one year

two

[time in life]

I have approximately one year to live.
365 Days.
52 Weeks.
12 Months.
or less.., or more..,

just enough to finish my eighth grade year, and die before my freshman year of highschool.

no one at school knows.
not even my closest friends.
i want them to treat me like normal, rather than rush a lot into my last year.

my 'friend', she always yells at me.
her words ring in my head later.
she says she's not yelling at me, and that it's how she always talks.
but, she is friends with them.. so what do I expect.
anyone will listen to their side of the story before hearing mine.

i always try to sit with my friend, but his controlling girlfriend said he's not allowed to talk to me. i think it's really ironic though. limit a guy you date to talk to a girl who's going to die soon. of course they don't know that.

that would only cause more hate towards me as people that hate me would countdown until my last days. as if i'm not ALREADY doing that myself.

when i found out i had cancer, i was actually kind of relieved... suicide was always what i wanted. now, it could be a reality, without myself doing the dirty work. it kind of was my fault though. always smoking. finding anything I could use to catch on fire and inhale the smoke, just to exhale it out. nothing to ever get high. Just a 'blunt' of rolled up cardboard bag or something like that, just to exhale.

i promised the boy i like not to smoke anymore. he knows I smoke cigarettes. i broke my promise day after day without him knowing. he kept his side of the promise of to stop drinking alcohol. that was good. i was using my limited days to break my promise. while encouraging him to keep his promise. maybe then he'd feel determined to keep the promise after i die.