PROLOGUE.
March 08. 11 AM.
The Nightmare.
She ghosted me. I text and text but there is no reply. I have tried all the modes of communication but nothing. I even tried to talk to her face to face but nothing seemed to change. All I seriously needed is the confirmation of closure for me to have that fucking peace of mind and for me to know what I will be doing next. Everything that could possibly try to finally have that moment of peace, no avail. All of it and my heart is so crushed. My chest feels too heavy. I was somehow expecting it but the blow is still the same. It felt like dying inside but what can I do?
I have to accept the fact that from this moment, I'll be all alone. I told myself I was able to survive before and I can't see no reason I won't be able to make it this time around.
All I can comprehend right now is that feeling that I'm going to be empty of all emotions, sooner or later. I can't be so mad because in the first place, I have honestly prepared myself for something like this but it still fucking hurt like no other.
The weird part of it all is I felt my parents' presence which I never felt before. My dad is dead. I have not spoken to my mom in almost a year before it all happened but it feels like no time has passed and I still feel the same hatred for them as I felt before. It just felt so real. Am I that seriously broken, I can't hide it anymore?
Then the day I have prayed for has finally come. She returned. I don't know what to feel. Love and pain is surging through my body in equal measure. I wanted to bawl at the top of my lungs until my eyes can no longer shed the tears. But my body is so empty of any emotions. All I can feel is all the pain as if it just happened.
"Forgive me. That's all I can say. I know there are no words I say now that'll make you believe in me and for whatever I have done in the past," she'd said. I just stared. I can't find my voice. Instead I turned and walked away. She didn't even pursue me. She now knows where to find me. I know she'll come back to convince me.
Convince me with what?
I looked ahead wildly, staring at nothing and racking my brains out.
That night I cried again. I thought there were no more tears. Unfortunately, I'm still shedding tears for one person who wasn't even worth all of these. Then I heard my father on the phone just outside my bedroom door.
"Please, my daughter is just beginning to get some sleep. She's only beginning not to cry every goddamn night so please, tell your own to stay the hell away from mine." My heart lurched. There is a response I cannot hear. All I can hear at this point is my heart breaking into a million pieces. Still broken from before. But now? It's been too broken and is beyond repair. When will it fucking end?
I woke up with a start, trembling. Still feeling all of it is real. That it will happen in the near future. Ironic because the possibility of the pain of it all is 100% but anyone defending me is less than 0.
What should I fucking do?
April 17. 2:30 PM
I just got out of the supermarket and the heat is unbelievable. The peak of the summer is indeed here and it's the Holy Week. I bought soda and some food. My Mom asked me to run some errands that's why I'm out in this blazing heat
I just crossed the road when I saw a familiar figure. My heart seemed to stop. I saw her. I knew the girl too. They were so sweet. My vision immediately blurred but I refused to let the tears fall. I closely followed them but they didn't notice me. The pain of seeing something like this with your own eyes cannot be compared. I felt my heart collapsing into a thousand pieces. I thought we'd still work it out. That today, she'll come over for us to talk things out but hell, I don't have any more explanation. Both of them stopped for some food and I took the opportunity to pass by them without any of them noticing.
As soon as I went inside my apartment, I sucked in a deep breath. I'll wait for them to pass by my unit. I just want to look at them closely, for them to know that I fucking saw them. At the thought, I can almost hear my heart breaking into tiny more pieces again.
Fuck!
A few minutes later I saw them coming. I grabbed my phone, pretending to call someone and went out the door, looking in their direction. I saw fear in her reaction and waved her phone, indicating that we'll talk but seeing her expression like that, knowing she already chose. And it's not me. Realizing that it's game over, my grip on the phone tightened.
It's the confirmation I need to figure out what to do next. It hurts too much, I can't breathe. She said that it's not going to happen. After everything she'd said, I figured all of it was all lies. All fucking lies. Fuck. I would've respected her decision if she just told me the truth.
Then I remembered the dream. Fuck again. It literally just happened. I knew it would be a long time til I got over it. I seriously didn't know how I'll proceed with my life from here. I will never be the same again. With all the thoughts of us together, remembering all the memories we have shared, my tears fell. Not wanting to contain it all inside, I bawled at the top of my lungs. At least to get the heavy feeling off my chest. It's just too much. Too much.
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