Life And Death

the one who knocked me up

Dating apps are an odd situation to say the least. You have the few looking for a meaningful connection but most there for a quick 'Netflix and Chill' session. Then those like me who had given up with trying to find someone, not there for a one night stand but not really there for a full on relationship either. As far as I was concerned, I was unlovable. I'd been through it all, cheated on, ghosted and even had a list read to me of all the tiny details that made me unattractive. My wonky nose, being too short, my chubby cheeks, lack of prominent bone structure. And my personal favorite, I'll quote this for you: 

'Not to be a cunt but you could be a bit slimmer'. Of course coming from a jobless weed smoker who was high more than he was sober. What a catch!

Then I met James. I still remember is Tinder picture vividly, it was quite heavy with shade and his expression was blank, not a pout but not a smile. As if it was just his normal day to day expression that he walked around with, the type of face that couldn't look bad just caught off guard. He had thick hair and piercing eyes, that was it for me, the eyes. I did have to think twice, I was 19 and James was 18, I had never been interested or even thought about being interested in someone younger, it just wasn't normal. I don't remember swiping right or matching but I remember messaging first. He was quite shy and terribly shit at flirting but it was someone to fill my day speaking to and I enjoyed speaking to him. Then he disappeared. Hey ho, I was used to this, been ghosted many a time, life will go on. In reality what I really thought was 'Fuck you then, a waste of my time as usual, what a prick' (sorry James). About a week or so later I opened the dreadful app full of useless men and disappointment to find a message from James. He broke his phone and had to buy a new one, and then re-downloaded Tinder and messaged me. I shouldn't have believed him, knowing him now I know it was true, but oh god how many gullible women would believe that shit. What a terrible excuse. Soon, it might have even been that night, we had our first phone call. I was home alone and heard a massive crash, like the back door smashing into the kitchen counter. I had never been more scared in my life. It was easily midnight and I was sure that an axe murderer had just broken into the house and the only logical thing to do was to be on the phone with James. As if he could help, he couldn't even drive. We talked and laughed for a few hours, he was convinced I was lying just to speak to him. If I'd have known how mesmerizing his voice was, I definitely would have lied about it just to hear him. I woke in the morning to find that no one had broken in, the toilet roll holder had fallen down on the tiled bathroom floor. Not embarrassing at all. 

I met him in person a few days later. He was coming over to my house (sorry Dad, I wasn't allowed boys round unless you'd met them. Surely you knew?) He got off the bus where I told him too and we walked towards each other. There he was, he'd told me he was tall but fuck, I was regretting it then. Every step he took towards me I was talking myself out of it. Left foot, no lets just turn around. Right foot, he won't know its me, I'll run. Left foot, you're wearing a dress you can't run. Shit, he's getting closer. For reference, I'm 5 foot and James is 6 foot 3. We do look a little odd. We both smiled at each other awkwardly and went into my house. I'm sure that's enough boring details about how I met the wonderful man I've been with for almost 5 years now; the one who knocked me up.