daddy. // the 1975

forty four // blank pages

"are you sure you want to do this, willow?" liz asked me, raising her eyebrows.
"yes, i am. it's only temporary, it'll be good for me, i know it." i replied.
she sighed, "okay, well i'm off to visit george then. i'll see you soon," she said hugging me before going on her way.

i'm going to spend some time to myself in new york. i'm not sure for how long, i just need a change in scenery. i've been living out of suitcases for a few months anyways, it's not even an inconvenience anymore.

it feels nice to be back home. back where it all started. except now, new circumstances, same old lonely feeling.

the possibility of continuing my future back home is lingering. it almost feels selfish to think about isolating myself from matty, but i could see it improving my mental health. i could have more help, better work opportunities, and my old life back.

i sift through old things in my closet, once my finger fumbles over a memory. the skirt. the skirt i wore when i first saw matty. i let out a deep sigh. it's almost been a year now. a year since everything changed and i grew up.

conveniently, or should i say inconveniently, matty is playing a show in new jersey. i decided to bite the bullet and go see him. he still somewhat repulses me. much worse than any morning sickness i've had. but i should see him, since i just found out the sex.

i held up the skirt to myself while i looked in the mirror. there's no way this would fit me anytime soon.

it's odd to think the same skirt i wore a year ago, i can't fit into because of pregnancy. it's a soft, bittersweet feeling. so many feelings racing through me, yet none are good.

i decided to wear leggings, an oversized tee, and my tall black platform boots. i did my skincare, and lightly touched up my lashes and brows. my hair has grown so much, i can only handle ponytails these days.

i grabbed my purse and headed to new jersey.

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i never told matty i was coming, i just showed up unexpectedly. though, i don't think he'll be upset to see me.

i headed to the venue and walked to the backside. i scanned the area to look for what bus matty would possibly be on.

"willow?" i heard a voice call from behind me. i turned and my eyes met with george.
"george, hi," i said friendly yet awkwardly, as he gave me a hug. i probably looked creepy walking around, going nowhere.
"congrats on the baby! we're all very excited for you and matty," he said.
"oh, thank you," i softly said, "we're excited too." was it obvious i was lying through my teeth?

"oh, and by the way, if you're looking for matty he's over there," he said, pointing to a bus, "see you later." he waved, walking away.

i waved and walked over to matty's bus. as i approach the bus, i hear low music coming from inside. i decided to knock before entering. i never know what he's doing.

loud thuds came from across the bus, just as matty opened the door.
"come in," he said, holding the door.
"did you get the video? we're having a girl," i said, as i sat down.
"i did! i cant wait," he said, giddy. i could barely make a face back to him. "we should probably figure out a name soon, yeah?" he added.
"yeah, we probably should. we can start buying more personalized stuff," i replied. i suddenly thought, where would i set my nursery up? i need to be doing that asap.

matty cleared his throat after the conversation fell silent. "i'll be back home soon," he said, "we can take care of everything. i'll be there every step of the way."
i sighed, "i'm gonna spend some time back home, for now. i'm not sure when, or if i'll go back to manchester."
his face fell, "what do you mean, willow? we have a child to raise soon," he said sternly.
"i know, but i have to see what's best for me. i don't know how i feel about going back," i explained.

"willow, don't do this, please. don't shut me out anymore. we can go home, baby, we can be a family," he pleaded with me. i didn't expect him to take this as hard as he is. i know it's not fair to isolate myself, and our baby from him. but it's not my intention at all.

"i don't know, matty," i sighed.
"how about you spend some time here, clear your head, then go back to manchester? you need to be somewhere comfortable, and you know your home is only tolerable for so long," he said.
he made a good point, though. "i'll think about it," i replied.
"you at least need to be settled in soon," he said, "if you don't want to be together, i'll move out a few weeks after the baby is born."

i almost liked the idea of this compromise. moving is a lot of trouble, if i want to be alone, at least he would give me that space..
"i'll still take care of you, i'll make sure you and our daughter don't go without. i'll even cover rent still," he said.

i really appreciate him being the caretaker he is, but i would only take so much help from him. the goal is to stop being dependent on him. it could be a manipulation tactic. something he's good at.

i sighed, "i don't know, matty, i'll think about it, okay?" i need to figure something out soon. it seems like i always have to now. i crave my old, normal life back more than ever.

"don't you miss when life was normal, matty?" i spoke out.
"i do, but normal changes with life. this is our normal, now," he replied.

somehow we're bringing a life into this world, without even knowing what we're doing with ours.

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Hiii sorry for the break. I took some time off for the holidays to be with my family.
happy new year!! i wish you all a happy 2023 full of love and healing

p.s.