The World That Is My Mind

I hate you, but I love you

I could feel my heart clench in my chest, it hurt so much to read those words. Anger coursed through me, but it wasn't fair, they were never mine from the beginning, no matter how many times 'I love you' was said, there would always be someone else that they'll say it to, I'm not the only one, and as much as it hurts there is nothing I can do but accept it and watch as we slowly fade. I've worked so hard to stop this from happening, it was draining, and only now do I realize just how stupid I was for trying to prevent the inevitable; at some point everyone leaves, why now did I decide to intervene? I was better off just watching as they left. It hurts, and I'm mad but there is nothing I can do, we grow as people, and mature, all I can do is hope for the best for them, and watch as we fade apart. Every memory of us will forever be etched into my brain, whether you remain by my side or not, I will forever see you as my number one, no matter how much I may hate you for leaving; you knew everything about me, every suffering I went through, every story of how many times I've been left behind, you swore to me that you would never leave, and you lied to me. You were one of the last people I had left, without you I fear I will lose myself, you were - you are, my joy, my sadness, my anger, you are my everything, you fixed me and helped me when I myself didn't even realize I was falling apart, you saved me without even knowing. Do you still remember when we would stay up late and tell each other in the deepest, most meaningful ways that we not only loved each other, but cherished each other too, how we would rant about how we saved each other, do you remember almost crying the first time I said those words to you, or is your brain too fucked up to remember? I don't know if it's the fact that you've changed, or something entirely different, but if worse comes to worst, I pray that you snap out of it, you know this isn't right, and even if you aren't beside me, I still wish the best for you, I still care for you no matter how much it fucking hurts. You made a place for yourself in my heart and will forever be there, slowly poisoning and killing me. I hate you, and yet I still love you.