one year

five

[good girl, bad habits]

i smoke whenever i'm home alone. roll my own blunts and light them from a lit candle.

legit no one knows except my closest friends who dont judge. i promised the boy that I like to stop smoking if he stopped drinking alcohol. but time after time, i break my promise without him knowing.

the thing is, i don't do it to get high. i do it because all my life I've been the good girl.
the girl who everyone said,
"she's beautiful, amd smart, she'll grow up to be famous or with lots of money!"

smoking isn't bad, but no one knows either. i just want to break the "good girl" reputation without causing distress upon my family.

i smoke so I can see the smoke exhale from my lips. Thats my favorite part. It burns my throat and hurts, but exhaling it is the best because it feels like i'm saying goodbye to an innocent side of myself.

learning tricks is what i love to do. i've done smoke rings and french inhales, and i feel like they look beautiful.

smoking literally helps me get away, without getting high. i'm thinking too much about the exhale and how to cover it up from my parents that i forget all about my problems. i forget about drama, people i love lying to me, what they say about me, and mostly my promise with my "future boyfriend". as if i'll make it that long healthily.

worrying about lighting the blunt in the present and not exhaling in a moment. you have to think now and not then. just like i have to think day by day, and not until my one year is up.

recently all I listen to is rap music, it really boosts my self esteem when i can rap the song word for word.
all I do home alone is smoke. a good Godly girl on deaths door with bad habits is unimaginable, especially me.