Life And Death

Sure positive

Christmas came and went. I'm not a Christmas loving person, a little bit of a scrooge and not knowing if I was pregnant or not didn't help. But I knew one thing, if I was, we weren't keeping it. It was a mutual decision, we'd sat down and spoken about this before and we were both on the same page. James would make a great dad, and it warms my cold heart to picture him with a son but he wasn't ready. He's 23 and I'm 24. Our parents were already parents at our current ages but we're not ready. Don't get me wrong, people in worse positions than us keep the baby, and I have nothing but respect for them, it's completely their choice. But it's not what we want. 

I kept drinking and smoking. An asthmatic smoker, I know, enough people tell me that I shouldn't smoke but that's not their life its mine and I'll do as I please. I drink far too much alcohol and of course whenever a doctor asks "how much alcohol do you consume on average" I say that I only really drink on weekends on special occasions, maybe a bottle of wine a week. Bullshit. Closer to the equivalent of a bottle a day. I'm not an alcoholic, but if I didn't drive I probably would be. I do believe that I have a problem with alcohol and I'm well aware that its not good but again, my life. I'll moan about it, because I want to lose weight and the amount of booze I consume doesn't help that at all but I wouldn't be me if I didn't moan about things that I do not change. Toxicity at it's finest! 

Why did I keep drinking and smoking? Knowing full well that I was more than likely up the duff? like I said, we knew that we weren't keeping it and if I kept drinking and smoking then we sure as hell couldn't keep it. I'd given it the worst possible start before it was even the size of a grape. That makes perfect sense in my messed up brain but maybe it won't to anyone else. I was going to have to find out for sure, I couldn't just keep sitting in limbo not knowing for sure and none of it was real to James yet because there hadn't been a sure positive; until there was a sure positive. 

We'd been out all day, trapsing round shops and spending too much money. We got home and James was building a smooth shiny grey under-sink shelf unit to go into the bathroom. I waited until I was sure that I needed to wee and pushed open the bathroom door with my pack of 20 pregnancy tests that the amazon man had delivered while we were out. I closed the door and pulled a test strip and sat on the toilet careful not to make the crappy lose toilet seat slide to the side like it always seemed to do whenever I was in a bad mood. There it was, my first sure positive staring up at me.