Life And Death

wonderfully ignorant fuck

I stared down at the small, curved pill in the palm of my hand. It wasn't spherical, it was more the shape of what you think an alien spaceship would look like. The light nude colour wasn't too different from the shade of my skin, a letter or number etched perfectly into the exact centre. I can't remember what the number was, or if it was a letter, I wasn't focused on that, just getting it over with. Walking into the small excuse of a kitchen I twisted on the cold water tap and let it run, filled my empty Buxton water bottle with water and slowly turned the tap to the left until the drips stopped. I had got a glass out first, but it seemed like a smarter, safer idea for a bottle of water. I'd been told that I'd feel nauseous and possibly vomit and nothing scares me like the idea of being physically sick, water bottles made me feel as safe as I could from the possibility of vomiting. I glanced down at the pill again, took a mouthful of water and swallowed. It was still there, clinging to the sides of my oesophagus as if refusing to be ingested. Just go the fuck down. Swallowing more water I winced it away and closed the kitchen door. Step one done. Now it'll stop growing, now I can get it over with and carry on with life again.

I didn't think I'd ever be in this situation. Part of my twisted brain, down in the depths of my self loathing self sabotaging pit of depression I believed, no that's a lie, I hoped that I was infertile. 5 years of having sex with the same person and barely using protection or being on any type of contraception you'd start to wonder why this hadn't happened yet. Well it was happing now dumb-arse, congratulations on being a wonderfully ignorant fuck.