Only In Your Dreams - Flowers from 1970 (concept idea)

nastolgia.

I still felt a sense of guilt in liking isabelle. after all I still felt that feeling of something was missing since I said my goodbyes, I was so caught up in the moment I tried distracting myself with it to cover up that feeling but that feeling stayed there even when I tried to overcome it. It wasn't as strong as it was when I first came to England. Isabelle at least helped it fade away for the meantime, but I promised myself I would stay with George. I would find a way somehow to be able to be with him just for a second, a single moment I could tell him I'm sorry. but I have to move on I know I couldn't be committed in a relationship with a man who doesn't even exist yet, I couldnt hold him back. and I couldn't hold me back, we had to let go for the greater good. I was only hurting him in the process of it all. cutting the cord was the right decision and I know I shouldn't feel sorry but I broke him in the middle of the mess I couldn't keep it going for any longer. I passed through london. The windy breeze made me shiver. as science filled the streets. The cloudy skies with the sun just peaking out at your fingertips. the clouds passed and the sun beamed into your eyes, what a thought how it could feel so magical. George was my sun, he lighted my way guiding me on the right path. His smile and laugh were golden just like the rays from the sun. he was the brightest thing in my life. and the nastolgia felt oddly strange today specifically. maybe it's because I had more time on my hands since it was finally the weekend I had been longing for what felt like a lifetime but really just my first week of college. maybe the fact I didn't have george here to live that with me was what made it upsetting but I couldn't pin an exact reason. I'm not any detective after all. just a dumb kid missing someone who doesn't exist, and has never existed not yet atleast.. I mean that has to be the saddest and most pathetic thing you have ever seen right!? why am I so caught up on him anyway.. what was so special about him? every moment I spent with him I couldn't let go of it, grasping the memories only held me further back on the future. it wasn't a good thing to still cling onto him but he was George, I didn't purposely fall in love with him. i simple accident stuck in my memories forever. who knew calling a wrong number would cause all this? it's absolutely insane! I really miss sap though too, I promised I would call him while I'm here but I've been so busy I haven't even gotten the chance. we haven't talked in a while even before the goodbyes, we were on weird terms and I hate to leave him like that. he deserves a better friend then one who is going to leave him in the dust and just run away from all his problems. and the fact I did that makes me feel more guilty. I'm not a good friend much less of a partner anyway. even if I thought I had a chance with Isabelle I would end up breaking her heart like I do everyone elses. Every friend I make I end up betraying, I can't keep a single friendship. "It's all my fault" I whispered. I felt like punching myself in the face. I clenched my jaw, and tightened my fist. but I couldn't. I didn't have the guts nor the courage to be beating myself up right now. atleast not physically, I probably wouldn't be strong enough anyway but why couldn't I of made my friendships last. even with George, I could of atleast given him a proper goodbye but I chose not to out of my own self-pity and selfishness! not for Georges sake. It only hurt him more, I could never do things right. I let  go of all the anger, it clearly wasn't helping and the only remedy was distracting myself like always. regret is one of my least favorite topics because I have so much I should of done, or should of changed with how I went out things. but instead I decided it's a better idea to run away from everything instead of facing them as it is. fight or flight, I chose flight and I'm a coward. I only ended up hurting everyone in the process of all of it. I try telling myself
it is what it is. but that doesn't change shit. I know I try to tell myself not to blame it on me but the truth is I always do in the end. and no matter how many times I can tell myself that it's not my fault I know deep down it is so what's the point in denial, and lying to myself? I should be upset at myself it's what I deserve. after making everyone else feel bad because of my own selfishness it's my own karma coming right back at me like a boomerang. I may not be able to change the past but one thing is true, I can change the future.