daddy. // the 1975

forty three // on hold

after further consideration, i decided to make the tough decision to step away from my position with the agency - overall. even after i give birth, i don't know if modeling will be in my future. it's time for me to start looking at more options. i don't know what's next for me.

i'll likely head back to manchester to live a boring, dull life, falling into the trap of motherhood. where the days all feel the same and moments are redundant.

though matty is full of shit most of the time, he was right. i shouldn't be overworking myself during my pregnancy. given, my overall health and mental health have been slowly declining as time passes. the added stress is making it worse.

i'm heartbroken overall. i missed out on a great job opportunity due to my irresponsible decisions. i'm having to put my life on pause essentially. matty can be as supportive as he wants to be, but nothing can change how i feel. he'll never understand how it feels.

in a sense, i'm mourning a life i thought i'd have longer. i'm starting to miss the days i had before responsibility. before i knew my life would be changed forever. i didn't expect it to happen so soon.

i question my decisions everyday. i take one step forward, then two back. the empty, sadness lingers. all of my pain lingers. i almost think it'll never go away.

i miss the days when i looked forward to seeing matty. i miss the excitement i felt when i knew i'd see him. i miss what we used to be. now, i don't feel anything. my mind is taunting me. my thoughts are conflicting. i want to walk away, and start a new life for myself, but i want to make our family work at the same time. i don't know if it's worth it anymore. i don't know if he's worth the heartache.

i'm always having to worry about matty over myself. even at my lowest, he's still all i think about. in my heart, i know something has to change, but i don't know what.

putrid air, and filthy streets. yep, i'm home.

the flight was nearly unbearable between my constant nausea and motion sickness. on top of the racing thoughts i feel every second of the day. i wish i could shut my mind off.

liz took over planning my reveal. granted, it will be small, it's mostly just for me. i need at least one happy memory associated with this time in my life. these days, all i have is liz. she's been my backbone throughout everything.

i feel harsh for not wanting matty there, but i truly need time to myself. at this rate, it's better that we get used to being apart. plus given his recent actions, i'm embarrassed.

once liz and i settled in, we decided to make the dreaded journey to tell my mom the news. though, the news tells itself given my weight gain.

my eyes glazed over as i bleakly looked outside of the cab window. i really did miss new york. it's crazy to think how much my life has changed in the last year. for better or worse, i cant decide.

"oh, right here is fine. this is it," liz said to the cab driver.  the car screeching to a stop outside of the house i called home.

i stepped out of the car and sighed as i looked forward.
"it's gonna be alright, willow," liz said.

i didn't even give my mom the heads up about me coming here. i'm just showing up pregnant.

before i could even knock at the door, my mom came rushing to the door.
"willow!" she said excited, her eyes scanning my body, "oh, my god!" she shrieked. the utter shock in her body causing her to step back and gasp. i silently stepped inside, liz following behind.

"i'm pregnant," i said bluntly.
"very pregnant," she sighed. she stepped into the kitchen to grab a tissue while her eyes brimmed with tears, "i just," she choked, "i wanted better for you."

i knew that was coming.

"i wanted better for myself, too, mom," i replied. trying to repair our bond, but slowly breaking it more in the process.
"where's matty? what's going on?" she asked.
"matty is, uh, he's on tour still," i said.
"is he going to marry you? what are you going to do?" she stammered questions back to back.

"he proposed to me a few months ago, yes, but i've since been considering other options. things aren't so great anymore," i said. i'm so numb to it at this point.
"pfft," she scoffed, "i could've told you that. wasn't he arrested recently? i thought i heard about that," she asked.
i sighed loudly, "yes, mom, he was arrested. thus, why i'm considering not being with him anymore. he has an alcohol problem."

alcohol problems is only a chip of the ice berg. he still struggles with drug dependency and cigarette smoking. if it's not one, it has to be the other.

"you deserve better, willow, i don't want this for you," she replied. i could tell she was hurt for me.
"i know, i don't want this for me," i quickly corrected myself, "us."
"i know it hurts, but you have to be strong enough to know when to walk away," she said. deep down, she was right. i didn't want to admit it.

"walk away before the wound deepens," she added. "but what about working? being a single mom isn't easy. it never was for me."
"i'm leaving my modeling position for now. as for after the baby, i don't know what i'll do. i cant think that far ahead yet," i said.

"well," she sighed, "you know you can always come here."

i have been missing home more than usual. maybe that wasn't such a bad idea..

+

i laid down in bed and felt peace for once. the first moment throughout everything that i've felt excitement. happy tears welled in my eyes. we're having a girl. i'm definitely excited now.

"time to start buying stuff! yay!" liz exclaimed. i still think she's more excited than me. i made sure to have a video to send matty. though i don't want him here, i still want him to be involved - from a distance. he's been messaging me, but im focused on protecting my happy energy. talking to him right now would bring me down again.

"i think everything is gonna be alright," i said shocked.
"i've been telling you it would be," liz said.
"i know, i know," i said, "but, i'm considering coming back to new york indefinitely."
"what? there's no way you're seriously considering moving back home, right?" liz asked.
"i mean, the support from my mom would be great. and, if matty and i are going our separate ways, there's nothing left for me in manchester." i replied.

"willow, i really don't know how great of an idea that is. don't rush into a decision over it," she explained.
"i'm not, i'm just thinking about the bigger picture. i have about a month before i need to be stable somewhere. i can only keep flying everywhere for so long. i'm ready to nest and have a comfortable place for me and the baby," i said.

"but what about matty?" she asked. and? what about him?
"i don't know yet. i don't know if he can handle the responsibility without getting strung out. i feel like staying with him is a risk. a risk i'm not sure if i'm ready to take." i said.
"i get that. he seems to be the root of almost every problem," she said.

and he 100% is. but i can't help that i still love him.