outer dehjil (#1)

chapter fifteen.

sabria's pov.

I once read a book about science. I usually make life very difficult for myself when it comes to science. I never got it. It just didn't make any sense to me.

Why am I walking as fast as I am? Why is the world full of colors? Why is there a universe? Why do we need to eat and drink to survive? I've never got it before. What made all of this happen here? How did it just happen that the universe was there and suddenly there was one planet where living creatures were on.

There had to be a first action to took place or something in that kind. Everything happens for a reason.

As well as most people think certainly for a reason or say something certain to you for a reason. We learned to control our mind, our way of thinking. But sometimes, when thoughts overcome our clean mind, we break down, fall in a deep hole most people can't escape from again. The reason for those thoughts are certain actions, words other people say to you.

I'd like to call these thoughts a downfall. Once I'm fine, my mind stable and my thoughts clean, I have a downfall. I fall into a deep hole I'd like to call hell.

I have a downfall in hell.

The fall is long and painful and I can't get any peace throughout my downfall. But why do I get those downfalls? What are the reasons?

I don't get that either. It's as complicated as science to me. Maybe even worse. But there aren't any books about downfalls. There are too many reasons for them. Sometimes it's just the memory I get when someone mentioned the word 'fear', and sometimes the thoughts of not being good enough just overcome me.

They often are caused by other people who decide to mess with other people's head is way more relieving than healing themselves. Their voices in my head saying "you're not good enough"

You're not good enough.

You're not good enough.

And then it only takes one step for me to fall right into hell. And that's what's happening right now; I'm having a downfall.

I look at myself in the dirty mirror of the bathroom, rubbing my eyes so they don't shut because of my tiredness. I have big eye bags, my skin looks like I don't know what water is and my body like starving is a chore. My lips are dry and my hair greasy. I feel disgusting; I am.

I haven't slept since the shooting at the beach four days ago; I just couldn't. I tried being productive when I couldn't sleep but I couldn't even think straight. I wasn't at school since then as well. What makes everything worse is that I don't even know why I am having this downfall once again. What had happened that I feel the way I feel?

I check my phone as I look in the dark sky of the night. I sigh, I'm the most tired person on the world right now but the second my head would meet my matress I'd be awake again.

I check the time, 4 am. I see the many texts messages that I have been receiving on my phone. So many missed calls and text messages. I put my phone down again, not answering any of the many messages I got.

I will go to school today. I can't keep living like this is my normal routine. Because it isn't. I don't have a bad life. My life is amazing, actually. There sometimes are just actions that take place in my life that make my life seem bad; but it isn't. I just make my life hell by myself.

I run a sweaty hand through my untangled hair. I'm gross. I can't even take care of me for a few days.

Because you're not good enough, Sabria.

" Stop! Just stop!" I yell at myself through the mirror as I throw a pair of my glasses against it and they break.

"Fuck." I whisper as I look at the broken frame. At least I still have contact lenses here.

A single tear escapes from my right eye as I catch my miserable self looking at me with disgust through the mirror. It doesn't stay like this, more tears start pouring down my cheek as my face becomes red and my eyes swollen again.

"I can't, I can't, I can't." I whisper panicked as I slide down to the floor, anywhere where I can't look in a damn mirror.

I don't want to go to school. I want to be able to sleep.

I want to be able to live.

__________

The door to the classroom opens and I turn my head in the direction. I have music class with Mr. Pepserson right now. I wonder what Crew has been doing since I wasn't here. We still have the project to do.

But he's here now as well. I look at him as his eyes are just on me and he's standing in the doorframe.

"Sab." he says as he sits down on the chair next to me.

"Hi." I tell him as I force a smile on my face.

"I was... your friends.. I, we were worried sick about you. And I-" I cut him off as I smile at him lightly.

"I'm sorry, needed some time off." I tell him and he nods at me.

Why was he worried about me?

"So Sab," he smiles at me as he turns in his seat to look at me. His eyes drift away from me for a second and I just know he and Landon are having a staring competition right now. "what song do you want to cover?" his eyes meet mine again, his smile obviously faded.

"What song do you want to cover?" I return the question to him and he smiles.

"Whatever song you like. Tell me, who's your favorite artist?" he asks me.

I don't have to think much about that question before I answer, "Lana Del Rey and Taylor Swift."

He smiles down at me. "Ohh, heartbreak baby." he winks at me, telling me he's just joking around.

I laugh a little at him and return the question he just asked me torwards him. "I like everything," he tells me with a shurg of his shoulder.

"What a lie." I laugh at him but he just smiles at me.

"What about Kelvin Jones? We could do some pretty good acoustic versions of his songs." he tells me and I smile.

Mom, dad and me used to always dance to his songs when I was younger and we were just the little family of three. Sometimes it was just my dad and me as we danced and sang to one specific song of Kelvin Jones. My dad's favorite.

"Call you home." I tell him and his smile grows even wider.

"Great choice, we'll do that." he tells me and I smile.

We'll do this.

Dad would be so happy if I'd tell him.

________

It's lunch time. I left the table of my friend earlier after they bombed me with questions. But I'm okay. I'm just searching for a quiet place to do my homework for the next class, maths, since I just found out we had homework to do.

I walk torwards the backdoor of our school, nobody ever is here so I'll use this place to do my work.

As I open the door a weird and familiar smell goes in my nose. I hold my backpack in my right hand as I look around. Someone is smoking weed, I know that from Jaime and his father, I don't do it myself.

My eyes land on a group of three tall boys. I immediately know who they are. Asher, Elijah and Crew. I didn't know they were smoking weed, but how could I?

Why were they so dumb to do this out here, anybody could see them and then they're away from this school.

As my thoughts go through my mind Crew turns around and looks at me, his lips slightly parted as he sees me. I take some steps back in an attempt to go back into school. Elijah and Asher turn around as well as they all look at me with wide eyes.

They think I'm going to tell someone.

I take three big steps back before turning around and starting to run through the school.

"Fuck, get her!" I hear Asher yells as loud and fast footsteps approach me from behind.

I take up speed and run even faster than before. I'm taking turns like I'm running for dear life, not really knowing which level I'm even in. Fuck, what the hell do they want?