Unexpected Events

-rock in the road 7.09-

TW: referenced SA, thoughts of self harm
please don't read if it triggers you and stay safe<3
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Daryl being back definitely took off some of the stress I had been feeling. Some.

So many things in my life could go wrong in a split second. I was so worried for the time Maggie were to give birth, even before all this shit started woman died in childbirth, even with all the medical procedures and stuff they had. What happens if she needs a C-section like Lori? The chance of her making it are little. What if Negan and his people made an abrupt visit to hilltop and saw Daryl? Would he be killed? Would one of us be killed for hiding him here?

I felt like I hadn't slept in days. Everyday blurred together, I knew what happened throughout the week, but I could never tell you if they were today, yesterday, or last week. Maybe that's because of this whole thing, maybe everyone else felt the same.

Something I knew was just me is all these ups and downs. It was so tiring, going from sleeping for days to feeling like I could do just about anything and not stopping myself from acting like a complete crazy person. I've learned that me trying to run away countless times are from that, and if I weren't medicated it could be worse. That's what Rick got into my head anyway.

Now the guy who killed a part of me was dead. I didn't get to do it. I wanted to do it. Now I'm stuck with the aftermath of all this pent-up anger that I won't ever get to take out; on the right person that is.

I know I'm sassy and sometimes arrogant, I'm still young though, but growing up here that wasn't an excuse. Everyone had the same expectations which were to not fuck up; something I continued to fail with every breath I took.

Not to mention I still yearned for the truth, the truth of what really happened that night. I always settled on that Rick killed him, accident or by choice, but now I doubted it. It could've been anyone, maybe Rick was just awkward with me after the farm because he was upset about his death too, they were friends after all.

Nothing made sense. Somethings you could be so certain about just to find out you were wrong, like when we were told that Beth was alive. That's somewhat different, but still in a way the same.

Now we were being told about another group, the kingdom. An interesting name for a survivor's group but apparently there was really a 'king'.

We were uncomfortably all crammed into a car, hitting heads with one another with any large bump or crack in the road.

"You ready to meet a king?" I teased as Carl and I climbed out. He was strangely quiet, spacey even.

"Hm?" He asked. Of course, he wasn't even listening.

"Never mind." I said in a somewhat disappointed tone. It's been like this the entire day. I felt sting in my stomach, I felt like I talked too much sometimes due to my hatred of silence, Carl was the only one who ever really kept up with it, but after today I'm not so sure.

Two men were on horses talking to both Rick and Jesus. Jesus vouched for us once again after the men said something about not trusting strangers.

My mind was other places right now, chewing on the inside of my mouth staring at Carl to try to figure what was going on. He wasn't looking at me, so it gave me an opening to try to understand what was going on. He was strangely tense, holding his arms tightly to himself. He also didn't have that friendly half smile on his face he normally did when meeting new people. What was going on with him? Is this still guilt from yesterday- something that wasn't even his fault? I'd blame myself more than anything, if I hadn't shown him the guy who did it, he would've had less of a want to go in the first place. Plus, it's not his fault Negan is a psychotic killer, or that Rosita didn't want to sell out Eugene; not that it was her fault either for protecting her friend.