Secrets of Love

Couples Therapy

"I know that this is difficult for you both, but sitting here in silence isn't going to help solve your problems."

Brandon sat in his chair leaning on the armrest to the right so that there was distance between us. He had his hand under the bridge of his nose so that his fingers covered his mouth. The tension was thick in the room and it didn't help that I could feel the anger radiating off of Brandon. Every few minutes I would look from the floor to him to see if he was going to say something.

"It's clear that you love Camille and you at least want to try otherwise you wouldn't have come back today, Brandon."

"I don't know why I came back. She's not even trying. Might as well sit here in silence." He eyed me. L

"I'm sorry we wasted your time, Dr. Strawter." I picked up my bag and water bottle from the couch shaking my head.

"I came because as much as i can't stand her right now, I still love her." He said with his head down. "I know I've had my faults, major ones, but I thought we moved past that, but that was the first thing she brought up when I found out about her cheating."

"Is this true, Camille?"

I looked from Brandon to Dr. Strawter and blew out a breath. "Yes. It's true. I thought I had forgiven him for everything, but it looks like I just stored it just in case I did something and we could just call it even." I shrugged sadly.

"What? Does that really make sense to you? Marriage is not a tit for tat game. We went through intensive counseling before we called off the divorce and renewed our vows. If that's how you felt why didn't you say anything?"

"That's a good question. You expressed how hurt you were when Brandon cheated on you and abused you, yet you're inflicting the same pain on him."

"It was-I don't know." I said looking at the ground.

"You did something wrong and instead of taking responsibility for it you are using Brandon's past against him. Would it be fair he did the same to you?"

"No."

"You hide everything Cam and then you use it against me. That's not fair to me. It's not fair to us. I don't think you're happy in this marriage because you're not happy with yourself." Brandon looked in my eyes as if he was reading my soul.

"I'm happy. I just made a mistake. We all make mistakes."

"She's not going to stop playing victim. I think she's been a victim so much that it's become her identity." Bran turned to Dr. Strawter.

"What made you have an affair?"

"It was something that I thought I had control over. As long as Brandon and I are okay according to my standards I'm fine. The minute I can't control a situation I freak out."

"How did you feel when you found out you weren't controlling Jayson, but that Jayson was controlling you?"

"Lost because now I had no one."

"You had no one?" Brandon asked angrily. "Where have I been since we've started with a clean slate? Huh? No, I'm not perfect, but you want to pretend that you are. That's not reality. I-you know what? I can't." He shook his head. "You cheated and now we don't even know who the father of the baby is, but you're the victim."

"Calm down, Brandon." He held his arms out like a referee."

"Cam, I fought for you. I almost died for you, but I can't live for you. You're dealing with some things that I want to love you through, but I can't live for you, Cam. You've got to want to live for you. This is deeper than the affair or Sunny dying or even what I did. This goes back to the sick things Cat and General did to you."

I flinched at those names because even in death they still haunted me. I was still holding on to something that I should've let go. No matter how many counsellors I went to I was still harboring feelings of hurt, abuse and neglect. I could see the hurt written on Brandon's face and it broke my heart that I was hurting him. It hurt me more that I could see him breaking. When he agreed to go to the session I didn't think that it was going to get so real. Reality was slapping me in the face and I wasn't ready to deal with it.

"Everyone I love hurts me. They hurt me and apologize and we move on, but apologies don't take the pain away. I wanted to hurt you before you hurt me." I blurted out with tears streaming down my face.

"Cam," Bran shook his head. "I love you and I wouldn't hurt you purposely, but you don't see it that way. When we're good we are good, but when it's bad we're toxic for each other."

"Brandon, what is it that you are trying to say to, Camille? It seems as if you're beating around the bush. You have to be straight forward and take the direct approach."

"Camille," he stood against the wall and I could see the conflict he was having with himself. "I need you to work on you being whole. There can't be an 'us' if you aren't whole. You haven't been that way since you were fifteen years old."

I walked up to him and looked into his eyes. Searching for clues as to what he was trying to say to me. "What are you saying, Bran?"

My heart shattered when he grabbed me by my face and kissed my forehead and then kissed my lips. It felt like a 'goodbye' kiss. I shook my head because I knew exactly what was coming and I wasn't ready for it.

"I love you." He choked out. "You hurt me, but I still love you, the problem is that you don't love yourself."

"Bran-"

I was shocked that Dr. Strawter was letting us have that moment. Our prior sessions together and separately were structured with guidance. Dr. Strawter, hadn't said a word, I could see him writing notes on his tablet

"Don't do this. I need you. I need you." I cried and he hugged me.

"Brandon, I see where this is going and I need to know if you're sure you want to do this?"

He didn't answer him, instead he held me tighter and kissed the top of my head.

"I'm begging you. Don't do this to us. I love you. I'm sorry. We can fix it. We always do. Bran, nothing, but death remember?"

"Camille, you died. I'm almost killing myself trying to love you back to life." He whispered.

"Do. Not. Do. This."

"This is the only way you'll get to where you need to be. I have to let you go." I stepped back because I didn't understand and I didn't want to.

"What?" I asked confused.

"I won't be so selfish that I let you self destruct. I love you more than I love myself sometimes, I also love you enough to let you go." He said with tears streaming down his face.

I didn't know how to feel hearing him say that. I stood there as he walked out of the door. He was "letting me go" for my sake, but it hurt just the same. I was broken and confused. Hurt. I wanted to believe that he was the blame for what happened, for everything that happened, but I had no one to blame but me. I sat on the couch and held myself as Dr. Strawter stuffed Kleenex in my hands.

Is my marriage really over?

***************
Bran loves Cam enough to let her go. Did he make the right decision? Do you think that he's in his feelings or does he have Cams best interest at heart?

Thanks for reading! I think we have about five chapters left of SOL and we'll be done. What do you think is going to happen?