𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧 (𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟, 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟) 𝘢 𝘳𝘫 𝘢𝘶

hoping i'll find a glimpse of us

TW // s3lf h4rm

Ricky's POV

It's been one week since EJ and I last talked to each other. He won't listen to me. Thiago's making me seem like the bad guy, but I'm not. I didn't kill my best friend. I'm not that insane. In fact, I was helping him. Thiago read the whole thing wrong, or even worse, converted it into making me the villain. I'm not, I promise. I would never hurt Big Red ever. 

I miss EJ though. I miss his presence and warm hugs, and it's been so hard. Sure, I have a lot of me-time, but I also want my boyfriend to be there for me. Well, he isn't my boyfriend anymore. Now, I have to see him as a stranger. 

"He'd take the world off my shoulders if it was ever hard to move"

I'm in my room, trying to sleep when I keep thinking about how bullshit life is. Thiago's trying to ruin my life, my sister hardly trusts me anymore, my mom hates me, my dad isn't in Salt Lake City, and EJ literally hates me. I hate my life so much, and now I'm back to square one; where the voices are back and I only have two good people in my life. Nini and Jet. At least they are in my life. 

I got up from my bed and went to my bathroom. I looked in my drawer to find my toothbrush when I saw my razor. Right there, with my blood and tears engraved onto it. I remember when EJ first saw me cutting myself and he helped me, but he's not there anymore. 

"He'd turn the rain into a rainbow while I was living in the blue"

I shrug my head and close back the drawer. I've been clean for weeks, I can't cut myself. Not yet. Just do it. I can't deal with life anymore. It's too hard. No more Ricky, no more pain. I opened the drawer again and turned on the razor. "No more Ricky, no more pain," I whispered to myself. I gave a small cut to myself on my wrist. "No more Ricky, no more problems." I continued to make the cut slightly deeper. "No more Ricky, no more sadness." I heard a knock on the door. 

"Ricky! You're gonna be late for school!" My mom yelled. Fuck, no. I can't stand her right now. "Natalie's been waiting for you for ten minutes! Can't you do anything right?! Be a little responsible!" I heard her getting out of the bathroom and I pulled my sleeves back down to cover my scars. 

"Why then if he is so perfect, do I still wish that it was you?" 

------- SCHOOL

I walked in the hallways with my hoodie on. Back to the beginning, but only worse. I feel more trapped and scared. I can't deal with life. Not with my mom and everyone surrounding me. I saw my friends, Jet and Nini walk up to me. "Hey, Ricky!" Nini smiled. I was clenching my jaw to hold back the tears. 

"Hey," I silently said. 

"Are you okay?" Jet asked. "You sound really upset." I didn't know if I should tell them the truth about my life or not. 

"Perfect don't mean that it's working, so what can I do?" 

"I'm okay," I replied with a little bit of roughness. The last thing I need is Nini and Jet parenting me. Even if they are my best friends. 

"Ricky, we can tell if you're upset. Please tell me what's wrong. We can go somewhere else if you want." Nini said, and out of nowhere, I began to burst into tears. Right there in the hallway. 

"I hate my fucking life, Nini. I hate it! I can't deal with this anymore." I cried. I cried into Jet's shoulder, as he patted my head. 

"It's gonna be okay, Ri." Jet whispered. Then, we all heard somebody laughing behind me. Of course, it's Thiago Martinez, and right next to him is EJ Caswell. 

"When you're out of sight, in my mind."

"EJ?" I whispered. 

"What a crybaby. Always crying all the time. Cry, cry, cry." Thiago teased. Nini kept hugging me, and Jet came up to punch Thiago. 

"That's my best friend, you fucking bitch! Don't talk to him that way. He's twice the man you'll ever be." Jet yelled. Thiago snickered and punched him back. I was only looking at EJ. He wasn't doing anything. He just let Thiago do this to my friend. He wasn't even gonna stop Thiago. 

"Thiago, stop!" Nini yelled. "That's enough!" I heard my best friend yell. I looked at EJ and was sobbing at him. 

"How could you?" I whispered, loud enough for him to hear me.

"Cause sometimes, I look in his eyes and that's when I find a glimpse of us."

"What?" EJ asked. I was getting so upset at this point. I can't deal with EJ anymore. 

"HOW COULD YOU?!" I screamed at him. I heard the punching and fighting stop, but I didn't give a fuck. It was just me and him, but only me against the world. "I WAS ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE, AND YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE SOMETHING THAT'S FALSE OVER ME! ME! SO LET ME TELL YOU THE REAL STORY, EJ CASWELL! I NEVER KILLED MY FRIEND, I HELPED HIM! HELPED HIM!" I looked at Thiago and punched him. "AND DON'T EVER SPREAD A RUMOR LIKE THAT AGAIN!" 

"Ricky, stop!" EJ yelled. I saw the whole school staring at me. Fuck, I was so embarrassed. 

"I would never do that to Big Red. He was my best friend, and I will never forget him." I told him. I

"And I try to fall for her touch, but I'm thinking of the way it was"

I walked out of the hallways and rushed to the bathroom, breaking down in tears. I even got texts from my friends and even Gina, who hardly talks to anyone. 

Gina 

Hey I saw what happened

Thiago and EJ are both jerks

u deserve better

ty gigi

i feel rlly horrible rn

i cant go on anymore

ricky, pls dont do anything to urself

we all care sm abt u

we can t lose u

i cant lose u

ily gigi

ily too <3

I turned off my phone and grabbed the razor. "I'm sorry, Gina." I cut my wrist and saw blood gushing out. No, that can't be it. Not like that. I went over to the mirror where I pointed the razor at my neck. The razor touched a little of my skin, so I flinched. My neck was hurting a lot, but at least the pain was going away. I got out of the bathroom and heard someone following me. 

"Ricky, please talk to me." I heard EJ say.

"I'm fine! I moved on," I told him. 

"Said I'm fine, and said I moved on, but I'm only here passing time in his arms"

Then, EJ began to hug me. I missed him and his hugs. "I still love you," I whispered. Oh shit, I told him I loved him. 

"I do too," EJ said. 

"I'm sorry. God, I'm such a disappointment." 

"Don't say that." He looked into my eyes. I remember all of the memories we made, and I miss him. He started to lean toward me, and I began to follow him. Then, he pressed his lips onto mine. "You're perfect the way you are."

"No, I'm not," I said. I let go of his hug. "You deserve better." 

"Hoping I'll find a glimpse of us..."