Life And Death

I didn't even need to wee

I'd been paranoid for a few days, but I'd been in this position many times before so thought nothing of it. Carried on about my days, I'd just started a new job and life had been stressful enough the past few months that starting somewhere new was an easy way to try and look forward. I've never been one who is looking forward to the future, I'm not a motivated person. I just don't picture the future, an image of life in 25 years time doesn't exist in my head. Two days late became four, then six. That's when I really did start to panic. I know where the pregnancy tests are kept in our local Tesco, I buy the cheap ones, the plain and simple 2 pack of just strips. Nope, not there. The shelf has an A4 piece of paper that in bold printed letters reads 'PREGNANCY TESTS AVAILABLE AT PHARMACY' and wouldn't my luck have it that the pharmacy was shut! Seven days. I go in again, I join the stupidly long queue for the pharmacy and wait. James had one airpod in his left ear, the other in my right ear. He wanders around Tesco, the further away he gets the music cuts in and out. There aren't many minor inconveniences that wouldn't have made me raging when I'm standing in a queue of 7 people waiting for the snail paced pharmacy works to serve these idiots. This one did. At least fifteen minutes passed before I was at the front. Now just to speak at a loud enough volume that this 65 year old woman behind the plastic screen can hear me ask for a pregnancy test. "They're over there on the shelf" pointing to the isle behind me. The isle where they used to be. 

"No, they're not. There's a sign that says to go to the pharmacy" now I'm talking a bit louder, as if this isn't embarrassing enough already. She huffs and walks out from behind the desk and right behind me, I follow like a lost lamb as she abruptly stops. "Here" she points above my head to a shelf two isles away from where the 'FAMILY PLANNING' section of the shop is. As if I was great mood already. I pick two packs off the shelf and try to find James. It is three days before Christmas, shops don't get much busier than it was at 6pm that day. It was a miracle I walked out of that shop without smacking some old biddy in the face for ramming into me with her trolly. 

I get home and take the test. I didn't even need to wee, the test came back inconclusive because of course I didn't wee enough. James is just laying on the sofa with his phone in his hand calm as anything. Another one to add to the raging list. "Don't worry just drink some more and do one when you need to go, you're just being paranoid" I'm never this late. I pour a glass of wine and join him on the sofa, sighing with stress. All I could think about was taking another test, my mind wouldn't ease unless I'd seen a negative test.

I took three tests that night. The others came back with one dark red line, like usual, but this time it looked to me that there was the faintest bit of pigment where the positive line should have been. James couldn't see it, was convinced that I was going mad. I took the last one the next morning and I got it too wet! The fact that you can piss too much on a pregnancy test is a joke. So, two inconclusive and two very very very faintly could be positives. What a way to start your Christmas break from work.