I THINK IT'S bad that I suddenly want to drink wine because I'm having a bad day.
Usually I'll cut myself or eat my feelings—I hate that sentence—but last time I went to Bhanu's and Arjun's place, I snuck in some wine.
So I'm looking at the wine directly across from me, wondering how being high is in this case. Or shit, wait, it's drunk. So being drunk. And I'm thinking I'll like it.
So I get up from the couch, already feeling groggy, and fix myself a glass of chardonnay.
I get drunk on the third glass—I think, I'm not sure—and just when I'm having fun, the stupid fucking doorbell rings.
"Aarya. Hey." He seems frantic like he thinks I'm going to do something to myself. Little does he know. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I didn't know that you liked when people are silent. I should've thought of your feelings before I said that. But really I don't even know you that well, so—"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I open the door and everything is so blurry—not like it wasn't before.
"I know, I'm—" He sniffs my mouth. "Is that wine? Aarya, you're nineteen: you shouldn't be drinking that shit."
"You know my age. You perv," I slur.
"Aarya." He runs a hand through his disheveled hair. "Oh my god, how many sips have you had?" He rushes to my kitchen.
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Haven't you done enough damage to my life? Stop wrecking my kitchen, goddammit!"
"I'm not, I just want to know—"
"Oh my god, just leave already!" I whine.
"I can't," he murmurs.
"Yes, you can. The door's right there."
"Aarya—"
"Don't touch me!"
He lets go of my hand. "I'm sorry." He stops talking then and I like it. We just stand there as the night falls and he says, "Can we talk now?"
"About what?"
"About... anything really."
"Your voice is soothing."
He smiles. "Thanks."
"I don't get how you can be soothing, but also harsh."
He opens his mouth. "I—I know. But I apologized for that."
"Apologizing doesn't do anything."
"I know," he relents. "Can I make it up to you somehow?"
"What? Through sex?" I'm joking. Partly.
He seems taken aback. "Well, that's not what I meant but—"
"I get it. I'm not interested either." I look at the door. "You can leave now, you know."
"I know." But he doesn't move.
"You've done enough damage. Are you aiming to do more?"
He scrunches his eyebrows. "No. Aarya, no. I would never do that."
I snicker. "People always say that, but they never actually mean it. You know, I always thought I was like strong and could make it through my life with this like confident manure. But, oh my god"—my voice breaks—"these past few months have just proved how wrong I am. And it doesn't help that a person like you who I thought was so kind just offended me."
I'm not even aware that I'm crying until I continue talking.
"I still think about suicide even though I'm doing virtual college and living alone without Bhanu and Arjun. It sucks. A-and sometimes I'll think of how much fun it would be to have someone who actually gets me. But it's so hard. Because every time I open myself to someone, they always give me a reason to regret it. Like today, for example."
And suddenly the tears I've been holding back from Quinn insulting me find their way out. I should stop talking, I really should. But maybe it's the alcohol in me. Either way, in the end I know I'll regret this shit too.
