daddy. // the 1975

thirty eight // let it happen

it's been a month on the new job. i've been loving it more than i imagined. the lonesomeness, however, is still lingering over me most days. it almost feels like a rain cloud hanging over me. i can barely sleep, and i've been having chronic headaches. i'm still not feeling like myself, and i'm starting to wonder when i will again. matty has been so busy, we've hardly talked, too. i expressed all of this to liz, and being the best friend she is, she came to visit while we both have some downtime.

it hurts that matty and i haven't had time to see each other.

she was geeked to be in paris again, "wils, i know it's overrated, but we should go to the eiffel tower! ooh, or the louvre!" she exclaimed.
"eiffel tower, no, louvre yes," i said, "the eiffel tower is overrated. plus, we can see it from anywhere close by."
"hurry up and get ready, i don't wanna miss anything!" liz exclaimed. she was dressed in typical tourist-in-paris fashion. i've been here long enough to realize no one dresses that way. plus, given all of the walking, it's better to go comfy.

todays outfit would be basic. no makeup today, my skin has been horrible, i only wear it for shoots.
"you're wearing that?" she said, raising her eyebrows. black jeans, and a white long sleeve blouse.
"yes, liz, i am. when have you ever known me to say no to black jeans?" i laughed to her. i slipped on my blouse and jeans, once again, the jeans zipper fumbled over my fingers. fuck, not my emotional support black jeans not fitting now.

"i have got to get back into shape," i said. i sighed with defeat. "now my jeans aren't fitting."
"what do you mean, now your jeans aren't fitting? too many carbs?" liz asked.
"i guess so. some of my outfits for my shoot haven't been fitting too, luckily they can make a quick fix, but still upsetting," i said to her.
"it's okay, willow. you just need to balance your diet, and do some light exercise. that will do the trick in no time," she smiled at me. she was right. i've been taking the weight gain so hard on myself, instead of taking care of myself.

"let's go!" she said excitedly.

we took a taxi to a cafe outside of the louvre. liz, of course, wanted to try the viral hot chocolate. the tourist side is getting the best of her. i opted for something lighter, a caesar salad and americano coffee. i have to get a grip these days if i don't want to lose my job.

we finished up and walked over to the louvre. it almost feels like a dream.

i suddenly felt a sharp pain in my side as we walked. "liz," i sighed slumping lower. a wave of nausea hit me. "liz, i'm gonna be sick."

+

we rushed back to the hotel after my incident outside the louvre. it was humiliating most all.
"willow, what's going on with you?" liz said concerned. "you haven't been feeling like yourself, you're sleeping more, you're always feeling sick." she said.
"i have no idea," i sighed. "i didn't start feeling this way till we started staying here. i should see a doctor."
"i don't know willow," liz said, "it sounds like.." she trailed on.
"probably food poisoning, flu, or maybe i'm just depressed," i sighed in defeat. i still felt awful.

"uhh, that's not quite i was thinking," liz said.
"liz, stop messing with me," i said seriously.
"i think you should take a pregnancy test," she said sternly. "it's a possibility, willow. don't deny it. are you even on birth control?" she said, exaggerating her words as per usual.

i stopped for a second. she was right. it is a possibility. I don't take birth control. if i was pregnant, i would know already. right?

"i know liz, you're right," i replied. she sifted through her luggage and tossed me a pregnancy test.
"i always keep one with me," she laughed.

i reluctantly tore open the packaging in the bathroom. i wasn't scared at first, but now i'm terrified. three minutes of agony waiting for the results. i stood facing the other way until the timer dinged.

my stomached tied with knots as i reached for the test. my hands trembled picking up the test.
"liz," i quietly said followed by shouting, "LIZ!"
"willow.." she hesitated, stepping into the bathroom. my shaky hands gave her the test. i stood silent. words couldn't leave my mouth.

"oh, my god," she said. i leaned over the counter and began to sob. this couldn't be. i cant be pregnant. i'm too young and i just started my career. what am i going to do?

"willow, it's gonna be okay," liz said, touching my shoulder for comfort.
"no," i sobbed. i was crying so hard i choked on my words. "it's not gonna be okay. my life is over." everything i worked hard for was done for if i follow through with this. panic and shock had set in.

i instantly pulled myself up, and lifted to see my stomach in the mirror. a small bump showed in the reflection. i barely looked pregnant, just more bloated.
"liz," i said, "i'm just bloated, right?" hot tears streamed down my face.
"um, willow, i don't think so," liz said, "we can set up a doctors appointment soon." i couldn't stop uncontrollably sobbing.

this isn't what i want.

+

matty's pov

as great as tour has been going, i'm starting to worry that time on the road is what causes me to spiral out. i've been drinking more again. i have a hard time with self control these days. we've been celebrating with drinks after almost every show.

we've been in california for a few days. we played our last show here earlier. so far, there hasn't been any downtime to go visit willow. we're constantly booked between practicing and changing the set.

"matty, your vocals tonight were shit," george said.
"you're always shit, george," i retorted.
"you need to learn to perform better when you drink, we can all do it just fine," george rolled his eyes. i never thought i was sloppy, he's just being an ass. i excused myself to call willow.

straight to voicemail. i'll try again. voicemail again. fuck it.
"hey, baby, i love you. i'm gonna go now bye bye."

i realized after what i did. willow is going to wake up to that and likely be upset. maybe i'm drunker than i thought.