Two Summers Ago, the World Went to Shit

Chapter 4: Good News and Bad News

Chapter 4: Good News and Bad News

As the days went by, I had time to wallow in my self-pity and think about the many ways I could apologize for my behavior and my reckless decisions. I'm not going to lie, I struggled with it for a while. There were nights I thought about screaming, crying, running—I even thought about taking my own life. At the time, it seemed easier than living the way I'd been living.

Believe it or not, I wasn't always like this. I was happy. I didn't need some pills to fix my brain chemistry, and I certainly didn't need others or a man to make me feel worthy of living. How did I get here? That's a question I'd asked myself so many times lately. I couldn't escape this, any of it. I just had to find a way to push forward, so I did.

Things were back to normal, with my mental health, at least, for now. I'd been back on my medication for a little over a month, and I was contributing absolutely nothing to my brother or society. I know Caleb probably wished I would clean or cook or something, but I felt like I needed to isolate myself until I was fixed, I don't know. I just know I was ashamed.

I had this degree that made me equipped to help people, but how was I supposed to help people when I couldn't help myself? This illness took so much from me. It took me so much longer to get through nursing school compared to other people my age because mental illness created a lot of barriers in life with education, love, friends, employment—I could keep going, but I won't. My focus was constantly hindered, and at times, I was hospitalized for my outbursts and manic episodes—when they were severe enough. I think Caleb was beginning to feel guilty for moving so far away; that's when I started becoming reckless and less aware of the consequences of my disorder. He was finally seeing it up close and personal and not just stories from the doctors taking care of me that called my emergency contact every time I was committed.

The truth of the matter was that no one was going to hire a bipolar nurse; call it discrimination, call it an unfortunate circumstance, I don't know. I thought about withholding that information on the "voluntary" equal employee opportunity page on applications because, despite them saying they welcome anyone regardless of their diagnosis and disability, they lie. They were big fat liars. So, every time I checked a mark by bipolar disorder, I halfway knew they wouldn't be moving forward with my application. It only put a big red flag that said liability over my head for them to see. In the small chance that they ever did call me back, I would be hopeful that a company would be willing to work with me and understand the disorder or accommodations that could go in to making my job more maintainable, suitable for me. I didn't want special treatment, just a chance, you know?

So, today I thought I would try my hand at the small, community hospital that was close to Caleb's house. I needed to take back control of my life or give myself a purpose, something to keep me and my mind busy—that'd been my plan for coming to Oklahoma in the first place. I had not had a manic episode since the night at the bar, but I suppose that's to be suspected when you're medicated—at least, that's the goal.

In the time I'd been avoiding Caleb and Jackson, I'd been talking to Bailey because he was the only other person I had. I trusted him, and I cared for him despite my mixed feelings about our distance. He didn't know about my disorder, so he was the only person who couldn't judge me or didn't know what I'd done. We were slowly getting closer again after I'd disappeared for short periods of time here and there for reasons unknown to him. He'd call or text me every morning and every night. I was even planning on meeting him halfway between Pocola and Nashville towards the end of my summer stay, and I could not wait to see him again.

Bailey was the person that encouraged me to apply for a job down here. I hadn't told him much about my time here in Oklahoma, but he knew I wanted to get a nursing job more than anything. He told me to hold my head high and take control of my life. So, I took his advice and woke up this morning hopeful and anxious to start this journey.