Two Summers Ago, the World Went to Shit

Chapter 23: Skin and Bones

Chapter 23: Skin and Bones

For a little over two weeks we all lived a semi-normal life in the dormitory. We had food, shelter, water, and most importantly we had a researcher dedicating his time to finding a cure for me. For once, I had hope for my life and my future.
Things between Jackson and I were exciting and perfect. I will say though that regardless of how perfect my life seemed to be in this small window of a moment, I still had demons I was battling. I could not seem to shake my cravings for these drugs within my body. Yet again I was lying to myself and my family about being sober when in reality, I'd made a pitstop before leaving the hospital after I'd left it up in flames that day. I walked back through the pharmacy and filled my jacket pockets up completely with vials and syringes keeping them a secret from the others this entire time. So typical, Sammi.
Each night when Jackson fell asleep I injected myself with more and more of the drugs, realizing I was prolonging the research for this cure and being subjected to wearing long sleeves in the summer to disguise my bruised arms. I needed to be clean for them to do the blood work and with today being the day that I was expected to be clean, I knew the cards would be put face up on the table for everyone to see them, and I couldn't let that happen. So, I found Gage before everyone was with me to seek advice. I'd started to feel comfortable with him, and I hoped he could give me insight on how to proceed.
I went to the research laboratory early that morning where I knew I'd find Gage. He was sitting in his chair with black converse and ripped skinny jeans that he wore cuffed at the bottom. He smiled once he saw me, but it quickly changed to a worried expression once he'd noticed that I had been crying. He sat up straighter in his seat, watching as I took slow steps towards him.
"Sammi, what's wrong?"
"I know we are planning on getting blood work today, but I've got to be honest with you, I'm not clean," I said with a sniffle.
"Did you find drugs on campus," he asked slightly confused.
"No, I had a stash from before that they didn't know about," I confessed.
He gave me a saddened smile.
"I don't know how to move past this. I have tried getting sober before, but I always relapse. It's excruciating detoxification that my body wants to avoid any time I try to stop."
"I can try to come up with a reason to wait a little bit longer if you're afraid of how your friends will react," he suggested.
"I hate making this your burden to bear, but I don't want to make things harder."
"It's okay, I promise," he said grabbing my hand sympathetically once I'd taken a seat next to him.
After a lingering pause, I decided to confide in him for the self diagnosis of brokenness within me—ketamine and fentanyl were what I'd prescribed myself with as the only stable therapy to continue from Dillion's demise.
"I was kidnapped a month or so ago, and they tortured me and injected me with that ketamine and fentanyl mixture sometimes multiple times a day. It was the only thing that allowed me to cope and move forward each day I was there and see hallucinations of what I needed to carry on. Now it seems like it's the only thing that makes life manageable especially when I keep losing people I care about."
"I had no idea. I am so sorry, Sammi."
"It's okay. I just," I began before the laboratory door was opened, revealing Caleb and Jackson.
I stood up quickly, giving Gage a worried look before trying to act as if nothing were wrong.
"Hey, I didn't expect you guys to be here this early," I said with a slightly higher pitch in my voice.
"We're just excited to get this thing going. I figured this was where you'd be," Caleb said happily.
"Just follow my lead," he whispered behind me as he got up from his seat.
"I was just getting ready to take some blood from Sammi now, so you had perfect timing," Gage said with a smile.
"Is Sophie with Grace," I asked.
"Yeah, she is. They will be by in a little bit," Caleb said, watching Gage's every move intently.
He slid his hands into a pair of blue latex gloves and grabbed a tourniquet. I was nervous, but I trusted that he had a plan in mind. I walked over to the gray chair from before and fake smiled at Jackson who had the sweetest sense of hope in his beautiful eyes. I pulled up my sleeve while Gage tightly tied the tourniquet around my upper arm to prepare for the blood draw. While I sat there in fear of them seeing fresh needle marks, Gage tried keeping them engaged in conversation to distract them.
"Keith ran out about an hour ago to look for a book in the library, so he should be back soon to fill you guys in on his plan."
"That's great," Caleb said cheerfully.
"Oh, I also forgot that I will need a blood sample from Grace's father as well," he said.
The three of us looked at each other nervously and back to Gage.
"He's dead," I said as I stared blankly at him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize, um, hmm, this just got complicated," Gage said holding the needle in his hand.
"What does that mean," Jackson asked worriedly.
"I'm not quite sure yet. I'll have to talk with Keith about alternatives, but for now, we'll just start with Sammi's lab tests."
I wasn't worried because I thought this was just a diversion. I figured Gage would get the samples today and discard them or find a way to tell Keith he didn't obtain them or something, I didn't exactly know the plan because it was pretty improvised at the last second. I was just rolling with it at that point.
Gage wiped my inner arm with an alcohol pad and then proceeded to draw blood. Jackson and Caleb were facing each other while they whispered amongst themselves about something. I squinted my eyes in suspicion trying to figure out what they were discussing. At one point, I caught a glimpse from Jackson who smiled sweetly at me, a smile that illuminated any room. I returned a smile back while still investigating their secrecy. A minute or two later, Gage had completed his blood draw, placing a cotton ball over the mark and wrapping it tightly with a bandage. I grabbed my sleeve, pulling it back down over my arm before taking a deep breath.
"That's all I need from Sammi right now, but I will try to find Keith to talk to him about our options," Gage said.
Caleb and Jackson stepped outside to continue their conversation while I hung back to talk with Gage.
"Hey, thanks for having my back. It would've broken their hearts if they knew I prolonged this entire thing we worked so hard to find," I said with a feeling of relief.
His body stiffened as he gave me a saddened expression, brushing his hair with his fingertips. He took a deep breath, and suddenly I felt uneasy.
"Actually Sammi, that wasn't a lie. We need both parents involved in this process. You and Grace alone will leave her as the sole donator of everything we need. She likely wouldn't survive that process, and it still may not result in enough for the cure. We will have to make hundreds of trial doses before reaching the ideal injection. It would medically drain her," he said.
I looked at him in defeat, trying to hold back frustrated tears. I just wanted to yell fuck over and over until the world wasn't pinned against me for once. Could anything ever just fucking work out?
Gage could tell I was struggling. I think everyone could at any given point—something about death terrified me more than literally anything else—that was my constant struggle everyone was witnessing. As reckless as I'd been in the past about my life, I felt like I had something to live for now. I wanted a future with Jackson. I wanted him forever.
Would it make me the worst person in the world if I thought, just for a tiny, tiny moment, that if Grace were my only loophole for a cure, I'd still do it, even if it meant she could die? Don't tell anyone I said that. God, it's inhumane for me to even think that, but I guess I was just an inhumane person. Sue me. I have a chemical imbalance.
My intrusive thoughts withered away once Gage spoke again.
"Don't think this is the end. Keith will be able to think of another way. I've seen him do miraculous things," he said leaning in to give me a hug.
"Okay," I said with a sniffle before releasing the hug and walking away with my head down to find Jackson and Caleb waiting outside.
I guess it had never dawned on me that Gage didn't know Jackson wasn't the father of my child. It should've clicked when he genuinely seemed surprised by saying her father was dead, but I was too worried about being exposed as a continued addict that I wasn't actively paying attention to the details of the world around me. I was terrified. Not only was I unable to provide him with clean blood work, I was unable to provide him with the father. I couldn't imagine that there was the possibility of an alternative solution. God, I didn't know why this was my life. I didn't understand it. Still don't.
Once I'd walked outside, I found Sophie and Grace with my brother and Jackson. Caleb was playing peek-a-boo with Grace while Sophie smiled, and Jackson stood enviously. At times it felt like Sophie and Caleb were more her parents than me. I wasn't sure if it made me sad or relieved that sometimes I didn't have to be responsible for myself and another tiny human being. To think I could just wake up and function without fearing that I wasn't providing adequate care to such a delicate individual, it was refreshing.
I sound like the worst person ever, I know, but I was in a dark place. I needed to be pulled out, and unfortunately, I had too much on my mind that didn't involve being a mother, a single mother at that. I hadn't really given Jackson the chance to act as a father figure to her since I typically pawned her off on Sophie and Caleb so I could have time with him. Maybe if I'd given him the opportunity to show me that I wasn't in this alone I could feel differently about everything. Maybe. Or maybe I just had this sense of imposter syndrome when it came to being a mother.
I just felt like a teen mom on one of those MTV shows that had a baby recklessly but still wanted to party and hang out with boys because they weren't ready to be a mother. I think I had this predisposition that in this world people died in a matter of minutes, and I was bound and determined to spend every waking moment appreciating Jackson being here and alive. If this was all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life, I'd die happily, I guarantee it. I just had to sort this shit out.
"What else did he say," Caleb asked eagerly once I'd approached them.
"He said he's confident that Keith could find another way, but for now we're just waiting again," I said frowning.
     The walk back to the dormitory was silent. Caleb had taken Grace from Sophie, and she and I went to her room to talk. We'd been spending a lot of time together throughout our long days here on campus, and I'd really found a friend in her. I felt like I could talk to her about things I kept hidden from everyone else. She never radiated judgmental or negative energy towards me, and I think that's why I felt so comfortable confiding in her.
I sat down on the edge of her bed while she climbed in at the top. I laid on my side, propping my head on my hand to face her.
"Sammi, we're friends right," Sophie asked me.
"Yeah," I answered with a slightly confused tone.
"Would you be okay with me and Caleb dating?"
"Do you think you need my permission," I asked jokingly.
"No, I just don't want to cause any problems between you or Jackson. I know it's a little weird dating your brother and Jackson's best friend," she said awkwardly.
"Do you see him as a long-term thing?"
"Yeah, I do. He's great; you know that," she said with a radiating grin.
"He is," I said returning a smile.
"Would you want to have kids with him," I asked.
She immediately frowned.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that."
"No, it's okay. Um, sorry, I feel weird just talking to you about this, but when I was dating Jackson, I got pregnant. We weren't planning on it, at least I wasn't," she began while gesturing to herself.
"I was on birth control, but evidently it wasn't foolproof. It happened while I was in nursing school, and I just couldn't afford to drop out and take care of a baby. I made the decision to get an abortion, and it crushed Jackson. He's got this pure heart that sees the world in bright colors, not black and white. He was devastated, and it was definitely a factor in our failed attempts at a relationship. I knew he could never look at me the same way. I saw it in his eyes every time we were together. It still gives me a lot of insecurity even though he seems to have finally moved past it," she said sadly.
"Are you afraid of what Caleb will think? Because he won't hold it against you, and it wouldn't change the way he feels about you," I said raising my eyebrows.
"I know. I see the way he looks at Grace, and I know that kids are something he's probably always wanted. I think I might finally be at that point where it could be an option for me to have a baby. That's the only way you can really start a family now anyways. It's not like we can just adopt," she began.
Briefly, my mind wandered, and you should know where it wandered to. I didn't think I was ready to float that direction, but it was now an idea populated within my mind. It's terrible to admit, but that's just how I operated. I kept thinking would Grace be better off as Caleb and Sophie as her parents or was I in my own head about being an unfit mother again?
Recently it seemed like there was more going on inside my brain than I was willing to accept. I felt like my humanity was deteriorating. Was it the infection eating away at my body or the seizures depriving my brain of oxygen for too long? Was it the non-adherence to my medication for my  manic bipolar disorder, or was it the effects of continued drug use? Maybe it was just me. Maybe it was everything. Maybe it was nothing.
"Do you think I'm a bad person for having an abortion," she asked.
"No, I don't. I considered it with Grace. Mentally I wasn't anywhere close to being a fit mother, and some days I still don't think I am. It's a human reaction to consider your options, and you did what you thought was best for you. Sometimes that's not what's best for everyone else, but you come first, not them," I said supportively.
"What made you change your mind," she asked softly.
"Bailey," I said smiling at the memory of the day I made that call.
"He was so excited when I told him. I guess there was a part of me that thought he would hang up the phone and block my number," I said with a short pause, "but he immediately began planning this future that included us and our baby. It made me feel like I wouldn't have to go through it alone."
"Bailey was a great guy. I'm so sorry you had to experience his death. I can't imagine what that was like for you," she said sympathetically.
My arms were covered with chills as my mind took me back to the day I watched a bullet race through his skull. I felt guilty. I felt really guilty. I just stared at her blankly for a moment before speaking again.
"I killed a little boy that day. I didn't even hesitate. I just grabbed the gun and killed him," I admitted shamefully.
"You reacted to a tragedy. You watched your child's father cease to exist, you-you watched him die. You reacted," she said trailing off.
     I gazed at her with an empty expression, feeling a sense of relief from finally saying those things out loud to someone. It was therapeutic. So we kept talking, really opening up to each other about some of our past traumas and stories of our lives.
     We continued to talk for a couple of hours until we were interrupted by a knock on her door. I jumped up from the bed and opened it where I was greeted by Gage. He had a look on his face that I was having a hard time reading. I couldn't tell if it was happy, sad, relieved, or something else.
"Hey Gage, what's up," I asked questionably.
"Keith is back at the laboratory, and we have some things to talk about. Do you want to grab your brother, Jackson, and Sophie and meet me there?"
"Yeah, sure, yeah, we'll be right over," I said turning back to look at Sophie who held a promising expression on her face.
She stood from the bed and followed me out into the hallway where the two of us split up. She went to find Caleb and Grace, and I went to find Jackson in our dorm. I walked inside to find him sitting at the desk doodling on a piece of paper. He perked up when he saw that it was me. He stood up from the chair meeting me halfway across the room.
"Hey. Gage just came by. He wants all of us to meet him and Keith at the laboratory," I said.
"Did he say if it was good news?"
"It was hard to tell," I said softly, temporarily spacing out at the thought of bad news.
"Let me put my shoes on, and we can head that way," he said eagerly.
A minute or two passed before he and I met the rest of the group to walk back down to the building that could make or break any hope of my future. We all silently took steps in that direction until we reached the entrance. The wind blew, and I caught the scent of fresh gardenias and lilies. It reminded me of the smell that singed my nostrils while I tethered back and forth between mania and decaying mentally in the funeral home after my parents died.
I never understood why everyone religiously drowned mourning people with such bulky acts of sympathy. People sent so many floral arrangements. What the fuck was I going to do with fifty baskets and bouquets of flowers? Because not only did I just bury my parents, but now I have to wrestle all of these clunky plants into the back of my car. Then what? I pile them randomly around my apartment so I can constantly be reminded that my soul and my heart are dying each day with each falling petal. It wasn't what grieving families wanted or needed.
I remembered every set of flowers with 'Sorry for your loss' cards attached to the outer rim of the pots and twine. They flooded the small room we'd been given to display my parents who were hidden beneath closed caskets. The mortician said they didn't even look recognizable which made me feel even more dissociated from the reality of their deaths. All I had were photographs of them, not even a clear image from the last time I saw them. It made me sad that I couldn't even remember the last time I'd seen them. Was I really that out of touch?
Hesitantly, I reached for the door before we entered and found our way back down the hallway to the main laboratory.
"Hey guys. Come on in," Gage said warmly while looking down at a clipboard settled in his hands.
Keith was writing something down on a piece of paper when he looked up at me, his reading glasses resting on the end of his nose. He clicked his pen and removed the glasses, folding them and laying them onto the table.
"So, we've got a couple of things to go over," Keith said.
"Okay," I said nervously, finding my way to a chair.
"Without the father's blood, antibodies, and other components, it's very close to impossible to formulate with just Grace. Now, I don't know if you're familiar with savior babies, but they're often conceived for the purpose of donating bone marrow, cell transplants, or organs to a sibling in need usually if they have cancer or another threatening condition. The way we do this is by in vitro fertilization. We have to do genetic compatibility tests to ensure that it matches Grace before implanting it otherwise it wouldn't be successful."
"So, you're saying I need to have another baby," I asked borderline in shock.
"Yes. It's the only way to fully protect Grace in this process."
"Would the other baby survive," I asked, my voice slightly shaking as Jackson and the others stood silently across the room listening to every word.
"I'm confident it would. It will likely have to donate blood, stem cells, or even organs if Grace's body can't handle the stress of everything, but I don't think it will come to that," he said giving me a little hint of a smile.
"And that's how you can create the cure," Jackson asked as if he were needing reassurance that I could survive this.
"That's how I would create the cure," he said confidently.
Jackson smiled at me, and I returned one to him.
"There is one problem," he added.
"What is it," I asked as my heart palpitated in my chest.
"Well Sammi, Gage ran a few tests on your blood work, and it showed that you are already pregnant."
Suddenly I felt like I'd been on a merry-go-round at one hundred miles per hour. I felt deja vu from when I was at the hospital and the doctor had told me I was pregnant with Grace. I was almost humiliated having Caleb and Jackson witness yet another unexpected pregnancy announcement. But more importantly, what did this mean?
     I was going to ask Keith, but then he was gone, everyone was gone. I knew what this was as I watched the room grow darker. I was becoming more and more aware each time I fell into this hole of dark reality. I felt uneasy at first, but then I felt confused because not everyone was gone—Gage was here. He was here, but he couldn't see me because he wasn't in that headspace like I was. His body was here, but his mind wasn't.
Gage was infected? He never mentioned it. Not once. Why wouldn't he tell me that?
     I wanted to walk over and shake him to somehow bring him here, but I didn't have to. He'd found his way here not long after me. Now we were looking at each other, bewildered, at least I was anyways.
"Gage?"
"Hey Sammi."
"Wh-what? You're infected too?"
"Yes. I'm sorry you're finding out this way," he admitted.
"I don't understand?"
"I got the infection when I started graduate school here studying under Keith. They required everyone to be up to date on their vaccinations, and my hepatitis antibodies weren't what they needed to be. I went to a clinic off campus to get a titer, but I've come to realize that isn't what they gave me," he said looking down at the ground.
"Keith has been working on a cure for you," I asked.
"He was, but we hit a wall several months ago. He's tried thinking of ways to modify his technique, but we were left with nothing until you arrived."
"And now?"
"And now I get to help him make a cure for you," he said smiling while trying to disguise his envious brokenness.
"You don't think he could do the same for you," I asked, furrowing my brows.
"There wasn't a baby involved when I got injected. I'm afraid you had a very, very rare situation. You're probably the only person in the entire world to be that lucky."
I looked down at the ground shamefully.
"This isn't fair."
"It's okay, Sammi. I promise," he said admiring me.
I stared at him until my vision went black. I didn't know if I'd fainted or had another seizure, but some time later, I woke up in my dorm.