Feeling Of Missing Out

Out In The Darkness and The Light

With our bodies refuelled, my mind is no less clouded by fears of being exposed, ridiculed and dehumanised by these artificial people in this manmade scenario designed to be a retelling of the past. I think the mix of that and confronting the reality that I have just created is making my young brain jump through several rings of fire that it has moulded for itself.

It's a two minute drive from the car park at McDonald's over to the cinema, such is the convenience of a leisure park. When the car pulls up and parks, Katie already knows that the nerves are growing within me and multiplying by the second.

"If you take my hand, sis, you'll be absolutely fine. Just smile and enjoy being pretty. Trust us, Dad and I won't let anything bad happen to you at all. You're safe with us, sis." She really wants to stress that I'm her sister - she knows it makes me happy to hear such a term used in association with me. If only she knew in the real world. No! I need to try not to hold that grudge. This is about righting wrongs, not regretting them nor blaming others for their existence. I take Katie's hand as soon as we're both out the car, with my big sister encouraging me to smile and relax.

"Yeah. I'm just going to keep quiet as possible, but I'm alright." Dad and Katie both agree that it's best I don't say anything. So that's me for the next few minutes while we navigate the tiny section of the leisure park that separates us from the front entrance to the modern, very polished cinema. It was such a big deal when they first opened it, but it is just a standard amenity these days. Nothing too mind-blowing. There are ten screens, and I'm hoping our movie is at one that's closer to the exit than the others. And then at the same time, I don't. I feel confidently unconfident.

Katie holding my hand firmly but softly enough as not to impede on circulation is a boost for sure. My family are in my corner. What more do I need? Chest puffed out - let's face the world, Dy - Skye!

One hundred eyes: fifty people in the café situated right by the door. I've gone from one person seeing, to two, to fifty. No one says anything - I still need to keep my mouth shut and my cover strong. To be fair, no one says anything to me. They could still be talking amongst themselves about the strange boy/girl/thing that just came in holding the hand of a proper female. But I think that's my cynical and naturally negative mindset creeping in, even permeating its way through an innocent eight-year-old frame. I'm far too young to be without hope.

Dad pays for the three tickets. This is before these things could be done electronically like making a bank transaction at an ATM. But the conversation he leads beforehand perhaps suggests that he is feeling nervous, even just second-hand. 

"Yeah, just me and the girls today. Mum's at work, so Dad's got the job of distracting them, eh girls?" Katie thankfully answers on my behalf. 

"Yeah, fun girls day out! This is my little sister, Skye. She's painfully shy, so she won't talk to people she's just met, but she's really lovely!" I just nod, looking anxiously in the direction of the woman working the ticket sales. I consciously avoid eye contact - I believe she would see right through the little lie. I will say that it's a stroke of genius from Katie to explain that I'm just a timid little lady. I'm impressed by her intuition at such a young age, despite my older/younger juxtaposition here. A 21 year old living as an eight year old. The world's going mad. Or it would be, if this was the real world. For all the pomp and circumstance to dress it up as reality, I know I'm still in that contraption. It's a remarkable  feat of engineering. Or a spectacular first exposure to illegal substances. I still haven't completely decided which side of that fence I am on, but Dysphor is pulling me over to his faster than my own doubt can push me to my instinctive pessimism.

"See? You're totally fine, Skye!" I still only nod in reply, and try to smile. I can't have anyone hearing me. I know that they will know I'm a guy. We walk through the large, heavy, blue doors into Screen 1 - so I suppose my desire to be close to the exit has been fulfilled. But in the screen room itself, there's a fair walk. I just keep my head down and hope the lights are low enough not to be caught and exposed. Once we are sat down, Katie quietly congratulates me and helps to soothe my worried little head.

"You did it, sis. You're really in public, now. Let your hair down, take your coat off and relax." Katie helps me unfasten the coat, but waits until we are sat down and settled before she removes my hat under the cover of the darkness. "No one will see it, they're just watching the movie. You'll be fine."

And Katie turns out to be right. The opening credits appear after all those trailers and everyone's eyes face the same way - away from me. Along with those lights, to accompany the credits, comes some pink smoke. Aw! I was looking forward to the movie!

If you think Dysphor is going to let me watch the whole film in peace, think again. The next time I can see through pink fog, the end credits of the movie are starting, the lights come back on, and my hat doesn't. Katie doesn't even remind me about it and neither does Dad. My big sis helps me into her coat again without fastening it, then we just walk out. And still, no one says a thing.

"Dad, I need to use the toilet before we go."

"OK, I'll keep Skye here."

"Well...I actually think I'll take Skye. In case she needs as well." 

"Oh! Well she'll be safe is she's with you, honey. On you two go. In fact, I may as well use the bathroom as well, so meet back here!" Dad turns and heads to the men's room - the room I also used on this day in real life all the while wishing that I didn't have to.

Katie leads me through the smaller red door with the 'female' gender icon plastered on and leads me over to two cubicles which lie side-by-side. "I thought you would need this for future use. Trust me, little sis. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Ever. So just be the girl you are, and tinkle like a lady. You will need to sit though." Her helpful and quiet reminder means that my instinct is to sit down. It leads to a few seconds of fiddling with the coat to shake it out of the way, but then I just do what comes naturally. I hear other girls and women entering and leaving, hoping no one says anything. But they won't say anything yet - they can't see me yet.

Once I finish, and wipe, I redress and flush. I then close my eyes, try not to faint from the panic, and shakily unlock the cubicle door. But as soon as I see Katie by the sinks, those nerves dissipate. While I'm washing my hands, I see my face in the mirror. I'm just a short-haired girl. It's not the most conventional style for a female, but my face doesn't give me away at all. Katie has to remind me to hurry and wash my hands as Dad is waiting for us. With a huge smile on my face, I leave the women's bathroom for the first time with clean hands and new hope.

"There you two are! I wondered if you'd fallen in! Or pushed each other in!"

"We get on like sisters, Dad. There's no fighting here."

"Yeah! We're sisters forever!" That's one of the first things I've said since we entered the cinema several hours - and one episode of pink smoke - ago.  As we finally see the outside world again, the glare from the streetlights harsh to our eyes from the contrast, I see the moon turning pink. It's only a very subtle shade, but it's definitely pink. Believing that to be the beginning of the end of this scenario, my family try to put my mind at ease by taking a longer walk around to the car, masked as a chance to discuss the movie. It's really a chance for me to be me just a bit longer. I see Dad smile almost manically at seeing me so pure and gentle and innocent. At seeing Katie and I get on like sisters should. At seeing me happier than ever.

We return to the car with smiles still firmly on our faces. Mine feels like it's been painted on, it won't expire for any reason. Dad utters one final line of inspiration.

"I think my daughters need more chances to bond. You two are so much closer like that. Skye, I'll do whatever I can to make you happy. The same for you, Katie, of course. I love you, girls."

"We love you too, Dad." We say it pretty much at the same time, Katie much louder than me. As Dad pulls the car away, the little device lets him know that something isn't shut right. It turns out to be the door on my side. As I open it, the light in the car sports a rosy hue. When the door closes, everything goes pink, then black.