Keeping Secrets

Chapter Nineteen May's Pages

"I lied to keep you from breaking my heart."

The closer and more comfortable Kira and I became the more we seemed to drift apart. She needed answers that I couldn't provide and it killed me. She didn't understand why I had to keep secrets, keep my past hidden. I know she thinks I can't trust her; I see it every time I look into her eyes when I ghost over my past. I want to tell her that I did trust her, do trust her, that I am keeping these secrets because if she knew she would run out the door and never look back.

I've spent many nights lying awake unable to sleep with the thought that I may be hurting her by keeping these secrets. But I know it would hurt her more if she knew the truth. She's too kind and polite to ask me to stop avoiding it. I am afraid of what the truth would do to us, the endless possibilities and scenarios running wild through my head.

"Hey." Kira's sleepy voice dragged me out of my never-ending thoughts. "Hey," I said as she lifted herself onto her elbows and looked at me. "Why are you still up?" "Can't sleep. I guess my mind won't switch off." "Again?" "Yeah." "Tell me about your life," she begged. "Okay." I conceded not even trying to avoid it anymore. It's only a matter of time before she pieced everything together.

I sat up and looked down at my hands that were playing with the sheets, avoiding Kira's eyes which I knew were fixed on me. "Well, I was born in America in Denver. My father decided to move here after my mother died. His son moved here with us." "How did your mom die?" "Car crash when I was six. A drunk driver hit her." "You moved here with your dad and his son?" "Yes, Damen. He's three years older than me. He's an angel, gentle, very protective, and kind. He runs his own company in New York." "What's your dad like?" "He's like any father I suppose. He's caring when he's sober and dead to the world when he's not. He's very open and accepting but removed and distant."

"What was it like growing up?" "It was... difficult." "How so?" "Damen was gifted in business while I was gifted with technology. When I was twelve I was caught hacking into a satellite. I wanted a clearer image of the stars. I was so stupid. We moved back to America that same year. I worked for the government after school until I was twenty. Then I moved back here, back to the place I considered home, and started a different life. I studied veterinary science and opened up my own clinic."

My heart was beating so fast that I was scared that she might hear it and realize how close I was to the whole truth. I looked away from my hands and down at her. I could see the gears turning in her head as she tried to somehow fill in the missing gaps. She knew that I had skipped over years of my past but it is not like I want to relive them either.

I knew she deserved to know but not now, not yet. "Why don't you get some sleep? You look tired," she suggested. "Yeah, I will." I moved so that I was lying back down, the covers pulled snugly over me. Kira turned over so that her back was facing me. I could feel the distance between us and not just in the way she had just put between us right now but the one I put there by pushing her away with my secrets.

"Goodnight Kira." "Goodnight May," she replied. Our goodnight sounds very much like a goodbye. I closed my eyes, a lonely tear trailing down my cheek. I used to think that reality was finally better than my dreams but lately it has been the other way around. In my dreams, I still hold her close to me and everything is alright. In my head things are perfect.