The Love Investigation

Try ? or Force?

2 weeks later

" So what were you telling .. you started to slept toge- "

"That's definitely not I was telling. " I said furiously taking a large chunk of rice and stuffing inside my mouth. Being at Vini's house during weekend brought back all the memories of highschool. She started to live on her own from 16. Surprising right . Family stuffs. Toxic parents. Long story. She's that one girl I don't get into fight with during middle school. Coz, there's no drama, jealous, above all gossips with her. She's like my comfort zone. I can only show my vulnerable side to her and John. But after knowing that John had crush on me, I couldn't show my vulnerability to him anymore.

Crush did I say?? Yep....i don't want to believe the fact he loved me...god that's definitely not gonna happen between. Maybe it's all in the past. Maybe !

Maybe he had that thought coz of the soft side I was showing only to him and not to any other boys. That's because I care from him. I saved him from all the bullies in middle school. I was protecting him. I don't know what made him to think like that. I don't know why but I'm thinking about that lately. The fact that I'm John's first love. Thinking lately since....

" Tell me about it. Everything." Vini demanded. She's so curious about my marriage life than I am. " I told you,.Vini...it's just... i thought It was unfair for both us to take the couch when we paid equally for the apartment. That's why I suggested it." I told. I don't know why but it didn't sound convincing atleast to her.

"So were you able to be comfortable. Comfortably sleep while Harsha was sleeping beside you." She asked raising her eyebrow. Now I'm regretting. Starting to regret why I called Vini on her day off. ! Why I said that I've successfully completed my case and I've got a week off. Why I suggested maybe we should hangout and tell all the stories we piled for weeks. Why I stopped her from blabbing about how handsome her senior was! I should have just let her rant about her own life. Though I show my vulnerable side, I'm still not used to it. I've not talked to her about my life since the last time. It bought back the bitter memories i was trying to forget, things happened in past. PAST. MY PAST. Shit . Im regretting. Regretting everything right now.

"Hey, are you listening. Now tell me, were you comfortable." I snapped out to reality. "You know what ...why don't you, tell me about that handsome seniors of yours who performed the perfect appendectomy!?. The one with large brown eyes. What was his name again....." It was obvious that I'm trying to deviate her. "Indhu pls don't try to show your tricks here, ranting about Dr. Gupta can wait. Now tell me. Don't try to change the topic. "

" Ok. Fine. Yes. I mean no. I was not comfortable. Do you expect me to be comfortable around a man who pushed me against the wall and try to do bad things to me. No i can't ."

I was definitely not gonna forget that. I was furious. That scenario clouded all the wandering thoughts I had. All those soft talks he was trying to make. All those gratitude, everything, all the good things happened to me because of him. I reminded myself he is an assh*le. I should stick to it. Should.

" I know what he did is not forgivable, I'm not asking you to give him a chance or something. But i just want you not to fool yourself. Just be true to yourself. Why you asked him to share the bed?? Out of concern? Gratitude? Or anything else "

"Definitely not Vini.He is an assh*le. Helping me once doesn't make him noble."

"I know that. But what I'm trying to say is if you are comfortable around him, don't deny that. But if you are not , don't try to mask that. Be clear with whatever you decided to do. You know the last time when I was dating Joy, things didn't work out between us because, when I was trying to make things work out between us, he forced himself, fooled himself, convinced himself to make things work between us, knewing that he doesn't want it. He doesn't want, he doesn't want me. And he knew it from the beginning. So what I'm trying to say is, if you are clear what you want or what you not don't convince yourself for yourself or others. Nothing is going to matter than your thoughts and opinions. Not any fu*king thing matters. Not even regretting it afterwards matters, because you know.. it happened. It's a past, which you can't change but can let go, or atleast try to let go not force to let go...."