Perfect Screw Ups | Quackbur

Chapter Twenty-Four Finale

My world stopped. I'd say that I shut everyone out, but there was nobody left to shut out.

I spent the next couple of weeks in bed, tangled up in his blankets and breathing in the scent of him.

The pain was so fervent that I didn't even have the strength to relapse. All I could do was cry. Cry for the loss of the love of my life.

I fell back into some old patterns though.

I stopped eating. I stopped singing. I stopped playing. I stopped living.

I started starving. I started crying. I started sleeping the days away. I started deteriorating.

The world was a dark, and cold place without the sun.

The world was meaningless and a million times less bright without Quackity.

The world was so quiet. The house was so dark and so so quiet.

I kept thinking that I would wake up and Quackity would walk through the door. That he'd bring a plate of food to me and tell me that I needed to eat again. I kept thinking I'd wake up and he'd be laying beside me, his beautiful eyes admiring me. He was always admiring even though I've never been worthy of admiration.

I kept thinking that I would just wake up because now my life was a nightmare and there's just no way this is my new reality.

I understand Quackity now. I understand why the loss of his brother had affected him so much. I understand because now I'm living the way he was. Only this isn't really living anymore, it's just existing without purpose.

There is no pain worse than losing someone that you had loved with all your being. Because now you are experiencing a pain so incredibly insurmountable and all you want to do is be consoled by the one person who can no longer reach you.

All you want to do is hear their voice again.

Feel their embrace again.

All you want to do is everything. Because maybe if you had done something, anything, different they'd still be here.

I understand the guilt that Quackity carried around with him always. I understand because now all I can think is that if I just hadn't gone to that concert, if I had just listened to the voice in the back of my brain, maybe he'd still be here.

But I didn't do any of those things, and I can't exactly go back in time. I have to live with these thoughts. Or, at least, I must try.

I sit up even though my head is pounding furiously against my skull, telling me to lay back down and decompose.

Quackity loved me. He loved me and I will never forget. He showed me love even if it was short-lived. What we had was real, and pure. He would never hurt me. He never meant to hurt me.

But Quackity was experiencing a hurt so strong that nothing he tried could numb it.

Not cutting, not alcohol, not smoking, not even love. Only death could bring him solace.

So, although it pains me, I do not resent him.

I hope that he finds what he was searching for. I hope that he finally finds peace and comfort wherever he is.

I stand up and I walk to my room even though my bones are like lead and they beg me to return to his bed. I pick up my guitar and I play because that is what I have now.

Quackity rekindled my love for music. He told me to live and not to plummet downward. He told me to pursue my passion.

So even though everything tells me to give up and stop living. I live. Because that is what he wanted for me. He wanted me to live, but to never ever forget how much he had loved me.

I will never forget. I will sing, and I will play, and I will put all of my hurt into my songs. This is how I will keep living.

Even if right now all I'm managing to do is survive. One day the sun will return, and one day I will live again.

Quackity, my love, my life, he is everything all at once. Every single emotion, I have experienced it with him. I've felt it all. I've felt love, sadness, fear, worry, anger, lust, and desperation. He showed me it all, and he showed me happiness when I thought I would never find it again.

I thought nothing good would ever happen to me. I thought Quackity was too good. But that isn't true, we were made for each other. We are soul mates, and I know that no matter what route I chose to take, my path would always lead me to him.

We were screw ups, and maybe our mistakes ruined each other or added to the dumpster fire that was our life, but we were one big flame together, burning and falling apart. But we were warm, and we were together. And I'm convinced that that is all I needed. Together. I needed someone to show me I am worthy of love, he gave me that. And I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world.

So to you, my love, I devote my beating heart and my life to. I would die for you and I would do it over and over again, just to steal a kiss. But today, and everyday after that, I will live for you. Because you are too good to have, and yet I have you, you are mine. And that is about more than I could ever ask.

Until we meet again, my love. In the next life perhaps, or we will decompose in the ground and blossom into a tree. Or maybe we fill find each other in after life, or sleep eternally. Whatever the outcome, I know that I will find you.

Because we were made for each other.

We were perfect for each other.

Despite our flaws, and the countless mistakes we've made, we still complimented each other.

We were perfect screw ups.