Of Blackjack and stepping up

insigth in bad relations

This is a Christmas present. Enjoy

Tw:
Unhealthy thougth patterns
Implied csa
Unhealthy relationships
Questionable views of consent (Alex is shown to be happy abbout it to a not healthy amount)
Self harm
In general implied past ab/se

That they do. Porter is talking very excitedly about his work as a journalist, while Sophie is almost shaking and mumbles something. As soon as Mori returns and gives her a small hug she calms. "Sorry, very bad day." She mumbles softly into Moris neck. They just pat her back. "I know sweetheart. It's fine. I am here."

Porter unfortunately didn't notice no one's listening to him so Alex decides to do so. He doesn't have a clue about journalism, but Porter seems really excited so he listens to him. He flaps his arms lightly. Eventually he stops. "Thanks for listening." Alex nods quickly.

He enjoys passion. He barely has any anymore. Most people are passionate about something, not Alex. Well, assuming surviving isn't something. And even that he isn't really passionate about. He is numb to most things. That or he feels the highest of emotions. Which happens mostly in relation to people.

Not that he has close relationships anyways. Not really. He has shallow acquaintances. He can't get attached. He cannot be left again or hurt again. Screw being hurt, he'd rather be hurt than be left alone. He isnt worth others company he believes. He struggles to go to work. He is a massive train crash people just can't help but follow until the unpreventable explosion. He knows people are only interested or even into him for that big crash. Only waiting for him to explode. Nothing else. He despises it. He will just end up being a supernova, the explosion being much more significant then he is as a human. He already sees the news headline: Great Model Kathrine Johnson's secret child had a great public breakdown just as we forgot they existed.

He tries to press those thoughts down. He can't deal with them now. His head hurts.

"Alexander?" Viktor taps his shoulder. He flinches away "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to overstep any boundaries, you just worried me. You seemed kinda gone."

"It's fine, but I think I will leave."
"Wait a second, I have something." He gives Alex a small note. "Just my phone number. You really seem quite lovely."

Alex doesn't quite believe him. Not that Viktor seems insincere in any way but he knows he can't trust people. He can't be naive. He wants to trust Viktor. They seem like the sun. Bright and shiny. Needing none to be bright and strong. Alex isn't shining nearly as brightly. He isn't shining at all. He can only reflect light shone on him like the moon. He wishes he could reflect how Viktor makes him feel, that bright soft feeling. He wishes he could be the moon to his sun

But he can't be. He'd ruin it with his closed off Nature, with his fear of abandonment, with his clinging to anyone he even a little bit lets in, with all of his bad thought patterns. He would just ruin every single bit.

"Please try to give me a call, I really like you. If you aren't interested I'd understand and be interested in friendship."

"I will make sure to do so." Alex smiles as a response.

Something feels weird. Viktor doesn't seem like a spectator. They seem quite sweet. They would for sure be a great partner. He imagines he'd be similar to Viktor from years ago. Who he remembers very fondly caring for his injuries. Who he remembers patched him up and carefully held his hands when the pain got too bad. Who sneaked him painkillers so he'd not suffer as much. Who'd always ask him for the slightest things like kissing him. The memory almost makes Alex blush. His face heats up at the thought of how loving the other was.

Now he's just basing them on an old dream. He can't just do that. Shouldn't those 20 years have teached him better than naivety? He can't have the luxury of being naive and believing the best.

He wishes he could for once. Get rid of all those nasty memories and just exist calmly, maybe even flirt a little and have silly fun like you are supposed to in your 20's.

A reminder pops up in his mind. Sophie seemed distressed. He should next try to talk to her about it so she can be happier. Maybe that will help.

Alex doesn't trust her but he still believes she deserves joy. He trusts none anymore, humanity seems to always pull out the cruelest bits for himself.

He remembers her liking particular candy.
He should get her some.

Alex decides to text her. "When can we meet up?"

"I have time at 3 pm tomorrow. Mori told me about your talks and how you are really calm to tell personal trauma to. We can do that but Mori must be present at all times." She doesnt sound demanding. She sounds scared. Odd

"That is fine by me."

"Good."

He remembers Viktor doesn't have his number. Which is odd. He should text them. But all the other spectators always made him give them his.

"Hello, here is Alex. Thank you for your politeness"

He then hurries home. He isn't thrilled about the new situation but keeping control over silly things might help.

At home he gets his hairbrush out. It's pretty simple but it tends to help to just do things he couldn't. Which is usually hair brushing. It's something he couldn't do as a child, and one of the reasons he grows his hair out. He wants to at least try to cope differently before self mutilation. He knows he will end up doing it but he wants to at least try. He wants to believe he can be human.

Alex feels like he is no longer human. No longer qualified to pass as a person. No longer able to fully feel even pain like others would.

He rethinks the pain Statement when the sudden numbness stops and forces him to deal with the pain of his actions. He feels pain. Better than everyone else he knows, but unlike them, his pain takes longer to kick in. He is always in some sort of pain. But most of the time active injuries wait until they are no more coming to show him the pain.

Until he hears a letter be pushed under his door he just sits on his bed in tears. He would never let another person see him this badly vulnerable, this badly taken care of. He sees his reflection in the mirror leaning on the wall.

Alex isn't able to fully describe the mess of a man he sees. It's a lot to take in, mainly scarring. Just the pure image makes the tears reappear. Everything has somehow been messed up. One of the worst things is the tattoo on his left thigh.

Eventually he pushes himself up, to get to the letter, making sure to not look in the mirror. He just grabs his hair tie and pulls it down to open his hair, obscuring his face from the side. He just puts it in his night stand before deciding to sleep for the day, clearly done with everything. He doesn't like to sleep at all, however it's better than this. Well, everything is.

Besides plaguing nightmares his night is decent. Not good but far better than yesterday and what awaits him.

(I hope you enjoyed. If you want please comment, id appretiate lt)