Of Blackjack and stepping up

Chapter 13: Twisted feelings

(Tws: heavy csa implications
Unhealthy thougth patterns
Caedsexuality (not nessacrily repulsion)

Also, this is more general knowledge i need to share: Alex is on the aroace spec)

Alex quickly after that train of thought drifted away, softly into a deep sleep

Which found him under a chair, with all he could see around himself, teeth trying to snap at him. Everywear just teeth, a little drool sometimes. Just teeth and the rest of a mouth and hands and hand grabbing him and one yanking his head to stay under the chair and stuffed his mouth with a towel like back then and occasionally replaced it with a wet one so he wouldn't dehydrate and those hands still try to grab at him and pull his clothes off and and and

He wakes up screaming and kicking.

"Well now we know why that guy wanted to stay. Calm down, you are a grown man. You aren't a three year old"

Alex knows whatever will come out of his mouth will be less than coherent and more just a mess.

He just manages to repeat "hands" again and again. Too many hands.

The man grabs him.

His first instict is to kick the man in the face. "Dont touch me. Get away. Stop touching me!" A few tears roll down his cheeks.

All of his careful work to let none see what exactly Katherine did was ruined. All of the rumors of him just being a careless kid he could have disproved. All the times he told his 'friends' he didn't have time because it happened to be a panic attack prone day. All the mocking of how overly covered up he dresses. All of the times he lied and claimed his mental issues came out of nowhere.
All of that ruined.

The man drops him back into the bed. The hit hurts his already aching lower body and lets a shock go through his rips. Everything hurts.

He feels like a child again. Like a child locked in that godforsaken room

He just curls together. He doesn't care what stitches rip open. He just needs safety.

And if he is the only one to provide it, fine.

Attention is a double edged sword. In one of his relationships he would do anything for Attention but from anyone else it makes his skin crawl.

It makes him sick to have them stare.

Sexual stuff especially repulses him. Sure, he can deal with it if he is close with someone. He's Not into anyone sexually even if in a relationship.

He probably could've been. Yeah. He could have totally been into someone without all of that.

Well, not women. He only really feels that sort of soft fuzzy feeling around men. But that probably means nothing.
Well, more specifically one man.

The realization hits like a gut punch

Oh no

Oh no

Why does the thing he planned against happen?

Well fine, he is going to tackle this logically. He doesn't usually crush.

Never really. He needed a long time to like Viktor and even then he is not sexually interested in them. Sure if they wanted he would try but that's it.

Alex never really had much relationships with people. Sure, he will argue he technically has romantic experiences since a few of the people, usually slightly younger men who cheated on their wives and women tended to go on outings with him. However the majority of those were pitiful after coercion. The other half was just a shameless power hungry bunch

He however fully believes Viktor would never hurt him.

There is a soft knock.

"Come in." Alex manages to get out.

"Hello. I hope it's fine I am back." Viktor enters,  slightly nervous

"I like to be around you. I am glad when you are there"

"Thank you. I also really really like to be in your presence. It's almost chilling in a good way?"

"Thank you?"

"I think you have that presence on most. Honestly, I feel calmer around you. You are quite comforting to be around." Viktor sits down on the chair next to his bed. "If you get out you could ask Porter to try and help your injuries."

"I honestly don't think we are that close."

"If that's in reference to not visiting, I promise you he is just uncomfortable with medical facilities."

"I am aware. However I'd argue you need to like the person you use your ability on or it's painful."

"I don't think there's someone who doesn't like you."

"I know from first hand experiences how painful ability use is if the person doesn't like you, Viktor. I appreciate your flattery though"

"I mean, I adore you. I assumed your presence felt like that to everyone."

Alex doesn't even notice how embarrassingly red he gets. God damn. Didn't he decide falling in love was not an option? Why does it take a few compliments to reduce him to such a mess? He isn't a 15 year old schoolgirl anymore who will kick her feet just because her crush texted her back. He is glad they can afford it but he can't.

"I have a small repayment for your help. I need to hold your hand though."

"Sure!" They grab his hand.

And Alex focuses on cramping up something nice. Well, as nice as his memory wants to provide. If he focuses enough he can cut his own thougths out. Which he would prefer to at least filter

Alex sucks with his emotions, he honestly doesnt know if he will ever say he loves someone. But he migth at least try this. He attempts to gather the memory of that one afternoon where they just laid togther and slept, carefully removing some vile thougths out of it

He washes the memory clean of his pain, only wanting it to be nice and soft. He cant let them in on his pain quite yet but he is willing to try to show them this.

His feelings loudly scream in his head. Most of them are a very clear no. Its impulsive, sure, but whats the worst to happen

His mind conjures several worst case images

God he is stupid. He pulls his hand away as soon as his thougths from back then would appear.
"I am really sorry if I did not reach your favorite part but you really don't want to hear those thoughts. They are quite… vile."

They reach out to touch him but he flinches. Bugs are crawling under his skin everywhere. "Give me a minute. It will be fine. I will be fine. I just need a bit"

Eventually he reaches for their hand. "If any memory sparks through, tell me."

"If it's not uncomfortable i don't mind"

"Filtering can be really painful. But just giving the whole thing isn't."

"I have seen and heard my fair share of disturbing things. I promise I will be fine. But I want you to be comfortable. Also if you want I can wait or you can just tell me if you dont like me."

"I really lo-Like you."

"I am glad."

"I also am a horrible partner"

"I believe I should jugde that. And from my past expiriences you were great."

(I hope you enjoyed

Here a small explanation what caedsexuality is:
Caedsexuality is a lack of sexual attraction due to trauma)