memento mori ◈| k.baudelaire (COMPLETED)

Ⅵ: The Ersatz Elevator

For Beatrice-
When we met, my life began, soon afterward, yours ended.

⋆

The orphans arrived to the big city, where Mr. Poe guided them to the building marked 667. "Who are you? Names." The security guard said, flashing a flashlight in their eyes. "I'm Anastasia O'Malley. These are Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire." Ana said while shielding her eyes from the bright light. Almost immediately Mr. Poe left the orphans as he always does.

"Sorry about the lighting, dark is in." "In what?" "Just in." Ana explained to Klaus. "You may take the stairs to the penthouse." "Why not the elevators?" "They are out too."

As the orphans walked up the steps, Klaus and Violet questioned Ana on how well she understood what the man meant when he said 'out'. "My mother was very into fashion when she was younger, and even so until she passed. She explained to me that it just meant that when something is 'out' it's bad, and when it's 'in' it's good."

Klaus noticed that this floor had two sets of elevators, which was odd, because on every other floor they passed there was only one. Before Klaus could press the open button, the doors of the penthouse swung open to reveal a man with a mustache and a pin-stripe suit. "You must be Baudelaires, and Anastasia. Welcome. The door's always unlocked. I'm Jerome Squalor. I am so happy you've come to stay with us." Squalor said while shaking their hands.

"How do you do, Mr. Squalor?" Klaus said almost out of breath. "Oh goodness. You must be out of breath from that climb. I can think of two things to help with that. One, you can stop calling me, Mr. Squalor, and start calling me. Jerome. And two, I'll make you a nice cold martini! Come inside!"

"A martini? Isn't that an alcoholic drink?" "Usually is! But, alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in." "So just water and a green olive?" Ana asked. 

When Jerome handed the Baudelires their drinks, they didn't know how to hold the oddly shaped glass. When Klaus looked over at Ana, he saw she easily held the glass. "Let me help." She positioned the boy's fingers around the neck of the glass and his palms resting under the cup. 

"I've always wanted to adopt you the minute I heard about the fire-" "Orphans were out then. But now they're in." A woman said from atop of the winding staircase in the foyer. She was dressed in an all white pinstriped suit. "I'm Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor, the sixth most important financial advisor in the city. But alas, you may call me Esme. I'll learn your names later." She said as she walked down the stairs to face the orphans. "We've heard about you and the Quagmires, and whenever those twins-" "Triplets" Ana corrected. "Triplets, we'll be sure to adopt them too. The more orphans the better!"

As Esme was discussing to the orphans on how their lives will be like living with them, a newspaper comes flying in stating that "Dark is out, and light is in ''. "Jerome flip on all the lights in the west wing, orphans, why don't you open the curtains in the living room." Esme states. As the orphans walk to the living room and open the curtains they see Count Olaf standing in front of them with a monstrous smirk. "Does this feel like a nightmare? A bad dream? Because that was the effect I was going for." Count Olaf taunts the children while circling around them. "Quagmires in one clutch and the Baudelaires, in the other, and Anastasia, are in one of the clutches too." 

The orphans call for their guardians to tell them that the man is there, however, as all the other guardians the adolescents had beforehand, they couldn't see through the disguise or the terrible Russian accent the man had. "Jerome, remember I told you Gunther was coming today. He is so foreign, so in." Esme said while basically flirting with the Count. "Oh, and orphans tomorrow is the In Auction, where all the innest things will be auctioned, on the innest day, and being auctioned by the innest auctioneer, this foreign man named Gunther. Jerome darling, I need you to put those orphans in pinstripe suits before anyone sees them in those clothes and my life is ruined." "Yes, go now orphans, me and pretty lady Esme, have very important fat business to discuss." Count Olaf says as he ushers the Orphans and Jerome out of the room.