Ive started to love you
Like I love my own ruin
Passionately and destructively.
"Everything you lose
Is a step you take."
But I don't want to lose you
More than my selfishness
More than my darkness
I wanted the best for you
So please never wait for me
Fall in love with someone else
Let me down quickly
How do I convey,
my remorseful regrets
responsible for your ruin
Should I tear myself apart,
pretending to be content?
To be happy with my sins?
Should I bury a hole?
Fall in it and pretend it is love?
Pretend it's better than you?
Tell me what to do.
Tell me what to do.
Tell me what to do.
I'm not this angelic being.
I'm not anything holy to guide you.
I'm not someone to be loved.
I'm imaginatively bankrupt.
I'm the girl left on valentine's.
I'm codependent on my poetry.
I saw this coming,
but I never stop when I want something.
And I wanted you more than you will ever know.
But I was undeserving of you,
everything fed to my inferiority complex,
so I was jealous of you too
Youre the person Ive wanted to become
Youre the one my parents would've wanted
And I will never meet your perfection
As I drowned,
you began to drown too
Every curse was shared with you
Why did I ever meet you?
If all Ill do is hurt you
This sadness will last forever
What was the point of it all?
4739 words worth of pages
If it was going to be burnt anyway
I foresaw everything that came to be
17 doesn't mean I'm still dumb
Mea culpa maxima
You don't get to claim my faults
They're the only thing I have left
They've become a part of me
Maybe you never loved me,
Maybe I'm still the me stuck in the moment he left
I just thought Id finally moved on
I still remember it like a dreamy yesterday
The way my lungs refused to breath
And I drowned with my self-awareness
There was a reason why he left,
I pushed him too much
I wanted him to drown in my first love with me
I could never say it aloud or to you
But I am truly selfish, more than you will know
I do what I want, and suffer the same ends
I won't be good enough for you,
Red is your color, but Im the poison between us
I don't want to be used to that
The moonlight's beams are shallow tonight,
Yet I could still find a way to drown in it.
This was supposed to be a poem,
But how can anything make sense anymore?
Don't misunderstand,
I cut you a piece of me
An erasure of everything grand
I cut you a piece of me
I am still with you.
I am still loving you.
But burn your pink carnations.
Let dust and ashes shroud your mind
Let it take control- let it make you forget me.
And I will attempt to do the same.
Erase me from your narrative.
Its not selfish of you but of me.
God help us.
Erase me.
Let happiness be known to you
Don't mind me as I forever regret,
Not saving you for last
Maybe we could've lasted longer.
Be happy anyway.
