The gathering wasn't really a suggestion and I would rather be anywhere instead of in the stuffy room with the Keeper's eyes locked on me. I had always been an anomaly since I came up and you'd think after all this time I have been here, I would have gotten used to the stares. But I'm not. I don't think I would ever be.
"Let's skip all the technical bullshit," Alby started the gathering. "What the hell happened? Where's Nick?"
My heart pounded and my ears rang. I wanted to spew out everything, let them know what happened to our leader. But it hurt. It was hard enough for me to even think about it, let alone talk about it. I looked at Newt, his eyes were kind and encouraging. He nodded, letting me know it would be okay. I took a deep breath and relayed the same thing I did to Newt-minus a few details I knew would make me look guilty. They all listened, most of their faces confused. Except for one.
Gally's face showed he didn't believe my story at all. "That doesn't make sense. Why would they change our memory of Nick and erase yours completely? For all we know she could have killed him. Just like she killed the first boy."
"I didn't kill him." I almost yelled. I had a feeling that some of them wouldn't believe me, but it still hurt to hear out loud. "I loved him. I had no reason to."
"We're not making accusations yet." Alby stated firmly. "Why would they make us remember Nick's death differently?"
I knew the answer to this, but it wasn't like I could just tell them why. Not fully at least. "I don't know. Maybe to test us or something. Protect us maybe."
"Why not do that with all the other deaths?" Winston asked. "What made Nick so special?" He widened his eyes, realizing what he sounded like. "Not that he was nobody, just saying what made him different from everyone else?"
"It has to do something with this shank." Gally spat. "Not to mention Matt is missing. Unless there is more to your story."
I turned red when all their eyes focused on me. I looked at my cuticles, picking at them. I had the urge to bite them, remembering I picked it up from Nick a while ago. I wanted to leave the Matt part out. Didn't want to admit that I directly took a life-even if he deserved it. But they were expecting me to speak, and I couldn't keep it in anymore. "I killed him. After he killed Nick. I had a switchblade that I kept in my pocket. I stabbed him in his heart and didn't pull it out until I knew he was dead."
"Jane-"
I cut Alby off. "If you want to banish me or send me to the slammers, go ahead. I don't care. I-"
"I'm not going to do any of that."
"Alby she killed someone, she has to be punished." Gally seemed to be the only one who was against Alby's command. Winston did look uncomfortable, but he stayed quiet for the most part. Probably still embarrassed from his last statement.
"Matt was dangerous and a threat to her. If we are going to punish someone for killing in self defense, shouldn't I be punished as well?" I had no idea what he was talking about, but was grateful he was on my side this time.
"There's still the question of the bodies." Zart spoke up.
They all looked at me again. I stared back. "I passed out after killing Matt and then woke up in my bed. I have no idea where they went. If I had to guess it was the creators who took them, trying to destroy the evidence."
Everyone spoke over each other, talking about the creators and some questioning my credibility. Alby rubbed the bridge of his nose while Newt tried to bring order. I knew our new leader never wanted to be one in the first place and I can see the stress of this one gathering already aging him. He sighed and yelled a "Quiet.", instantly getting a silenced room. "For the time being, we have no evidence of anything, nothing to say if you're telling the truth or not. So you're free to go. But starting today, your job as Runner is revoked. You'll be working in the Gardens with Newt."
He turned to Newt and Zart respectively, both giving a "Good that."
He tried to end the gathering, but of course Gally had to start something. "This isn't how we do things. You may be new to this leadership, but we have process to this, everyone takes a vote-"
"You're right. I am new to this. But seeing as I am the leader, what I say goes. And frankly I am not in the mood right now to even care about what anyone else thinks I should do. Alright?"
Gally was surprised that someone had spoken to him the way Alby did and walked out grumbling.
When everyone was gone it was just Alby, Newt, I thanked the former. "I was sure I was a goner with Gally."
Alby didn't respond but turned to Newt. "Welcome to second in command." He walked out without saying another word and not allowing Newt to process what he had said.
I didn't get up from my chair when everyone else had, frankly because I was still kind of sore and didn't want anyone else to see me struggling to get up, but now I got up, standing next to Newt. "Why didn't he send me back to Med-jacks? That was technically still my job."
"I don't know. Maybe it was a split second decision. Maybe he has a reason. But you should go back and lay down. Rest while you still can."
I bit my nails. "I want to do something for Nick." Newt looked at me curiously.
"What did you have in mind?"
I bit back the pain of my joints moving more than they had in the past two days. Newt walked beside me and we had invited Alby, but he said he would visit later by himself.
Newt thought it would be better to have Nick's 'grave' by the others in the deadhead. But I wanted to give him his own spot. He got some wood from Gally, who seemed against it, and a knife to carve in the wood.
I chose the spot I thought Nick would like and sat down. Newt sat next to me and started carving. I had seen Newt's carving skills on the name of walls but he was older now and took his time with Nick's name. When he was done he handed me another piece of wood. "Do you want to write something?"
I nodded, taking the tools from him. I wasn't sure what to write about Nick. Sure he was a great leader, boyfriend and person, but it didn't seem like it described him well. How can I put in this small board the exact things that Nick was? What he did? I couldn't. So I just settled for my original thought. Holding back tears as I did so.
Newt set the board post for the pieces of wood and when I handed mine to him, he nailed them up. We stared at the marker in silence and even though Nick's body wasn't actually here, I felt like he was next to me, trying to tell me that it was going to be okay.
But I wasn't right now. What would I do now that he was gone? I could live and work like everyone else. But what would I come back to at the end of the work day? Not even as a lover, but Nick was my best friend. Sure I had Newt and I held nothing against him, but it was different with Nick.
I was way more comfortable with him and I wasn't sure I could allow myself something like that again.
"We'll have to carve a line in his name later."
"I can't." I wanted to cry because I knew that would make it final. Strangely enough the tears I wanted to let loose wouldn't come out and I knew I would be crying myself to sleep tonight. Newt started to get up, dusting his hands off on his pants. I grabbed his arm, looking up at him. He was confused and when he saw the way I was looking at me, his eyes softened. "Can we just stay here for a little bit longer?"
"Yeah." He sat back down and pulled me into his arms. "We'll stay as long as you need."
