Escaping the Closet

Christian Confusion

Hey, I am Danielle and I am in my sophomore year of high school I am about to tell you my story. So it all started when I was twelve years old and my older sister Serenity started dating her boyfriend Jake. Don't think I don't like Jake. He is amazing and is a great big brother since I only have Serenity as a sibling. Anyways when I was in grade seven I came home from school to see a boy hanging out with my sister and I didn't have a problem with it, it was just a new thing to see. I get all the crush stuff, especially at my school. My friends would always be dating even when they were ten and stuff but I never really found boys that attractive so I would always play along with the girls and call the guys cute and say I couldn't date because my parents weren't ok with it. The thing was that my parents were okay with me dating even at age twelve because they knew it wouldn't result in anything. After all, we as kids don't even understand the seriousness of relationships and just think it's cool to be in one.

At school, I was often made fun of because I was very boyish and wouldn't wear makeup, and would dress like a boy. I didn't like to understand the feelings that I was struggling with and would go home crying confused about being bullied. I often was confused and wondered if I was supposed to be born as a boy. One day I was at school a boy I knew named Simon came up to me during recess and wanted to hang out with me...

"Hey Danielle, wanna hang out? I've been working on my drawing skills as we talked about."

"That's cool!" I said. "What is it you have been practicing the most?"

"I figured out I like to draw dudes!" Simon said excitedly. "I make them look so handsome and masculine."

"That's cool!" I responded, sorta scared he would ask me if I liked boys like that but what he said next absolutely blew my mind as a thirteen-year-old Christian girl.

"Yeah, I think they look so attractive the way I drew them! I based one of them off my boyfriend and he liked it!"

"What?" I was so confused by this boy coming up to me and openly sharing that he likes boys and was dating one. I had always been taught in my household that homosexuality was a terrible sin and that anyone who was attracted to the same gender would be punished by God.

"Yeah, I love my boyfriend so much! Do you support the LGBTQ+?" he asked me.

"What is that? Is that bad homosexual stuff? You are a sinner if you do that!" I just repeated what my mother always said to people. Even though those were the words I said in my heart I wanted to know more about this thing called the LGBTQ+.

"It's not bad, it's love. Loving someone no matter their gender is not bad. People deserve love no matter who it is from. If I love my boyfriend and he loves me, what is the problem with that? It's not affecting you, it makes us happy."

"I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry my family says homosexuals are bad. Can you tell me more about the LGBTQ+ community? I want to know about it. But you can't tell anyone I am asking about it."

"Yes of course I can!" Simon answered excitedly.

"Well first of all what do all the letters and the plus sign mean?" I was intrigued.

"Ok so basically each of the letters stands for sexualities and gender however we don't want to have someone saying a bunch of letters so we put a plus on the end to make it easier. Do you want to know what the sexualities are in the first bit?"

"Yes please!"

"OK so L is Lesbian G is Gay B is Bisexual T is Transgender Q is either Queer or Questioning and the "+" stand for omnisexual, nonbinary, demi girl, demi boy, pansexual, demisexual, asexual, aromantic, demi romantic, genderfluid, and many more sexualities and gender identities!"

"That's cool but umm can I ask something?" I said nervously.

"For sure, what do you want to know?" Simon responded.

"How did you figure out you only liked guys?"

"Well, whenever my guy friends were discussing girls I was never really interested. Whenever we were in changing rooms during P.E. I'd catch myself looking at them but turn red if they ever looked at me. I never really had feelings for girls and whenever I developed a crush on a guy I would make the excuse that it was just me wishing I looked like them. However, I am attracted to guys and only them!" Eagerly Simon continued to explain his coming out story.

As we kept talking I realized that he had the same experiences that I have been struggling with. I never really found any guys attractive and thought many of the girls I knew were attractive or cute. Despite me constantly having these feelings I always fought myself internally trying to tell myself that I was a bad person if I liked the same gender as myself. I had always looked at girls with the eyes that boys looked at me with. Ever since the day that I talked to Simon about LGBTQ+ my life changed. When I was in grade eight I came out as bisexual to my closest friends which included Simon.