When a parent dies, it leaves a hole in the center of your chest. The hole will always be there but over time the pain will ease. When you watch the person who inspires you to become a dancer dies suddenly; your passion for dancing dies with them. W...
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What do you do when the love of your life dies while giving birth to your girls? Die right along with her. Not literally but metaphorically. I feel like I died right there with her. I am a shell of the man I once was. A whole piece of me is missing and there is no way of getting it back. The only thing I have of her besides memories, pictures, and my wedding ring; is our daughters. Avery, Oakleigh, and Sydney. Those three are the reasons I'm still standing even if it's the shell of who I once was. I live for my three perfect angels. Thanking the Gods above he didn't take these three as well.
When Alyx died four years ago, I up and moved us from New York City to a small hole in the wall town called Rose Hills. Population of three hundred.
No, I'm no city boy, I went to college in New York. That's where I met Alyx and I knew immediately she had stolen my heart from first glance. We married while still in our third year of college. Two years later she was pregnant and it was the same year I lost her but got our blessings at the same time.
I'm actually from a small country town call Primrose. It's actually five miles from Rose Hills. The sheriff who's been my best friend since we were in diapers; is also from Primrose.
I went from being a big firefighter in NYC to a firefighter in this small town. Actually captain of the Fire Department in this small town. I moved us here to Rose Hill three years ago when my girls were just two. Alyx's parents died when she was eighteen, she just graduated from high school. The move here was easy seeing as it was just Alyx and I at first; then she died and the girls came. I couldn't handle NYC anymore and had to make the change. It was effecting daily; like it isn't here...
Note to sarcasm.
It's just not as bad; I don't round the block and see her favorite shop anymore. I don't go two blocks down and see her favorite restaurant. NYC was filled with everything Alyx loved. I just couldn't handle seeing it anymore.
Rose Hill was supposed to be a fresh start. A new beginning for us four. I didn't come to Rose Hill looking for love. I came to Rose Hill to escape the nightmare I was living. I'm still living in this nightmare, so more like trying running from a nightmare that I'm in.
I get so angry at the world when I thought.... Well still think about to this day: how she couldn't be there for their first words. Their first steps. Their first day of school. Their first of everything. Hell to even watch them grow in general. It isn't fair she can't be here to see our girls grow into three different individuals. Five years of her not here. Five years of the girls never being able to see their mother. Five years of living in this nightmare I call life.
I love the fact my friends don't try to push me out into the dating circle. I appreciate the fact they know I'm still healing or at least trying to heal. How can I dare to date when I still have the wedding ring Alyx picked out and put on my finger on our wedding day? It wouldn't be right. It would not be fair to anyone if I am still holding on to my past.
Months after I moved here, I knew when I heard her laugh I had to stay a clear distance away. Her laugh is infectious. She laughs, her sweet melody, you will join in with her. Her smile is so contagious. She smiles and instantly all you want to do is show off your own pearly whites. Her voice pulls you in like a lullaby. I knew she would be the kryptonite that would land me on my ass. And for that, I was not ready to fall from my spot. Not yet at least. She sparks something I haven't felt in years. That spark I felt scared the utter living hell out of me. So as hard as it possibly was, I stayed a good distance away. She's tried for three years to get to know me and for three years I've kept this spunky no foot nothing girl a mile from me. If I'm still broken, what right would it be to drag her with me into my broken world? It wouldn't be fair and most certainly would be cruel thing I've ever done. The past three years it's been hard to keep her at the safe distance. She's slowly closing that long mile into a football field distance instead.
It isn't safe but here I am slowly letting her get closer and closer towards me. This will end in a big disaster and I'm not sure I can survive the fire she's causing.
How ironic, the fireman can't put out a small fire. If you felt the blaze on this girl, you would see what I'm exactly talking about. One of us will get burnt and I don't know who exactly it will be.
I'm not ready to find out.
Nor do I want to find out.
I have to fight the urge to let her near. I have to fight the sparks I feel when she's around. I have to fight with every fiber of my being to not crumble at her mercy. Do I succumb to the flames or do I fight to put them out?
This fireman isn't going down in the flames without a fight.
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