Dancing in the Dark (Aurora Series #2)

Chapter 34

Audi.

Nathan changed... a lot. His hair is messy, and long now. Kumpara noon na matagal niyang inaayos ang kaniyang buhok dahil ayaw niyang magulo iyon. He also looks rugged now because of his beard, compared to before when he looks very soft, and gentle. His wearing a dark blue long sleeve polo. His body is muscular, and buff now. Kumpara noon na hindi naman masyado.

But one thing that didn't change about him. It's his eyes.

Kunot ang kaniyang noo habang nakatingin sa akin. Peke ako na umubo bago tumalikod at mabilis ang lakad na umalis doon. I'll just go back here some other time. Hindi ngayon. 'Wag ngayon.

I paid for my groceries. Nanginginig pa ang mga kamay ko habang nagbabayad dahil sa gilid ng aking mga mata, nakikita ko ang presensiya nila. Para akong nakakita ng multo kaya nagmamadali ako na kinuha ang paper bag.

I went to the parking lot, went inside the car, sinapo ko ang mukha at umiyak nang umiyak.

It's unfair! It's very unfair! Ako iyong nasaktan, iyong sinaktan nilang dalawa. I was the one who got traumatized, who suffered, who got depressed. Ako iyong niloko nila, iyong pinaikot nila, iyong ginagago nila. Tapos sila iyong masaya ngayon! Ang unfair lang.

They're happy, while I am still bleeding. They're happy, while I'm still healing.

Hindi naman ako ang may kasalanan pero bakit hanggang ngayon ay ako pa rin ang nasasaktan habang sila ay nagpapatuloy na masaya ang buhay?

I suddenly remembered; I didn't want to make Nathan my boyfriend because I was still healing from my past. I also said that he doesn't deserve that, he deserves more of me. Pero putangina, sasaktan niya rin pala ako. He doesn't deserve more of me, fuck, he doesn't even deserve me. Guess what? Until now, I still haven't healed yet, from my past, from him. Actually, dinagdagan pa nga niya ang mga trauma ko, e. He knows all my trauma, yet he awakens them. Kaya hanggang ngayon, sobrang hirap akong sagutin at maging masaya kay Leon dahil natatakot pa rin ako kahit na kilala at kabisado ko naman siya.

Sumandal ako sa upuan ng kotse. Kinuha ko ang bottled water sa paper bag na galing sa grocery at mabilis na uminom doon. After, I blew a large amount of breath and try to calm myself down. Inalis ko doon ang isip dahil magmamaneho ako.

Ngunit pagpasok pa lang sa condo, bigla na namang bumuhos ang luha ko.

Fuck, relapse!

At times like this before, I have Nate and Eli with me. Now, hindi ko alam kung kailan ko ulit sila makikita. Hindi ko alam kung pwede ko silang kuhanin mula kay Nathan. They are my cat, but he took care of them for two years. I know because Nathan keeps on sending pictures of them in our group chat before. Ngayon ay hindi na masyado. It's been more than two months from now. Hindi ko naman pwede na basta na lang kuhanin sa kaniya ang dalawa.

I wiped my own tears when someone knocked on the door. Tumayo ako at sumilip sa peep hole. It was Ate Heaven. I opened the door without even fixing myself anymore. Ate Heaven knows me so much. Wala akong maitatago sa kaniya.

Ate Heaven looks worried when she saw me. Isinara niya ang pinto at tinitigan ako. She opened her arms wide as if she already knows why I look like a mess. Ngumuso ako at mabilis na lumapit sa kaniya para sa isang mahigpit na yakap.

"I saw him today, and he looks so happy with his family, Ate. Parang hindi ko kayang tanggapin na ganoon sila kasaya. Hanggang ngayon, sobrang sakit pa rin ng ginawa nila. Ayokong masaya sila. Gusto kong maramdaman din nila iyong nararamdaman ko. I want them to suffer. I want them to experience the hell that they made me experience. Ako dapat ang masaya, e. Ako dapat," nahihirapan na kwento ko dahil nauunahan ako nang pag hikbi at nang paninikip ng dibdib.