Two Summers Ago, the World Went to Shit

Chapter 19: Home is Wherever You Are

Chapter 19: Home is Wherever You Are

Jackson had finally told me everything that happened leading up to the eight days I'd been waiting for them, wondering if they were ever coming. After hearing the events of that first night, I felt disappointed in my friends, particularly my brother and Bailey. I just couldn't find a way to process all I'd been through while they were living it up in some house partying and drinking. So many things could have gone wrong, and to me, they did.

"I'm so sorry, Sammi. I truly am. I didn't do enough to protect you," Jackson said as we felt the breeze of the evening air brush across us.
I grabbed his hand after sitting in deep thought for a moment.
"You're not the one who should be sorry," I said trying to reassure him.
"Mistakes were made from everyone, but there's nothing we can do about it now," I added.
"When I found you like that, my heart shattered. I thought I'd lost you, and I can't lose you. I can't imagine my life without you," he said desperately.
I smiled supportively.
"I didn't know I could love someone as much as I love you," he said looking into my eyes.
     I smiled as I leaned over to touch my lips to his. It'd been a while since I felt such a rush of emotions, but it was a feeling I needed. He kissed me back, and suddenly everything was brighter. Jackson had always been such a delicate yet powerful kisser—the kind of kisser that gave you butterflies, tingles, and made you want more. I wanted more. I'd always wanted more with him. And being here with him right now, this perfect moment of being in the presence of such beautiful wildflowers—wildflowers that signified a key moment in my hallucinations that brought me comfort and a feeling of being safe—it was exactly what I needed.
Jackson and I stayed there for hours in each other's company until the sun began to set. We stood up and began our walk back to the house. He grabbed my hand as we took steps across the grass. I looked over at him, and he genuinely seemed happy—the happiest I'd seen him in a very long time. It was such a great look on that handsome face of his. I was just afraid I'd find a way to ruin it—it seemed like I always did.
"Are you sure you want to do this with me again," I asked, trying to hide my frown.
"Absolutely, yes. I'm all in, Sammi," he said enthusiastically.
"Things are so complicated, all the time. I'm off my meds. I have a baby with Bailey, so that relationship is complicated. I'm just a walking disaster," I explained.
"That's never been an issue with me, none of that. You know that," he said.
"I'm addicted to drugs."
"You know, and I know, that is not your fault. You can get past that," he said reassuringly.
"But what if I can't?"
"You will," he said gently rubbing my cheek with his other hand.
We continued walking, my mind wandering back to memories of being tormented by Dillion. I swallowed deeply and began talking once again.
"It was a long eight days," I said sadly.
"I can't even begin to imagine what you went through," he said looking down, ashamed.
"They did a lot of hurtful things to me, but I don't think I would've made it through without the drugs," I admitted.
He looked over at me with a blank expression as if he wanted to understand, but he wasn't sure what I was implying.
"They numbed my pain, they sedated me, the drugs—they gave me you. Jackson, every hallucination I had was with you. The hallucinations took me away from that situation I was in and allowed me to find you, even in the darkest times. I can't help but think that those were signs that we belong together. When my mind escaped itself, the safe place it created was with you—not anyone else. Every time," I said.
"We do belong together, and we always have. I've just been too afraid to accept it. You have this hold over me, and it makes me scared to ever let you go. With Sophie, I was never afraid, but it's different with you," he said gently.
I gave him a hint of a smile as we approached the house all of us had been staying at.
When we walked through the front door, everyone else had returned from scavenging. They were all waiting and hovering in the living room because they'd noticed I was gone, probably wondering what'd happened.
"There you two are," Caleb said relieved.
Bailey didn't even say anything initially. He just stood off to the side keeping to himself while occasionally looking over at me. He hadn't seen me in weeks. He hadn't spoken to me in weeks. And this was what I get after their fuck up? It was really starting to feel like none of them cared about me at all.
"I thought it might be good to get out of the house," Jackson said encouragingly, releasing his grasp on my hand.
I awkwardly looked around at everyone, eventually making eye contact with Bailey.
"You look good, Sammi. I'm glad we made the decision to let you get sober," he said dryly.
I didn't respond for a few seconds, but then I got the courage to speak.
"You mean sober from the drugs that I was being injected with while you guys were getting drunk? I don't need your false praises," I said emotionlessly as I brushed past him, walking towards my room.
He grabbed my arm as I was almost behind him.
"Hey, don't just walk away," he said sternly.
"Don't touch me," I yelled, yanking my arm loose from his grip.
"Don't grab her like that again," Jackson said, taking a step towards Bailey.
     He released his grip and looked as if his actions surprised himself, like he didn't know he was capable of reacting that way. I hurried to my room because I was flustered and upset from feeling ambushed in front of everyone while this was going on. It seemed like everything I went through required an audience, and I was tired of being the main event.
Caleb came into the room behind me, a look of sadness on his face.
"Sammi," he started.
"It's okay," I said, my voice low.
"No, it's not. I'm supposed to make sure nothing bad ever happens to you, and I keep failing time and time again."
I walked over and gave him a hug because I knew this was killing him inside more than it was anyone else. He had never let me down, but he made a huge mistake with the group. I knew he'd take longer to forgive himself than I would, and with him being the only family I had left, I needed to keep this relationship with him. So, I chose to forgive him, and I'd do it again.
"Caleb, it's okay. We're living in a time where losing sight of ourselves is inevitable. You messed up, and you realize that. If I held a grudge about it, it wouldn't change anything about what happened. I forgive you, so forgive yourself," I said releasing the hug.
"I just wish there was something I could do to help you heal from this," he said frowning.
"Just keep being the big brother I love and look up to, and everything else will fall into place," I said sweetly.
"Well, I know this has all been a lot for you, but I think we should consider getting back on the road and looking for someone who could help find a cure. I just got my little sister back, and I'd like to keep you around a lot longer," he said half heartedly smiling.
I nodded, giving him a smile back.
"There've got to be houses in this neighborhood with vehicles we can use. We may just have to take two if there isn't a van big enough for all of us anywhere," I suggested.
"I'll get everyone rounded up," he said as he exited the room.
I followed behind him, walking over to Bailey who still seemed on edge.
"Where's Grace," I asked softly.
"Uh, she's sleeping right now," he said hesitantly.
"Can I go see her?"
"I think it's best if you just wait until she wakes up. She hasn't been sleeping well without her mother around, and this is the first time she's slept decently in a while," he said passive aggressively.
I tried to hold back my tears, but being denied seeing my daughter day after day was mentally taking a toll on me. For him to say she hasn't been sleeping well because I've been absent was hurtful. I knew I hadn't been speaking, but he never came in the room to check on me in the first place nor did he make an effort to let me see Grace. It brought me heartache that I felt could easily be masked with a fix of the ketamine and fentanyl hidden inside of the house. I was feening for it, and I was too ashamed to admit that to Jackson. He was still the only one who knew I wasn't sober, but I wanted him to believe I could get past this. So, my next dose would remain a secret from everyone, even him.
I slowly walked away from him before I had the chance to burst into tears or reacted; I didn't want him to see how his words and actions cut me like a knife. I could feel the heat underneath my cheeks from humiliation, and I could tell I was slipping away from myself again. I'd been off of my medication, so it wasn't a matter of if but a matter of when I'd have my next manic episode. I knew this wouldn't end well for me, but I was going to bottle it up as long as I could.
I made my way over to Jackson trying to contain my tears as Caleb prepared to talk with the group.
"Okay, we need to split up and look for more weapons, food, and cars. It doesn't have to be a van, but we'll need two vehicles to fit everyone if we can't find another van the size of our last one. Be cautious. It seems clear in this neighborhood, but the houses may still have dead ones roaming around," Caleb said to everyone.
"I think I am going to stay here with Grace while she sleeps, so we won't have to wake her," I said.
"Okay. We won't be long. Keep a weapon close by just in case," Jackson said kissing me on the cheek softly.
"Are you sure," Bailey asked as if he doubted my ability to care for her.
"Yes."
"She should keep sleeping until we get back, so just listen out for her," Bailey said dryly before walking towards the door.
I could tell he didn't want me to stay or wake her, but keeping Grace here with me rather than bringing her out with the group would be the safest option. Everyone gathered their things and exited the house, leaving me and Grace behind. I walked over to the window and carefully took a peek from the side of the curtain to watch them walk further and further from the house. As ashamed as I am to tell this next part of the story, it happened, and it's something I'm going to have to live with.