JISOO.
"How are you feeling?" Chaeyoung asked gently and I felt her tighten her hold on me a little. I took a deep breath. I honestly don't know what to think or feel right now. Sure, it's a nice feeling to be this close to someone I felt attracted to. I'm not going to lie about what I feel anymore. Chaeyoung is someone I could fall in love with. I can fall in love with her but I'm scared to death where this will take me, where this will take us especially that her career is starting to blossom on the international stage. I don't want to hinder her professional growth. More to her personal growth. Being a Korean in the international scene and being a gay is not really completely accepted. It will definitely ruin Chaeyoung's career and I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be the reason for her to fall back and be stuck in a limbo. It will break me even more. I took another deep breath and moved out of her arms gently.
"I honestly don't know what to feel, say and think right now, Chaeyoung. But one thing I am sure of at this point, I like you," I murmured quietly.
"I like you a lot too, Jisoo. Too much," she murmured back and kissed my temple gently. I closed my eyes the moment her lips touched my skin, fighting the overwhelming feeling that is attempting to get out of my chest. I have to be cautious. Now more than ever. I don't want to go through all that bullshit again. I will never survive it this time.
"But you know that we can't. You have a blossoming career and I don't want you to fall back for any reason. Especially if that reason is going to be me," I said, taking another deep breath.
"You know that it doesn't have to be that way."
"What other ways are you thinking about then? Do we keep it a secret? For how long? You know what is at stake in the career path you have chosen, Park Chaeyoung. At some point it will require you to sacrifice and make choices. It will never work," I countered, determined to pull out all the stops so that we both won't get hurt. Chaeyoung chuckled humorlessly and I noticed how her eyes turned to be as dead looking as ever. I bit the inside of my cheek, my resolve is starting to crumble.
"It seems like you have already made your decision without even trying," she said softly. I didn't miss the hurt in her voice but I have to be strong right now. I won't be hasty anymore when it comes to this aspect in life.
"What decision is there left anyway? You know full well that this kind of relationship with this kind of world we're in is not going to work in the long run. Where would that lead us? Where would that take me?"
"So it's all about you, isn't it? You have already judged me for something that I have never done to you. Why do you make it sound like I'm paying for someone else's mistakes? It's not fair, Soo." Chaeyoung said and withdrew her arms around me. I immediately missed her warmth.
"It's all about the both of us. How this could hurt us. How this could hurt your career, something that you have wanted for so long. I will not be the reason that you'll feel like you failed. I'm thinking about you. You're too young to be thinking about the what ifs and buts in life. I want you to experience this kind of life that you have been dreaming for so long. I couldn't have that in my conscience," I said, trying to make her see the sense of what I wanted to tell her.
"So we're just going to ignore these feelings then?" she asked.
"For now, we have to. I'm so sorry, Chaeyoung. Please, you have to protect yourself from all the unwanted hurt this could inflict you. I know how that feels and I couldn't let someone else feel it too," I said and reached out to hold her hand, squeezing gently.
"All I need is the chance, Soo. I know myself and I know what I'm capable of. I know what I want and I will do anything just so I can keep it. I'm not going to hurt you," she whispered, sounding broken and I had to suppress a sob.
