Jessica doesn't trust men. Worse, she has a string of short relationships and runs away when things get too serious. Demons from her past resurface when she meets him, Angel Seth Saint, her new teacher with a burning look. And, even if the young wom...
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He refused to do so. This teacher is becoming more and more unbearable! Or maybe it's me who's becoming more and more unmanageable. I don't know. So I left the class, without saying a word. In any case, there was no point in staying. I don't want to argue with him if he doesn't even have the guts to be honest. I know he didn't mean a single word of what he said, but he preferred to lie to me, looking me in the eye. I'm not the one with the problem, he is. I am not afraid! I'm not! I just know what is right and what is wrong. I also know when I'm being lied to. Nobody really cared about me so why should he care? You're asking the wrong questions! Shut up! I'm in this situation because of you. I should never have listened to you.
I have to face the facts. I don't have the courage to open my heart or trust anyone. He broke me too much for that. I thought I was healed but I'm not. I'm just as hurt as I was before. Yet I really tried. I tried to close my eyes and let him guide me, but I can't. It hurts as much as it did with him. He used to do such painful things to me when I would close my eyes. That bad habit of holding my breath when he walked into the room...I haven't lost it.
I don't know why, but every time I look at Angel, I see him again. Something about that intense look makes me shiver. Yet I know they are two very different men. Angel is gentle and kind. If he were here, he would hold me tight and comfort me. He wouldn't beat me. He wouldn't abuse me. I know that but it's not enough. My heart doesn't accept it. I want to tell him everything so badly. I know he would understand because he has never judged me. And he is the only one.
But instead I prefer to hide here, sitting on the cold tiles, crying my eyes out. Like I always have. And yet it's so pathetic. It doesn't solve anything. It's just good for giving me horrible headaches and remorse. I spent so many sleepless nights crying for him. I felt so stupid to have swallowed those words, to have believed him. Because no matter how much he swore he loved me, he never made me feel special. And despite the blows that rained down like stars from a sparkling sky, I remained blind. Maybe because I wanted to. I wanted to keep believing that I could be loved by someone. I wanted to believe that I could be loved by someone like him. I wanted to belong to him, just like today I want to belong to Angel. But let's be realistic for a second.
I'm only good to be used and discarded. After him, I try to go on with my life but it was a real disaster. Because no matter how hard I try to hide, they always find me. I haven't seen him with my own eyes in years but I feel his presence every time I turn around while walking down the street. He is like this ghost that follows me in the dark. I see images of him everywhere, on the street, on TV. And the worst thing about it is that he is untouchable. How can I even reach out to him? He has this power and notoriety that I don't have. And even if I could, what would be the point?
He has taken every inch of my body and destroyed it. He has crushed my confidence and made me weak and naive. That's why I swallow everything Angel tells me. Deep down I know he doesn't care about me. I just needed affection and he was there to give it to me. Now it's time to cut the crap and get on with my life. That's what my mom would tell me if she were here. She's the only one who never lied to me.
