Unexpected Events

-the lost and the plunderers 8.10-

The air felt thinner, even with all the smoke and ashes from the fires. Everything felt just that much emptier. I didn't take my eyes off the freshly dug dirt until I had to go.

I sat in the back of the van, staring at my hands as they trembled. I felt like I was stuck in a series of events that just became more and more depressing as they went on. I was thinking and pitying myself when in reality I did this. I was the void that sucked people in and killed them, hurt them. Nobody made it out, nobody took it seriously. As soon as I realized I was a deathly curse I should've left, went off on my own from everyone so the only person I could hurt was myself. But I'm too selfish for that, I stayed, I got people killed and hurt and I still didn't know if I was going to leave or not.

Michonne and Rick were talking up front as Rick drove. I didn't listen in too much, my brain forgot every word they said after it was spoken.

I shifted in my seat, hearing paper shift as well, the note.

I moved so I could get the letter out of my back pocket, laying my back against the seat defeatedly as I looked at it. My thumb stroked over the writing of my name, his writing was somewhat messy but perfect in its own way.

I looked up, Michonne was going through the short stack of letters as well.

I got up and moved to a seat in the second row behind Rick, sitting on the edge of it. I moved again once I couldn't see the names on the cards, kneeling behind the consol and reading over her shoulder, still clutching onto mine.

Michonne, Rick, Enid... Negan...

Michonne and I both looked at each other, wondering if we really read that right. Why a letter to him of all people?

"Rick..." Michonne said, looking at it deeper.

"Not- not yet." He said, tears in his blue eyes.

"He- Carl wrote one for... for Negan." She said, moving her hand to show him.

Rick looked down at the cards with our same confusion, then shut us out again, ignoring it like it didn't matter.

"I need to talk to Jadis." He said flatly.

"Why would he write one for Negan?" I asked Michonne, sitting down in the seat. The others made sense, but never would I expect to see his name on one of those cards.

"What?" Michonne asked, disregarding my question, instead wondering about what Rick was talking about.

"They have weapons, they have people, we can't just give that up." Rick's voice was low from the events leading to this moment.

"Why now?" Michonne asked.

"They went with me to the sanctuary. The saviors saw us there. They're gonna be a target too, we still need them." He said with some quick glances at Michonne.

"You can't just go straight into fighting again." I said shaking my head with a slight squint, "you aren't okay Rick, I'm gonna do what I wished someone would've done for me when my dad died and say you need to find a way to cope with this. All of us do." I said rationally, trying to act as mature as I could. It was one of the things Daryl had told me I should do after I got diagnosed, that way I didn't act irrational. I thought about it until now, I wasn't the only one effected by this.

"We don't have time for that. We need to finish the saviors, then you can cope." Rick spoke like my words were a joke, maybe it was because it was ironic coming from me, or maybe because I was a teenager.

"Screw you, Rick." The anger boiled inside of me from the feeling of invalidation, "I may have not always had the best methods but I'm trying, at least I can say that." I crossed my arms, back hitting the seat and bouncing back for a second. "Guess that whole family thing was just a bag of shit then, huh Rick?" I mumbled, making sure it was loud enough the two could hear it.

"Rick-" Michonne's hand went to his shoulder, trying to stop whatever was coming.

I doubt whatever he would say could hurt me, fire away, Grimes.

"You are the reason this happened, and you still are bold enough to act like this." Rick snapped.

My mouth dropped open at his words, not expecting something so painful to come from him, it didn't even seem like the same person.

"Stop the car." I demanded after a couple minutes of sitting in shock.

Rick looked confused, like he didn't even hear what he just said to me.

I could feel the tears welling in the bottom of my eyes, nose sniffling as I tried to hold it back.

The car slowed, Rick and Michonne both looked confused like it wasn't obvious what I was doing.

I slid the door open, putting my note in my back pocket again as I climbed out onto the road.

"Liam, get back in the car." Michonne said, Rick rolled down his window after I had slammed the door closed.

"No, I'm done." I said looking at the two, still in denial that I was told that by him. Rick's opinion on me had mattered more and more as my relationship with his son had gotten more serious. "Tell Maggie and Daryl I said bye." I shook my head at them, just a continuous 'no' to their pleading looks. Why do they suddenly care?

"Liam don't do this." Michonne said as rain started to fall, perfect timing. It was light, barely noticeable if it wasn't for the windows and windshield of the van.

"I can't do this with you guys anymore! Everyone fails to realize I'm still a fucking kid, the only time you guys' care about that is when I say things that are actually useful." I said, hand sideways against my chest pointing to me. "I've done so much, and it's ignored, not just by you guys but by everyone, except one person..." I said as the rain came down just a little harder, "now he's gone too." I went quiet, feeling that vulnerability of sharing my feelings, the guilt of it.

Rick and Michonne were speechless, taking in my rant.

"I'm sorry." I spoke. I had no idea what I was saying anymore, "it- it is my fault. I thought we could, it was only a few and there were three of us... I was stupid, and it's been eating at me ever since I found out he was bit, but then you saying it..." I shook my head again.

"I shouldn't have said it, can you get back in here, please?" Rick sounded sorry but slightly annoyed. "Liam, I'm sorry, okay?"

"I don't want to hurt people anymore." I said, bottom lip spasming from the overwhelming sadness. "I'll get back in the car... but I want you to tell me something." I said going closer to the window.

Rick looked at Michonne and then back, "yeah...?"

"What happened to my dad that night?" I asked. Rick's expression changed, "I- I won't be mad... I need to know if I did something or not. If there's a chance he's even alive."

Rick's face searched for the words, this was hard for him, it shouldn't be. "Your dad, he tried to kill me that night. He wanted Lori and Carl for himself. He also said stuff he shouldn't have about you, and I didn't have a choice, I killed him." He paused, taking a breath in, Michonne rubbing his arm, "I killed Shane."

I knew it.

"Okay." I nodded after a pause; I knew it for so long but now I actually knew it.

I opened the car door, going into the back seat. I wasn't really wet; the rain had only happened lightly for a minute or two before it was gone again.

The van moved, all three of us were silent.

_________________________________________
there's going to be a time jump soon, not sure when but probably within the next couple chapters