FAUX REAL

31

She's everywhere. Haunting me. Following me like a stupid ghost. I go to the library- she's there. Common room- she's there. Staircase- she's freaking there. Why? Why can't she just leave me alone? I don't want to talk to her. I have nothing to say. I have nothing left. No energy to give her.

My Jennie reserve is depleted, empty, drained. I thought time was supposed to heal all. I thought that space and distance and distraction were going to help me forget and move on. It's all lies. Nothing is helping. Nothing.

I can sense when she's around. I can feel it in my bones. Her presence.

She's here. Somewhere in the dining hall. I know it. I grip my fork tighter, digging it into the plate of whatever the hell we're eating today, spaghetti I think? Or was that last week? I don't know anymore. Everything is jumbled. Hours, days, weeks. Just one giant mess. A mess.

God, I hate messes.

"Lisa?" Rosé waves her hand in front of my face. "Hello? Are you having a stroke?"

"What?" I ask, flicking my gaze up and scanning the faces of my friends. "Oh, umm, yeah, totally."

Wendy blinks. "Did you even hear what she asked?"

"Lisa, girl," Kai sighs, tilting his head. "You need to get over that piece of shit, okay? This whole sad girl Billie Eilish vibe was cute for a minute but it's time to hop on the Prozac train and join us back in Happyland, okay?"

I sigh, forcing a smile. "I'm fine, just tired."

Wendy rolls her eyes. "Babe, you've been wearing black for weeks now, it's like you're in mourning. Clearly, you're not fine."

"It's the school uniform," I say lifelessly. "Kinda not my decision."

"Yeah, okay," she tuts, pushing her empty plate to the side. "Whatever you say." She lowers her voice as she turns to Kai. "Didn't know uniforms were mandatory on weekends too."

"Wen, enough," Rosé chimes in, giving me a gentle side-eye. "Don't be a dick to her, she's trying. Right?"

"Mhmm," I hum, taking a sip of water. "Sure am."

Wendy lets out a grumble as she and Kai stand up. "Let's go before she sucks our life force." She looks down at Rosé. "Do something. She can't sulk forever."

Rosé glowers at her. "You're not really helping, you know that right?"

She sucks in a sharp breath as she stares at me. "I'm sorry if I'm being a little harsh, it's just that we miss the old you."

"We just want our friend back," Kai adds. "We miss you. The real you, not this-" He waves his hand around. "Watered-down version you've become."

"It's just a breakup," She says. "It's not the end of the world. You barely even knew the girl."

"Yeah, you're right," I say, standing up. She is right. I didn't know her. Clearly, I didn't. I don't know anything. Not anymore. "I have to go meet with Mrs. Patella before class. I'll see you guys later."

Rosé calls my name but I'm already heading towards the doors.

I just need to stick to my schedule. Wake up. Run. Study. Class. Volunteer. Study. Sleep. That's all I can do. Structure. Structure is said to be beneficial in times of uncertainty. And I'm uncertain...about everything.