time i could sign in there Scara already locked me away, it takes a lot of guts to try and escape Scara not just because of his high status and his connections he already knows me and what I'm planning he's very thoughtful but not in a good way at first i didn't mind when he was always groggy and angry he was a cute angry person and he was mine but i can't stand to know the man that i loved the most has turned into a stranger.
Another year dropped off his face as he kept sobbing in sorrow of the loss of his beloved and it broke his heart to point he didn't have any tears to let out. His dry throat coughing as his beloved just watched judgementally with no intention of comforting his beloved and letting him sob his feelings away as he just watched the feelings of love towards him disappearing along with his tears into bed sheets the man was barely treating him as a human not letting him do normal things or not letting him do things at all the sun was crying and the moon was laughing with they way the sun looked at the moon laughing in bliss, blind of the sorrows that were caught upon the sun weighing the sun down to fall and the moon to rise alas night arrived the sky began to darken but the tears of the pure sun have the moon it's breeze of freedom.
He kept crying i remembered when he cried when I went down on one knee and even though before the proposal i kept pulling his leg but he still stayed with me, waiting for me to get down on one knee but i feel a little guilty that after all he did his patience was in vain that i couldn't be better for him to stay with me but i can still remembered what he told me years ago 'Even if the moon never has been appreciated by people hence they sleep through the soothing night and enjoyed the day sun the moon and sun is wonderful in its own rights'
'I see the night as the most lively and soothing time to relax' He told me he waited for me to get down on one knee, romance matters to him, his teary face was worth it he made me feel loved i was on cloud 9 i was head over heels for him i even traveled countries with him because i didn't want to be separated from him he tolerated me at my worst and when i was so horrible we spent our whole lives with each other i was a shy kid back then he was with me the whole time he introduced me to other people but i didn't want anyone else but him. I wanted him. Only him. I didn't need anybody else. I only needed him. I wouldn't give him up for anybody else in the world even our children. I love the most. I hate seeing him with other people i reached the brink of insanity and beat someone up until they had to be hospitalized and went into a coma just because they looked at him. I had to go to a mental hospital Kazuha still visited me i felt bad i couldn't be with him but he visited me everyday he took care of me regardless of the people in the hospital taking care of me he would gently spoon feed me food he made and share the stories at school and what i missed during my stay there but he gladly shared some subjects and explained how it would work, he would draw with me, he was with me regardless of what i told him he told me he was looking forward to my release and when i was we started being together again he seemed happier than before i was happy too, my chest always fluttered when he was with me, i felt warm with him, i felt safe, i felt at home, he was my person and only mine, he belonged to me not anybody's else's person he didn't belong to his friends, to his family or to the gods they don't deserve him, he's mine, i own him, I would give up my breath for him there's nothing i won't do for him, even if it's eating myself alive our even skinning myself i would it for him.. There's nothing that can describe my obsession for him
I stopped spacing out and held his hand gently "Kazuha" i said in a sad and regretful voice "Im so sorry.." i apologized i felt ashamed i couldn't love him anymore thinking about the past made me remember how our love used to be. And made feel so embarrassed about all of this now we were both crying Kazuha seemed to know what i meant and hugged me patting my back brushing my hair softly, i clinged onto him desperately
It seems i was back to when i was shy i wasn't planning to stop abusing him but just be a little more mindful, i want him to love, not to be scared of me if i can persuade him to not leave me we could like before. When both of us were warm i wanted things to go back to what it used to be but I'm so scared he'll leave me. I'll make him promise maybe we should things slow but now it's too late to regret. "Kazuha I'm so sorry i didn't mean for any of this to happen..." I sobbed softly into his shirt and he looked at me and said "Scara it wasn't your fault even if you were bad you could still change" i know he was just saying that because both of us know i wanted to change both of us know I'm bad. I was horrible to him I'll make up for that but i can't remove the simbol that's binded with his back "I'm sorry I'll try to be better.." I kept on sobbing mumbling sorry over and over how could I not realize what I've done..? "Please help me change Kazuha i was bad. I want to be better for you. And out children." He complied and kissed my cheek lovingly as an attempt to cheer me up
I was sobbing on the corner and thought how he used to be when we were young but i kept focusing on Scara and realized he was crying too and he suddenly hugged and me saying sorry this what I've always wanted him to do but it's not his fault he had too many mental issues, yes he was unstable but i don't blame him I've always loved him and i forgive him mostly because he didn't deserve what he got he a shy kid back then, which made him cling onto me, i didn't mind because i liked him and it wasn't his fault he was diagnosed with a lot of mental issues at a very young age i think it was when he was an early teen he was at the worst of his life although after all he's done looking at his crying face is enough for me to forgive him seeing him cry reminds me when he was young when i wasn't around he would panic and when i leave him without exploration he would cry silently in the corner waiting for me to come back from wherever i was going u was aware of this so i was extra careful when being with him, i didn't want him to be upset it pains me to see him like that and regardless of how many chances i gave him i would be glad to give him another one i know we both can't live without each other if we was willing to change things would be so great i want him to feel better, him being happy is what I want.
(I cried while writing this btw because of the flutters in my chest)
