Feeling Of Missing Out

The Feel-Bad

"Before we begin, you need to fix my face. You lied, so the least you can do is put my makeup back on."

With a snap of his fingers, my makeup is restored to its flawless impression.

"Now, can we talk?"

"Sure. You can lead the interrogation. Feel free to use the incinerator as the light to shine in my perfectly glittered face."

"I don't wish to harm you...again. But you needed to understand the full situation. And why I know I'm culpable. But I want to know what I did to you. That's the reason for my questions. I know who the victim is. I just need to know the impact. I know I'm the motive and the culprit - one in the same."

"Sure. Go ahead. But my makeup better not move one single speck of glitter or drop of gloss if I'm crying again."

"Deal. OK, firstly, why did Katie doll you up on that particular Sunday? She was 14, you were 8. Not really the usual ages."

"She was bored. She asked for a favour."

"But was that the first time?"

"Dysphor, you know it wasn't."

"So that became a regular thing?"

"Yeah." I shrug. "She enjoyed having a human-sized doll to dress and I enjoyed being fussed over in that way. Mum worked weekends, Dad did what he did. We must have done 8 or 9 makeovers before Dad saw that one you made me relive."

"So before that...with all the scenarios you have now relived, would you say that Skye's childhood was a lot better than your actual one? I won't deadname you."

"1 million percent yes. I would kill to go back and start from birth as a cis girl."

"Sadly, I don't have that power. How much of your dysphoria is looks based in your opinion?"

"It's likely the biggest reason I hate my male body. 75-80%."

"But if you hate your male body, it could also be the social pressures of being male that were the driving force. Tell me, have you had any relationships?"

"A couple."

"And what were they like."

"Pretty shortlived. I think I was bowing to social pressure to have a girlfriend before people thought I was into men or something."

"What would be wrong with that?"

"In some worlds, including mine, a lot. It basically marks you for death in my area, socially speaking."

"But as a girl, your insecurities about an attraction to males wouldn't have been shielded out of necessity. So that also plays a part."

"Makes sense."

"And behavioural factors too. Did you ever want to play with dolls as a kid?"

"I don't actually recall feeling that way, no. Dolls still looked boring to even my female mind."

"In terms of male expectation, gym and sports - were you a fan? Are you still? I note in fantasy one that young Skye chose trainers and played football."

"Some sports have a soft spot, but I could never compete with the guys. The real men. Not pretenders like I was."

"You wanted to stop pretending, remember that." I can only nod once. "OK so we have clothing, body, relationships and maybe some behavioural things but not all. I really did some damage, huh?"

"Jeez, you sure did. Why are we dwelling on it?"

"Just some results being analysed. In number 2, you chose to play Mary. Why?"

"...because I wanted to feel what it was like to be a mother."

"Thought so." Dysphor is so arrogant when he is right. "And in the flower girl scenario, you chose to wear a dress that closest resembled Katie's. Why?"

"Katie had been so nice to me in past episodes. And I wanted to be her little sister again, like our makeovers of old. That's why I chose to be mini Katie."

"You're kind, soft and caring. Your personality is definitely that of a girl."

"Thanks. But what does all this tell you?"

"OK. Keep playing along. There's going to be a slight change to the rest of the scenarios, but don't let it disturb you. It has not disrupted any progress - your mind is still healing. And the next one I have here is 'Cinema Trip.' Interestingly casual and bland by comparison, yet underlined in your brain as a regret spike. You may return to the machine. Let's see why this one stands out, huh?"