outer dehjil (#1)

chapter two.

sabria's pov.

3 years earlier.

One single tears excapes my eye as I look at the grave belonging to my sister. The life is tragic, people say that often. And you can't chose how your life works. But you can't chose if you want to live at all either. You can make the choice to not live anymore but not to be born or to die. That just happens, and I don't know how. But I know that my sister would've wanted a longer life than the one she had.

She was only 5 years old, dying because of those stupid and irresponsible people driving while they are shit face drunk. I was in the car as well. Billie sat in the front, passenger seat. I sat behind the driver, my father. Billie was the first to notice the car driving on the wrong side of the road. She started screaming for my father to turn but it was already too late.

The car hit us. It took both, Billie's and the drunk driver's life.

Even if it was hard. She and I had a happy life. My parents had me young, at seventeen and then had Billie when I was nine. Only five years later my sister dies while my mother is diagnosed with cancer for 2 years now.

Billie's death hasn't just caused issues of grief to my mother and me but my father is a whole new person. He's cold, heartless even, and ignorant torwards me. He used to be so kind and loving, he used to play with me, do my homework together, go surfing with me every evening and so much more.

My sisters death made him lose his mind. If we talk now, we just scream at eachother. Of course my sisters death is tragic, heartbreaking and sad. But my father forgets about me. Which may sound selfish. But I'm still his daughter, just like Billie. Is he scared to lose me as well? He was involved in the accident as well. He should know that Billie's death isn't just hard on him but on all of us. My mother, him, me.

We all grieve for her. When my grandparents found out my mother was pregnant, my mothers parents cut them out of their lives because of it. And they went further with it and had me. And then had my sister nine years later. They were happy, they weren't faking it. But why would my father act like all of this never happened? I know being happy right now doesn't seem well right now, too, but he could at least talk to us. We could make things work and remember my sister in a happy way. Not because of the accident that happened.

My sister would be upset seeing him like this, seeing how we treat each other. We were the children they took their lifes at risk for. And he just throws that away because of her death. I just wish to see the old him again for at least one time. Billie should be back, too.

I miss her so much. And I miss dad. I feel alone due this overwhelimg situation. I now live alone at home with my father, and we just constantly scream and fight eachother. My sister, my bestfriend, is dead. She really was my everything, and even through our age gap we were inseparable.

My mother is at the hospital. It doesn't make it any better for my mother that she's pregnant. It wasn't planned, and I don't know how all of the pregnancy will work while she has a tumor growing inside of her. I'm scared I'll lose her as well.

I get home and walk into the kitchen. My father sits at the bar with a book in his hands.

"Hey." I say but he doesn't respond to me.

I sit down in front of him and look at the book he's reading. "What are you reading?" I ask him, interested.

"Psych." he answers me shortly and I nod. He always liked to read these kind of books, my mother, who is at the hospital since 2 months, does too. I may have to check it out as well.

"How was your day?" I ask him with a little smile.

He sighs and puts down his book. "Amazing, you know. I met your sister there." he rolls his eyes as he stands up and walks away from me.

I slightly part my lips at his response. He knows that I know he acts like this because of Billie. And that makes it worse than it already is.

He talks to me like I'm someone his age. Someone he talks to like this daily. Like a annoying ravel or schoolfriend. Not like I'm his daughter. I follow after him and speak up.

"Why do you talk to me like this?" I ask him.

"I talk to you like I want!"

"You literally talk to me like I'm your high school friend! I am your daughter!" I say at him, frustated.

He sighs and raises his voice at me.

"I don't have to talk to you at all, if that's what you want!"

"That's not what I said."

"No? I'm sure it wouldn't harm if you would leave me alone for some minutes!" he yells at me and I have some tears in my eyes.

"I just want to talk to you, dad!" I say when he walks torwards his bedroom. "Well, don't!" He says before closing his bedroom door behind him.

"Fine! Then I won't, I hope you're happy because Billie wouldn't be!" I yell after him and go into my room.

I can't believe this. I can't believe us. We used to be such a great team even when mom or Billie weren't around. I just want my once so great family back.

I go into my room and close the door behind me. I don't want to live like this. I love my father but the way he treats me since my sister died is just... I just can't bear that.

I pack a smal bag and my guitar, and go out. I want to cry, scream at my father, yell out of my whole heart, but I know it's just the grief talking inside of me. Not just the grief for my sister. I lost her forever. But I slowly gain consciousness of the feeling that I also lost my father. Even though he's just 10 feet away from me right now. I just can't live with this anymore.

I close the front door behind me after I tape a smal letter on it for my father, and leave. I don't know where to go now. It's not like I won't come back, I will. I walk to the beach even though it's already late and sit down on the cool sand. The sun already set. If my father and I would be at normal terms we'd be here right now, surfing the big waves caused by the stormy weather today. But we don't.

Nobody's around here so I get my guiatr and start to slowly play one of my favorite self written songs. I always just go and mess it up so I might as well take my mind off it.

I sit here for hours maybe. I don't check the time. But I get tired and go home.

I slowly open the door so I don't make any noises to wake my father up. When I close the door behind me I take in the now all too familiar silence in the house. I don't bother to take off my shoes and go into my room to put my stuff away again. I walk into the kitchen to get myself a glass of water.

When I put the glass to my lips I hear a scream. I make a little jump at the sudden noise and my whole body starts to tremble as the glass slips from my hand and shatters in a million little pieces on the ground.

Shit.

I stay in place, not realizing where the scream came from. It wasn't a real scream though. More like a whimper, a scream someone tried to suppress.

I rush into my fathers bedroom and open the door without hesitation. "Dad! Did you hear-" My words get stuck in my throat when I see it.

Oh my gosh.

"Dad?" I look at him as I see the red sheets and my fathers body on it.

My father just screamed. I walk up to him and roll him over.

"Sab?" I shake my head, tears trying to escape.

He loses consciousness quickly but it shouldn't be too late, I think.

"Dad, do you hear me?" I ask when I finally succeed to roll his body over so he's laying on his back. I look over his whole body to see what really happened. There's no denying in the fact that the red liquid on the bedsheets is his blood. I find it. His artery. Cut.

"Oh my gosh," I whisper as I drop my hands to my sides when I see it. Did he do this to himself?

"Dad," I swallow hard as I try maintain my posture and tears. "talk to me," Some tears excape from my eyes but I try to stop them, it doesn't help them from falling. I look to his hand and see something. A letter. I take it and read.

For my Sab.

"please."